Welcome back to an all-new episode of Vanderpump Rules. During this week’s episode the cast heads to Miami for Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party. You didn’t think Brittany would actually let Jax go to Miami unsupervised did you???
The episode opens with Krazy Kristin Doute who appears to be riding a high fit for Charlie Sheen as she exclaims that she’s “winning at life” now that she’s a newly single homeowner…. then she promptly admits to boning Carter mere hours before. Way to stay strong, Kristin.
Ariana Madix pays Kristin a visit at her new place and the two discuss the drama that transpired at TomTom between Tom Sandoval and Stassi Schroeder. Of course, Ariana conveniently leaves out a few minor details but is quick to call Stassi out for screaming at Sandoval “like an out of tune Mariah Carey.” One question- is this before or after Nick Cannon?
While the rest of the gang is wheels up en route to Miami, Lisa Vanderpump floats into TomTom like a pageant queen on a float with one mission and one mission only: to get to the bottom of the book party fiasco. She grills newbie Max Boyens about what went down and Max confesses that the catalyst of the showdown had something to do with a rage text that
Tequila Katie Sandoval sent to Stassi but admits that he’s unaware of the contents of the text.
The group touches down in Miami and Jax Taylor enjoys a nostalgic trip down memory lane, explaining that Miami is where he shed his birth name Jason Cauchi and “Jax Taylor” was born.
After arriving at the swanky SLS South Beach Hotel and being greeted with pomegranate martinis, Sandoval pulls Stassi aside for what appears to be half of an apology. He claims he’s unsure of how things got so out of hand at the book party but Stassi is quick to point out “it’s cause you were a dick.”
Tom Sandoval offers up an apology for “the text messages and stuff” and Stassi is surprisingly quick to accept the apology. Sandoval, however, just can’t leave well enough alone and wraps up the apology with “but just so you know we don’t plan events five days in advance.” Then he proceeds to whine about how he couldn’t sleep that night. Stassi, how dare you come between Sandy and his beauty rest?!
Sandoval drones on and on about TomTom’s “protocol” and how Tom Sandoval knows nothing about running a bar and insinuates that everything must go through him instead. Blah blah blah. Stassi eventually rolls over and apologizes for her part in the drama and vows that next time she will go through Sandoval instead.
Back in their room, Stassi recounts the details of Tom’s half-apology to Beau Clark. Then she tells Beau about Katie Maloney-Schwartz overhearing Ariana insinuating that the copy of her book the group saw in the airport bookstore wasn’t in there initially and that Stassi planted it there. Cut to footage of Stassi merely taking the book (already inside the bookstore) and simply moving it to the front of the store for all of the customers to see when they first walk in. DING DING DING- and there you have it ladies and gents. Just as I suspected last week. The book signing party fiasco had zero to do with Schwartz being a “yes man” or the bar being understaffed. The whole problem is that Stassi’s book came out before their own book. The authors of Fancy AF Cocktails are jealous AF.
It would appear that Lisa Vanderpump has some serious time on her hands as she takes it upon herself to call Stassi, Sandoval and Schwartz and grill each of them separately on the details of the book party drama.
In a shocking turn of events, Schwartz remains strong in his stance and admits that his business partner did go off the deep end and handled the issue “piss poorly.” Good for you Schwartzy.
After speaking to the three of them, Lisa susses out the situation and tells Sandoval that he needs to learn to keep calm under pressure when dealing with matters of business.
Back in Miami, the boys spend their first night out in the strip club getting lap dances and motorboating strippers. Poor Beau appears to be way out of his element BIG TIME as he tells one of the strippers that his girlfriend is Satan and it is imperative that she keep so many degrees of separation if she values either of their lives.
Later in the evening, Beau asks that Sandoval meet him outside for a pow-wow. He cuts right to the chase and accuses Sandoval of being nasty to his girlfriend and says that he thinks Tom owes Stassi a better apology than the one he half-heartedly gave her in the hotel lobby over pomegranate martinis.
Sandoval seizes the moment to climb back up on his soapbox and claims that Schwartz is just a “yes man” and that he doesn’t even know how to clock in at TomTom. Then he takes it one step further and says that Stassi actually owes him an apology for embarrassing him in front of his paying customers. Beau is quick to interject that those customers were there for Stassi’s book party so in actuality they were her customers and you know what? HE ISN’T WRONG. Take that Sandy.
Meanwhile, Brittany and her bridetourage are strutting around town in tacky wedding dresses and wreaking havoc at each bar they visit. In the midst of the chaos, Ariana pulls Scheana Shay aside and accuses the rest of the group of giving her dirty looks all day. Hmm… I can’t imagine why Bitter Book Betty.
Back in West Hollywood, Lisa is overseeing the new staff at SUR. Dayna opens up to Lisa confiding in her that Scheana has been extremely unkind to her due to personal issues aka her rolling around in the hay with Scheana’s most recent boy toy, Max. Lisa seems shocked that Scheana would treat anyone like that, especially since she was treated the same way when she started.
Meanwhile, in Miami, the rest of the girls are trying to talk Brittany off the ledge as she is having a full-on bridezilla meltdown. Well, everyone except for Krazy Kristin that is. The issue at hand began when the waitresses at the club they were at started holding up signs that said “Brittany, don’t do it.” At first Brittany laughed it off but then Kristin took it upon herself to get into Brittany’s ear claiming the entire incident was rude and done in an effort to embarrass her. Brittany takes the bait hook, line and sinker and rallies her bridesmaid troops around her and marches right out of the club, tacky wedding dresses and all.
Back at the hotel, Kristin and Lala go toe-to-toe when the rest of the group tries to appease Brittany explaining that the signs were not personal and probably something the club always does when someone is getting married. Kristin seizes the moment to act as Brittany’s advocate and says that the group needs to acknowledge that Brittany’s feelings were hurt. Cut to mere moments before when Lala utters the words to Brittany, “I completely respect where you’re coming from.”
Lala LOSES IT and tells Kristin that she’s had enough of her but Kristin is like a dog with a bone who just keeps gnawing and gnawing. Finally, she says she’s letting it go but utters under her breath that she was right. In the words of Ramona Singer, “Wow. That’s wow. Just wow, Bethenny.”
The next morning it appears both Jax and Schwartz must be experiencing a bout of amnesia as they recount their evening out at the strip club. To hear them tell it they were extremely uncomfortable and didn’t’ even get lap dances but the footage would determine… THAT WAS A LIE.
The group board a private boat rented by best man Sandoval, in what appears to be a hail mary attempt to get back into the groom’s good graces. Everyone seems impressed with the boat… except for Jax who considers the boat not much different than any other average booze cruise he’s been on. So much for trying, Sandy.
While on the glorified booze cruise, Ariana pulls Stassi aside to clear the air stating she felt like she kept getting dirty looks from her the day before. Stassi counters back that’s not possible because she couldn’t look her or Sandoval in the eye at all.
Ariana chalks it up to a big misunderstanding and says that the day of the book party she wasn’t defending Sandoval, but rather telling everyone that a conversation just needed to be had by Sandoval and Schwartz. Ya know- because it’s all Schwartz’s fault. Every bit of it…
Later in the evening the guys and girls split up and the girls arrive for sushi at trendy Katsuya. While everyone else is seated Kristin lags behind to take a call from…. you guessed it- Carter. He asks if he can swing by the house to grab his photography gear. They eventually get off the phone but not before sneaky snake Carter signs off with a “love you.” In Kristin’s defense, however, she did not say it back.
Back at the table, however, all hell is breaking loose when Stassi confides in Katie that Ariana placed all of the blame of the book party drama squarely on Schwartz.
Ariana is further down the table, minding her own business and enjoying a nice piece of Wagyu, completely unaware of the conversation that’s taking place- but not for long. Katie immediately confronts Ariana and Ariana doubles down saying that Schwartz did not follow the proper “protocol.” Let’s just go ahead and drink every time we hear that word from now on…
Katie’s argument with Ariana appears to die down but it’s not long before Katie sets her sights on a new victim. Kristin joins the rest of the table and Katie immediately demands to know Kristin’s whereabouts. Tensions rise as Kristin admits that she was outside on the phone with Carter and gave him the code to her new home so he could pick up his photography gear.
Katie tells Kristin that she’s eventually going to have to cut the cord with Carter, but Kristin doubles down and says that she has every intention of continuing to communicate with Carter, stating that she even has plans to see him on Saturday when they get back.
This newfound revelation sends both Katie and Stassi into a tailspin as they call Kristin out for being messy. Kristin accuses Katie and Stassi of not being there for her in the same way she was for each of them and then makes an offhanded remark to the other end of the table about how she stood by Katie while Tom effed around on her for years. OH BOY. HERE WE GO.
Katie screams at Kristin and calls her a miserable person and says that she’s never been happy a day in her life. The irony of Katie calling anyone else miserable is certainly not lost on me and probably not the rest of the table either.
Is this the nail in the coffin for the Witches of Weho? Tune into Vanderpump Rules next week to find out!