Sister Wives begins at four weeks after the horror show, with Ari-May, sleeping and cooing adorably, happily recovering from her pelvis jammed shoulder. The Browns have been very careful with her weak spot, at least after the night when everyone passed her around like blueish-gray football. The word “pediatrician” is uttered, cited as a second-fiddle safeguard. Christine is especially fond of baby Ari-May, because she gives her someone to talk to, who will actually listen to her giggly ramblings. Kody continues to call his new daughter “baby sister,” while moronically imitating her baby faces.
Kody and Robyn chat about whether Ari-May will go to Hawaii, for the spring break vacay — but we all know what that not-so-hard decision will be. Christine thinks that they can just negotiate with Ari-May, to sleep and poop graciously on the airplane.
Speaking of poop, TLC flashes us back to the Thanksgiving corn can project, and the current need for Meri and Janelle to work on the emotional fallout from the flopped team craft. Therapist Nancy questions the duo about the months ago endeavor, and Janelle notes feeling like a lazy underachiever. Mare worries about Janelle hearing that she agrees that she is a lazy underachiever. Janelle blames Mare for being a bossy can jammer, and Mare blames Janelle for being a creamed-corn-like slug. They decide that they both hate each other in general, decide to call it a canned misunderstanding, and move on. Mare rocks a white stitched vest, as she articulates the differences between her and Janelle, one obvious one being her thinly drawn on eyebrows.
Janelle thinks that they should do a Hawaiian project — and take the daring plunge to actually interact. Janelle thinks that they should look online for ideas, and Mare smirks involuntarily. Mare doubts that such a lofty goal will work out, but believes that perhaps making mock sand castles will shut Janelle up. Christine and Robyn just hope that they will allow each other the freedom to be pushy and bitchy, and disengaged and sluggish. Janelle muses that Mare’s catfish bay-bee has brought heightened awareness to the family, along with a new fashion shift towards denim vests. Nancy thinks that drawing on their eyebrows in unison, might be the ticket.
The Hawaii trip is almost here, and the college aged kids are flying in for the big vacation. Kody notes that the catfish experience has made him and Mare confused about their super-weird relationship. The awkward coldness between Kody and Meri is palpable, but upon Nancy’s advice, the couple sticks to simple, safe, and probably stupid conversations. Kody is wading through the “unknown,” but Meri never loses that knowing look in her eye. Robyn hopes that they will get their crap together, and Janelle is worried about the devastation of a being left with nothing but a big pile of banana peels.
The kiddos are all packing, as Mindy#5 shares her excitement about the trip. The family is happy, but overwhelmed at the idea of the stampede that will be tromping onto the plane. Robyn decides that the baby will indeed make the trip, determining that she actually serves as a magical human tranquilizer. Robyn labels Ari-May a chill, happy baby — forgetting she already told us that she has colic. We learn the Mykelti has a new boyfriend named Tony, and that hell will freeze over before she comes back to Las Vegas.
Kody is calling a family meeting, and Meri is throwing together a pan of orange slop to feed them on their last night before the big trip. Before the slop-fest, Mare wants to summon Kody, the wives, and Mariah to gift Kody with her paint-by-number commitment symbols. The twenty-three trees will communicate that “she isn’t going anywhere” — the exact phrase we heard in a million voicemails to “Sam.” Mariah fetches the others obediently, promising to return with the same disgusted expression on her mug. The harem gathers, and everyone is sweating bullets, wondering if Mare has hooked up with some new random phone lover. Christine has let her hair go wild, and joins the white stitched brigade, in a new talking head denim jacket. Meri’s vest blazes proudly during her speech, as she presents Kody with four paintings symbolizing their glorious family.
Kody unwraps the hotel art, each effectively nailing each wife’s personalities. The best one by far is reserved for herself, with dark branches of doom reaching desperately for bronzed trees of fantastical love. Robyn’s is the ugliest — the appropriate selection. The wives are thrilled with the paintings, and Christine believes that it is brave for Mare to stoke out her feelings, one guided line at a time. Mare walks them through the deep meaning of the paintings, basically 23 trees for everyone. Meri is proclaimed still present, and more white-stitched than ever. Kody is unemotional, trying his best to thwart anxiety over the reality that he is still stuck with phone-happy Meri. Mariah is uninterested, but throws out a forced compliment. Mare assures us that she most definitely wants to be in this family, especially because Plan A didn’t pan out.
Mare launches into more catfish banter, explaining that the dark period left her not knowing who she was, and questioning her true feelings for her wet bar. She is trying to figure it out, and just hopes that she can reach the sullen Mariah. The next morning, the family gets up early, and loads onto the airport busses.
Next thing we know, we are in Hawaii, with the Browns crowding the poor tourists out of the airport. They are greeted at their lodging with leis and kisses, which gives the guys a cheap thrill. The family breaks out the restaurant delivered troughs, as Logan and Maddie escape with their significant others, for a double date. Logan and girlfriend Michelle are celebrating their one year mark, and discussing their plan to shack up together. Michelle wants to be engaged, and Maddie tears up, as she shares emotional thoughts about her brother. Maddie is happy that her brother found love, and it’s sweet.
Michelle shares her fresh out of college, know-it-all insight — warning viewers to distinguish between Warren Jeffs and the Brown joy-cult. Logan and Michelle assure us that they will be monogamous, and we listen to Maddie and Logan give us a mini-tutorial about plural life — a rinse and repeat of old commentary. The foursome chats about Maddie’s upcoming wedding, including the plan for camo socks, and Pastor Kody officiating the ceremony.
Next week, it’s time to clutch your leis — because the Browns debut their layers of bathing suits.
Kody’s Behind the Scenes recap is set for Tuesday — don’t miss it!
Becca is a Senior Editor for All About The Tea. She’s a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. Her bio is short, but her snark is endless. She loves writing for the sharpest posters in the world.