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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: “Spill The Tea” [Episode 3]

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Last night’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” is titled “All Tea All Shade,” when it should have been titled All Tea, All Shade and Oh Chit! It was a verbal smack down. Let’s go!

First we take a stroll through lush life with Kenya Moore and my favorite Auntie, Lori. I guess people kept calling Kenya a heaux, so she decided to become a gardner. Wait for it…Auntie Lori tells her she needs to forgive all those who threw stones and kill them with kindness. Kenya feels to forgive may be divine but a liar is a liar is a shady liar and those wenches need to apologize. Good luck with that Kenya. Aunt Lori feels a resolution is possible. Kenya asks does she know who she films with? In true Bravo shade form they show Porsha, NeNe and Phaedra verbally gang banging Kenya at the reunion like they were getting paid to do it. Kenya will get back to her aunt about that forgiveness tip. Then Kenya quotes Shakespeare (I believe it was from Othello). Now there’s that Cass Tech DPS education I love and know very well. Touché.

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Meanwhile on Shady Lane Kandi, wearing Riley’s pants, meets up with Phaedra and My Little Pony, Porsha to discuss Cynthia’s party. Porsha tries to throw digs about Cynthia being a follower (pot meet kettle, just sayin’) and messy Kandi informs Porsha that Cynthia isn’t feeling all warm and fuzzy about Porsha anyway so catch that dirt. Then Kandi tells Porsha that Kenya has a friend named Claudia who understands how Kenya feels. Porsha retorts wait until she gets to know Kenya. Sorry Porsha, she has known her for over 10 years. No flip flopping for Claudia. When Phaedra arrives Kandi lets her know she missed the big reveal from Apollo where he admitted the lied about everything. Of course Porsha, who is just a bit thick in the head, (must be all the weave), wants clarification and asks, but they met in LA right? Kandi reiterates HE LIED ABOUT EV-VER-RY-THING. Porsha does the rut-rho head tilt and then attempts to drill Phaedra about all her conversations she should have had with her huzzzband about the situation. Yeah, like the convo you had with Kordell when you found out on Twitter about your divorce. I thought Phaedra would say Fix It Jesus, but instead she says, “oh poor Kenya I guess I owe her an apology.” Kandi says they all do. I’m not buying it, but it was nice see a Christian side of Phaedra, with a little cussing (Oh the Phuckery).

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Cynthia is chopping veggies and taking names while fixing dinner for her man.  She is livid that Porsha is talking smack when she really wants to just smack her. She accepts that fact that Porsha is NeNe’s newest puppet. She can spot that role better than anyone because she held the position last. Peter senses her aggression and tells her to be careful with her words. Cynthia lets him know that is she is the same classy woman, but she no longer takes any chit from anybody anymore. Then she blesses the meal.  #Boss.

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Now we are exposed to sexy time with Kandi and Todd. They had sheets and toys and yet there is nothing sexy about this scene. Kandi wants babies pronto and Todd wants space because he is now cough working cough and too busy. Ok.

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Meanwhile in another bedroom, Kenya and Claudia are shopping for bedroom furniture because Claudia has recently moved to Atlanta. She was offered the job with Rickey Smiley, which is the real reason why she moved to Atlanta. The “Real Housewives” show is just gravy. Claudia wants to come home to sexiness. They have a good laugh talking about her nonexistent love life and her powers in the sack. You can tell they are real friends.  Claudia calls herself a lovable assh*le. I hope so. She seems funny and when she pulled out her weave clips with no shame, I was like that’s my girl!

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Next, we see NeNe visiting her only friend on the show, Porsha. She rings the door bell that doesn’t work. She complains to Porsha about it. In true NeNe fashion she throws shade in her talking head about Porsha driving a Rolls, having a sugar daddy, but having a door bell that doesn’t work. Welcome to friendship with NeNe. The shade is real. Sidebar: Redemption for All About The Tea – you heard it here first about Porsha and her out-of-the-country suga daddy (Read the juicy scoop here). Porsha tries to shade Cynthia’s Ebony Magazine professional photo she used on the invitation (she didn’t send to Porsha) by calling it thot-like. As opposed to Porsha’s classy “Naked Weave” bondage shoot. NeNe pretends not to know what a THOT is or who even Claudia is (back track to 2009 when NeNe tweeted Claudia ,telling her she was her girl and she is doing a great job paving the way- but I digress.)  Look it up. They both hint that Apollo was lying trying to cover for KenyaPorsha starts saying bloop and she is hood rich and using all types of Moose-isms of her newest master/owner/BFF.  #AndYetTheyStillRepossesedYourPeach.

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We get another glimpse of Phaedra in the pool (this time not wearing a thong, Thank Gawd!) playing with her sons. It’s endearing. She says that if taking them to visit their daddy in prison is traumatizing, then no bueno. She also says they will be traumatized also when Apollo misses their kindergarten graduations. Funny, I don’t remember mine. Apollo on the other hand visits the only working divorce attorney in Atlanta, Randy Kessler, who basically tells him to get his ducks in a row. Apollo tells us that he loves his wife but despises everything about her. Ok then.

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Todd’s daughter, Kayla, arrives and she looks just like Todd with a weave. She is happy to move into the mansion. Kandi wants her to bond with Riley. Riley gives her the Mama Joyce treatment. They discuss duties, curfews, and allowances. Kayla isn’t too cool on a curfew and tells Riley she will feel differently when she is her age. Riley tells her she will be in college when she is Kayla’s age. Yup the shade was real.

We finally get to the meeting between the Queen of the Reading Room, Cynthia, and My Pitiful Pony Horsha. This match up wasn’t even fair but I loved it. Porsha arrived an hour late and Cynthia right away schools her on her tardiness. Yup, it’s on! Porsha says that Cynthia shouldn’t have anything to say about her when she gives interviews, even if she is bashing gays. Cynthia tells her don’t come for me and I won’t come for you. She also mirrors Porsha with her hand gestures and then tells her to “keep my name out of your wide mouth.” She lets Porsha knows that she sounds just like NeNe but with a longer chin. Ouch! 

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Porsha tries to say Cynthia was Team Porsha but now she is flip flopping. Last time I checked the reunion footage,  Cynthia didn’t leave the couch when Porsha showed her hoodness. Cynthia tells Porsha she only admitted that she was provoked but she has never been Team Violence. Cynthia reminds Porsha that everyone calls her dumber than snot but it’s funny that the only person Porsha chooses to pick a fight with is her. You hear crickets. Yeah marinate on that Porsha. We’ll wait. Porsha then resorts to making fun of older women in her talking head, because that’s all she has. Meanwhile, Cynthia in her talking head says Porsha  is too busy flip flopping with old men for cars and bags. Ding Ding we have a winner! Cynthia leaves and the library is closed.

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