Real Housewives of New York Recap: Montana Is Tired of The NY B*tches [Episode 16]

Shorthand recap of this show?  YAWN!  If you continue reading beyond this point, you are a glutton for punishment and I can do no more to help you.  You have been warned.  We are still at the Montana dude ranch.  At this point I think Kristen has ruled herself out as a party planner.  Anyone watching this hot mess does not want Kristen planning so much as a kid’s party. The win goes to Aviva, for staying home.  

Tonight’s episode of “The Real Housewives of New York” begins with breakfast at Antlers Cabin (LuAnn, Heather, Kristen): Lu is just back from a 7 a.m. hike. We learn that she is still upset with Sonja over the fight over dinner the night before, but plans to go easy on her. 

Over at Beaver Cabin (Ramona, Sonja, Carole): Sonja is organizing the fridge and planning to make a platter. She’s whining about being sans man. She’s not thrilled learning, as she explains to Carole, that dinner plans have been canceled and they’re staying in for the evening. She’s experiencing man-withdrawal syndrome and claims she almost let the squirrel outside her window in – just to make out with it. Poor squirrel.

On cue, here comes the driver/ranch hand, Henry, who apparently is a jack of all trades and takes care of the two cabins. As Sonja is reaching for food in the fridge she warns Henry she’s not wearing underwear – asking him to stand to the side so she can bend over and grab something. Yeah, that’s breakfast with Sonja (a great title for a cooking series). At Antlers they’re getting excited while preparing for fly fishing. At Beaver Ramona is complaining that skinny bitch Carole turned down the heat and that at her age, she needs the cabin cool, she is getting up there in age. 

All meet for fly fishing – Ramona thinks everyone else looks great, and she does not. The fishing guides look as if they want to be paid extra for this crap. Carole almost floats off down stream and has to be grabbed (surely she’s a character from “Family Guy”, no?). Heather catches a fish that twice gets away before she falls in the river trying to catch it a third time. By the end of the fishing session, Sonja and Ramona want out, making plans to go into town for dinner. Heather tries to shame them into appreciating Kristen’s plans for the evening. They are convinced to stay if the resort chef will bring friends with him.

Getting ready from dinner, Ramona and Sonja are complaining that Kristen isn’t a hostess as they are. Their beds weren’t made, there were not fresh towels, etc. We already know that Ramona knows how to make stuff happen and Sonja is the party wherever she goes. Even their magic is limited here. Sonja says that Kristen lives in a little apartment with two children and doesn’t entertain. Carole looks annoyed, but seems to realize that arguing with these two won’t help. Good move.

The dinner party starts.  The funniest line of the night comes from LuAnn who says in a TH, after Sonja snarks about her giggling with Kristen over being “Connecticut Girls,” that Sonja seems to have a stick up her ass… no, a whole tree.  Apparently, Sonja feels that they shouldn’t be so willing to tell anyone they’re from Connecticut. No further explanation. Lu’s line is funny standing alone, but ridiculously funny given the redwood stuck up LuAnn’s backside since the show began. Sonja pulls the passive aggressive move of the night when she brings up Sakoto, her facialist.  The facialist apparently has told Sonja she’s FAO Schwartz because she has so many toys (in my head, I choose to imagine a slinky, a retro Simon game, and Monopoly – you take her comment to mean wherever you want).

The mention of the facialist (whose words are again shared in a flashback for the audience) causes LuAnn to go ballistic.  She warns Sonja not to mention her again; she’s fed up with her facialist. Sonja is “confused” about why LuAnn is angry, when Lu reminds her that the facialist is spreading rumors that she’s cheating on Jacques as well as rumors about Sonja. 

Somehow the tables are turned on Aviva and now Ramona says that she feels that Aviva “made her asthma happen”  because she didn’t want to leave Reid.  Kristen says that she’s felt like a bitch for accusing her of not having a real illness. I think Ramona AND Kristen need to lay off.  Whether it is medical or psychological, it’s somewhat icky that these women are treating Aviva’s illness like it is up for debate. Carole calls Aviva’s illness a sign of “Munchausen”. I’m guessing Carole doesn’t have a psychology degree.  I’m sure the other women need to stop listening to Carole.

The argument swings back to Lu and Sonja. LuAnn’s anger seems to be disproportionate and she is defending her fidelity to Jacques.  I have to wonder if the last season that aired –the season of the ping ponging pirate, is causing problems for LuAnn in her relationship and if she is afraid that more rumors of infidelity will kill her relationship with Jacques. Sonja appears to be a veteran of targeted gossip mongering and doesn’t care what people are saying about her. LuAnn appears to care DEEPLY. Kristen, in a TH, takes LuAnn’s side. Sonja makes some odd statement to Heather, who is defending Lu, that if you lie down with pigs you are a pig. Heather claims it’s an attack on LuAnn and gets upset. She feels Sonja owes her “dear friend LuAnn” an apology whether she meant to insult her or not. When did Heather and LuAnn become dear friends?

So… this is still the same season, right?  HOW did this show get so stupid so fast? 

The next day there are massages in the woods for Sonja, Ramona, and Heather. Kristen has decided to keep LuAnn and Sonja apart for rest of the trip. Heather tells Sonja that LuAnn feels jealous that Sonja is not as close to her as she is to Ramona. Kristen, LuAnn, and Carole – who is wearing an evening dress, are hiking. LuAnn says that there are times when she is reminded that Sonja doesn’t really consider her to be a good friend though she was there for through the bankruptcy. 

Carole feels that no one realizes how sensitive LuAnn is. Can someone remind me of whether or not these wankers were themselves gossiping about Sonja and her money woes – on screen – and even laughing about some of her issues at some point? Have they not commented on Sonja’s drinking and mocked her while they were on camera?  Yup, really good friends. Sonja tells Heather and Ramona that given the stability in LuAnn’s life, which includes paid alimony and no lawsuit, she should be glad people are talking about her. It’s better to be looked over than overlooked as she has been.

Back at Antlers Kristen and Heather (whom Kristen calls “Sporty Spice”) are getting ready for rappelling, first hiding their jewelry. Kristen admits feeling competitive with Heather. I’m guessing Heather doesn’t think of Kristen as competition at all. Lu doesn’t want to go Skeet shooting with Sonja, guns and all that, so she joins Heather and Kristen.  They learn that the drop is 165 feet down. Kristen volunteers to go first and get it over with, as Heather tells her to not worry if she can’t do it. Kristen does not appreciate the lack of support and tells her she should be encouraging. Kristen tells them that she’ll treat them as she treats Josh; she tells them to be quiet. Heather pulls her control freak move starts instructing Kristen. Sonja flirts, using stereotypes about kissing cousins,with the skeet shooting instructor, Cowboy Paul – who asks her not to use stereotypes. Carole goes first and hits part of the target.  She gets the next one.  Sonja calls it beginners luck.  The instructor gives himself credit. Back at the rock, Kristen is crying and screaming that she hates them all. She begins her journey down the rock. Heather says that she feels that Kristen felt she had something to prove, mostly to her since she’s the most athletic.

Kristen cries when she finishes and realizes she could have been hurt and wouldn’t have been with her children just to prove something to her friends. Sonja shoots well. Ramona? Not so much. Cowboy Paul helps her adjust for her “anatomy,” something Carole notes he didn’t have to do with her, given her flat chest. The gun scares Ramona, who gets a hug from Cowboy Paul. Carole tells him that he didn’t hug her.  Back on the mountain, Lu has a harder time than did Kristen, but is brave at the end.  She kisses the ground.  Heather claims it’s not so bad and shows off, because of course she’s done it before. Heather notes that unlike herself, Kristen is still unhappy after she’s met a challenge. Ok, so maybe there is some weird thing going on with Heather, too.

The interstitial is of Lu and Carole having to stop to urinate while taking a hike in the woods. Lu gives etiquette lessons about going outdoors, in a TH, none of which includes making sure you’re not being filmed while you go – what’s up with that? The scene is symbolic of all that’s wrong with this show.

We’re back with Cowboy Paul and I’m so excited that the end of the show coming that he’s starting to look pretty damned good to me, too. The group is going Geocaching.  They have to use GPS units to find the caches. “Ramonja” are complaining again, they don’t get the point. You have to find hidden boxes, take what’s there and leave something behind. Carole has managed to partner up with Cowboy Paul.  Lu calls Kristen “Pocahontas” because of her headband and Paul reminds Lu that Pocahontas was a Northeasterner, that Sacajawea is more appropriate. Damn, I like him. Give that man a show, Bravo!  More than with anyone else, Kristen feels that Heather has been drinking and is making the event awful by turning the other women against her. Now Heather is saying that Kristen is drunk and behaving oddly. I don’t drink but if this show goes on any longer, I will start.

Heather tells Kristen finding the box is not worth it. Kristen tells Heather she’s mean and bossy. Heather says that she’s not bossy or rude, she’s honest. She also loudly mocks Kristen for crying at the mountaintop and says she shouldn’t have been so stupid in picking an activity she can’t do. Is this the time to remind everyone that Kristen basically turned on Aviva for the sake of her friend Heather, who turned on Aviva for Carole’s sake? The arguing continues through the end of the show. I am setting up a paypal account and someone from Bravo had better drop a huge freakin’ load of money in it since I made it to the end of this craptacular episode.

OH NO!  There is a third episode from Montana to air next week. The fighting continues. I will make sure to keep that paypal account open.

 

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