Ladies of London Recap: “Red, White, and Blue-Blooded” [Episode 3]

Tonight on the Ladies of London, Marissa and Juliet are having cocktails at one of Marissa’s husband’s restaurants, talking about her impending British citizenship. Marissa must take a test and answer questions like: What is a spotted dick? Answer: Pudding. Makes perfect sense. The two are planning a 4^th of July party at “Bumpkin.” They call Caroline and invite her. Caroline cleverly points out the irony that Juliet and Marissa are celebrating when the British were thrown out.

At Caprice’s house we learn that one of her dogs, Rolsy, is addicted to eating his own poo. Caprice has learned from her vet that the cure for this is to mix pineapple with the dog food, but Rolsy doesn’t like pineapple—obviously, if he likes his own poo. Caprice receives a call from her PR people telling her that she’s made the paper’s red carpet coverage from the “Serpentine” party in her pink dress with the bugs. In fact, she is pictured first, before the other celebrities, in her pink dress with the bugs. Caprice is very proud of being first. Something tells me Caprice already knew this information long before that phone call.

Annabelle is visiting her lovely Granny. Thank goodness for subtitles. Annabelle comes from an aristocratic family. Her mother has four official names: the Marchese Something-Something Santinelli, which will be passed down to the eldest female, who is not Annabelle. Granny shares history on the family “assassin” that killed someone and was given a title for that deed. Way to go Granny for spilling the tea. Annabelle tells her sister and Granny that she will ride in a charity event in Alexander McQueen’s honor. Granny says something about his death, but apparently even Bravo editors could not determine her comments because there are no subtitles and we don’t know what she said.

At Caroline’s business she is bossing people around, but in a nice way. Finally the word: wanker is used and it makes perfect sense that Caroline is the one to use it. More Americans should use this phrase, it’s more playful and lighthearted than the second word in spotted dick. Handsome Charles stops by with vintage jewelry for Caroline’s exclusive gift company. She has the best job ever! Her attitude on money is that the British don’t talk about it. It’s considered rude. Therefore, she’s more American in this regard.

Marissa and her husband Matt are at their restaurant sampling food for the 4^th of July party menu. First the ribs, which look delicious, but deemed too messy. Next the hamburgers, which are deemed to big and reduced to sliders. And last the lobster rolls served in hot dog buns. They are deemed not British enough (or American for that matter) but pass the mustard. Marissa is doing everything to make sure the party is ready. There is red, white and blue galore and a three piece band that look’s quite dandy. Marissa explains that when you host a party with Juliet it means that you will do all of the work and Juliet will just show up. Marissa looks sweet in her red, white, and blue sundress. Juliet looks like her denim shorts lost a battle with the hedge clippers and her top looks like a designer straight-jacket.

Noelle and Scot arrive at the party. Thankfully there are subtitles for Scot because he speaks softly and is not always clear. Marissa wishes them a happy 4^th anniversary on this 4^th of July, reminding them this is when the three first met. Scot reminisces how he and Noelle were each in the papers that week. He was in the crime section; she was in the fashion section. Good times. A match made in tabloid-heaven.

The champagne is flowing because that’s how Americans celebrate the 4^th — actually we typically drink beer, but beer was not flowing at the Bumpkin. When Caroline arrives and says something sarcastic about Juliet’s shorter than short-shorts, Juliet tells us it’s because Caroline likes her. Okay? Annabelle arrives and is wearing all black to commemorate the British loss. Caprice arrives with friends. The ladies sit around the table, catching up and talking about riding. Juliet tries to join the conversation, but ferrets her way through, dominating the discussion, and annoying the ladies. Annabelle schools Juliet on taking a breath when she speaks. Juliet wants to know, who the heck does Annabelle think she is — besides freaking brilliant at putting Juliet in her place.

Marissa tells the party-goers that this will be her last 4^th of July celebration. Next year she will be a real British citizen (provided she can pass that test). She announces that Juliet will now sing the National Anthem. Juliet thankfully declines. This is a very difficult song and should not be attempted except by professionals.Unfortunately, Juliet can not resist the attention and breaks into song. Caprice says this is why the British make fun of Americans. Annabelle says it sounds like the Star Strangled Banner. And Caroline compares it to a car crash you can’t turn away from.

When a friend of Juliet shows up with a gift of red, white and blue underwear, Annabelle has had enough and exits so quickly you’d think it was a fire-drill. Juliet declares this to be extremely rude behavior. But actually, Annabelle is out front smoking with Caroline and another woman. Juliet confronts Annabelle, calling her ruder, when I just want to say, isn’t it more rude? Actually, both are acceptable, but ruder sounds weird due to Juliet’s repetitiveness of the word. Then Juliet lashes out at Annabelle and calls her fancy, polite, and proper. Bam! Take that, Annabelle.

Caroline explains that in British society you don’t make a scene and this is evident because Caroline and the other woman don’t say a word. In America, we stick up for our friends, right or wrong. Juliet goes back inside and vents to the rest of the ladies about Annabelle’s ruder behavior. Caprice quickly defends Annabelle (Yay Caprice!) and tells Juliet that her personality is dominating and some people just don’t like that. Juliet says that she’s a little kitty-cat inside. Yeah, if that kitty-cat is a dominating, pushy, loud kitty-cat.

Stay tuned for next week’s recap of Ladies of London.