‘RHONY’ Reunion Recap: Luann De Lesseps Stands By Her Man Amid Brutal Attacks By Bethenny & Crew

The Real Housewives of New York reunion continued last night—the only show in town that mixed giant fibroids with steely calzones, and bed-hopping with murky yellow true love. Let’s get to the bloody nonsense.

The Bethenny Show

The reunion begins by rehashing the gory storyline of the star of the show—Bethenny Frankel. We begin by remembering flashes of her budding romance with her married boyfriend. The ladies who have met dreamy Dennis all vouch for his fabulousness, especially Bethenny, who has decided that legally nailing the loaded sucker might not be so bad. We sit through endless jabber about her bloody fibroid drama, and the trials of having no family who can stand to be in your presence. Bethenny tears up  as she explains how Bryn requested to meet her grandmother. Remarkably, Granny has not fled the country, after fifteen years of estrangement from her high-octane offspring. Bethenny promises that she will bring Bryn to meet her grandmother—but acts as though she’s emotionally crippled by the prospect of facing her past. We listen to Bethenny’s dramatic breakdown at her finally vacated marriage den, the intense experience thoroughly  documented by smartphone, for your reunion viewing pleasure. Bethenny nods again to the idea of getting hitched—and because the lovebirds share  adorably similar humanity-hating senses of humor—it looks like a match made in heaven. No one breathes the name “Dennis Shields,” protecting her lover like he is in the witness protection program—but no one better whisper that their canoodling is not above board. Bethenny sniffles and gulps through her segment, coaxing viewers to feel for a woman who has empathized with no one—aside from maybe a Skinnygirl bottle.

A “Jule” Toned Season

Jules Wainstein’s rookie season is rehashed next. Her heritage, her children, her dirtbag cheating husband, and her ongoing struggle with an eating disorder are all reviewed. Jules provided a painfully honest breath of fresh air this season. Although it will likely be a one-and-done Bravo go-round for Jules, I believe that she added a significant dimension of color to a particularly bleak Bravo landscape. Jules notes the sad demise of her marriage, but refuses to address rumors surrounding the breakup. Bethenny throws out gossip about her motive for coming on the show, and smart Jules reveals that she never signed a prenup. Dorinda bristles at Bethenny’s nosy aggression towards her friend, and orders her to back it up.

What’s WRONG With Bethenny?

Jules shares that she miraculously shared some genuine moments with Bethenny, before her backup singer wrecked the girl-party. Carole labeled Jules a girl in denial, but Jules points out that her raw admissions proved the lame assessment incorrect. Bethenny butts in and says that Jules gave conflicting stories about therapy, an accusation she knows very well to be off-base. Jules reminds them that she was in a lot of pain from her bruised cooch during the freaky calzone incident, and that it was her attempt at silliness. Carole offers some droning side-nag analysis, then Bethenny hijacks Jules’s emotional struggle and makes it about her own traumatic childhood. Bethenny denies being a complete bitch behind Jules’ back, but Jules nails her, several times over. Bethenny defends herself by claiming her right to be a self-absorbed hag, and Luann slips in that she was probably projecting her own bony issues on Jules. A viewer asks why Carole allowed Bethenny to turn her into a mean girl, and Bravo flashes us back to the childish spectacle at Jules’ Hamptons home. Jules gets called out for meno-snark, a harsh memory that makes Carole’s vegan-fed hormones rage. Bethenny puts joking about hot flashes on the same level as a life threatening mental illness—and the unfair comparison is disgusting. Andy calls Bethenny out for dishing it then calling foul—and the spot-on point hits one of her skinny nerves. Bethenny whips out of nowhere that Jules misrepresents Jews—a desperate reaction revealing that she had indeed been stung hard by the truth. Jules drops the question of the season..asking what is WRONG with Bethenny. BRAVO Jules! You’ve been a gem.

Dorinda Meddler

Bravo walks us though Dorinda’s greatest buttinksi hits of the season, while Dorinda chuckles at her own zany antics. She cops to stirring the pot and admits to identifying with that classic 70’s busybody, Gladys Kravitz. She reminds them all that her drama-lovin’ heart is in the right place. She sticks up for defending Jules from the mean girls club, then calls out Carole for speaking insensitively about her Berkshires home. Dorinda points out that Carole never gave any effort toward friendships apart from Bethenny—and Andy lets one of the most obvious and obnoxious dynamics of the season slide. Sonja blasts Dorinda for not sticking up for her—but never calls Bethenny out for proclaiming her the cast pariah. I guess she wants a Season 9 job.

Tom, Tom, and More Tom

You know the background. Tom boinked Sonja, penned Ramona, and gave Luann a murky yellow rock. Bravo plays back the key Tom clips, while the women take turns spitting “LIAR!” at the monitor. Luann is confident that Tom is worth losing the Countess title, because he is no common upper east side man-whore. Ramona then relives her meaningful dating history with the bald stud. She proudly shows off evidence on her phone of a penned palm-heart, inadvertently revealing that she was pretty smitten. The women chatter about tabloids and un-cool timelines, as Jules snarks about her dream to get her single hands on Tom. They debate group dates, intimate trysts, truth, lies, lovers, and friends. Sonja cops to sleeping with Tom five times—at least while she was conscious—still quite a drop from ten years of continuous sex romps. Bethenny and Ramona snicker on the side, as Luann and Sonja share a nice hug. Ramona chatters incessantly in the background, while Luann explains that they are getting married, and her grubby hand-heart isn’t invited. Bethenny offers a commentary on friendship, but everyone knows to ignore her know-nothing analysis. Andy mentions the awkward engagement party, and Sonja claims that Tom threatened her to tow the one-romp line—promising that her wedding invitation gets it, if she refused. Dorinda speaks truth when she says that though all the repetitive banter, Luann and Tom are still getting married, on New Year’s eve. 

Next week, we wave goodbye as the reunion wraps.

 

“Like” us on Facebook  “Follow” us on Twitter and on Instagram