‘RHONY’ Reunion Recap: Luann Exposes Homewrecker & ‘Hypocrite’ Bethenny Frankel

The Real Housewives of New York reunion exploded last night — and the hype leading to the post-season has been REAL.The women have secrets, skinny butts to kiss, and lots of explaining to do. Naturally, Luann and Bethenny win the pimp spots, on either side of Andy Cohen. Jules looks fabulous —  like she has gained some weight — proving that dumping the mini-marshmallow was a wise move. Sonja and Luann look great, and Dorinda looks cute in her Ice Capades dress. Ramona shows off her twins and a recent facial overhaul, and Carole pulls off an effective naughty schoolmarm, likely exciting her grubby herb-thrower. Bethenny, dressed in virgin white, is accessorized with chains, bangles, and bitterness.

Dorinda and the Dry Cleaner

Andy begins by hashing out early-season drama, with Dorinda’s tub-o-love boyfriend. Dorinda admits that the John drama was very upsetting, and that the episodes made her want to quit the show. She believes that she came through the parts she actually remembers, a stronger person. She wants to stay with John, because she doesn’t see him often, and he doesn’t bug her about marriage, or demand consciousness. Ramona admits that she had “diarrhea of the mouth” when she blabbered about John and Dorinda’s sex life, but gives Dorinda kudos for getting banged all night. Andy brings up Bethenny’s bra party cocaine accusation, and Dorinda denies the behavior, appalled by the nosy rumor.

Dorinda reveals that while she can’t blow off kissing her ass on TV — the couple never hangs around with Bethenny. The cast shoots eye daggers at each other, and decide it best to drop the powdery subject. Bethenny claims that she is not there “to ruin lives” unless you’re Luann, but Luann reminds her that she has dragged just about the entire cast. Sonja interjects that everyone knows that Dorinda is a druggie — trying to throw in whenever she can. Sonja then offers her personal John analysis — derived from high-brow insight absorbed from “powerful people.” She surmises that the blurting dry cleaner can’t swim in “all circles,” and has an icky vocabulary. Bravo blesses us with a Rey  flashback, easily my favorite scene of the whole season. Ramona doesn’t know why she defended Luann’s flamboyantly hammered travel lover, forgetting that the cameras captured her panting all over to him to score juicy gossip nuggets on her co-star.

The Cast Cougar

We relive Ramona’s disappointing season, and remember the swinging plastic hair, flung in the direction of various men. Ramona’s struggle with the word “reggae” lives on, but she still enjoys dancing like a chimp in heat. Bethenny and Dorinda are relieved that Ramona has chilled out, and is slowly hunting, rather than pouncing and smothering. Ramona still cries over her divorce, but due to Mario being high maintenance, she has been happy to spin herself into a botoxed, Season 8 ass-kisser. Dorinda and Sonja agree that Ramona dates idiots, but no one really expects her to know better. Ramona shares that she has determined that her desperate shtick is old, so she plans to tackle the challenge of heterosexual friendships, and lay off the embarrassing fake sex talk. She hopes to resume her tomfoolery after she reevaluates her options, in a few months. She makes sure to share that her daughter Avery thinks that her mom looks like a gorgeous teen — and Ramona agrees 100%.

Batty in the Berkshires

We flash back to the heavily decorated Christmas weekend at Dorinda’s, and the stuffed Santas still look petrified. The “Slut-Liar-Snake” argument is rehashed, along with Luann’s epic response. Dorinda’s slurring cast spanking is remembered — a tanked rant that Andy labels “gripping.” Dorinda “made it nice,” but we all remember that the weekend was a disaster. Andy asks for a vote on Hairdo-Gate, and Luann reminds him that Bethenny might rip them all a new one, if anyone dare twitch. No one addresses the trip freeze-out of silent Sonja, as they all laugh about the good ol’ horrible days. We flash back to Turks and Caicos trip, and Luann admits to making out with a weepy married man. Luann then fiercely switches gears, and drops the bomb — busting Bethenny for boinking her own married man.

The Truth Bombshell

Bravo delivers — giving us what we tuned in for, as Luann calmly slams  Bethenny for dating a still-taken man. Bethenny’s backup singers harmonize, backing up her denials through Luann’s cool as a cucumber delivery. Luann acknowledges that they are both separated now, but believes that the affair began while he was still married, and living with his family. Luann blasts Bethenny like a champ, noting that Bethenny has hidden and bedded plenty of married men. Bethenny denies that she broke up the marriage, and points to Jules to back her up. Jules recalls Bethenny talking about calling his wife in November, to make a “timestamp” so everyone would know that she hadn’t banged the baldy yet.

Bethenny babbles out her side to Andy, as Luann throws comments in the background at Jules, while rolling her eyes about Bethenny’s secret slutty past. Bethenny claims that she was having a platonic dinner with Shields — when a neighbor busted them together. The sighting triggered the phone call to his wife — to thwart rumors — or to cover their tracks. Luann doesn’t back down, so Bethenny amps the rinse-and-repeat insults, copping to being a proud slut-shamer. She labels Luann a “complete whore,” remarking that Luann acts disgusting. Bethenny keeps pounding out the jabs, much to the delight of the grinning Ramona and Sonja. Andy challenges Bethenny’s aired rages towards Luann, and Bethenny admits that her feelings haven’t changed. Luann isn’t surprised, and doesn’t break a sweat when she once again proclaims her the true hypocrite.

The Phone Call

Bethenny whips out her phone, clearly with a pre-planned defense, just primed to execute. She supposedly phones Shields’ daughter, who immediately answers, and assures them — in a carefully rehearsed speech — that Daddy has not introduced a frenetic tramp into the family lately. Bethenny can’t even shut up long enough let her prize witness perform, as she grins like a fool while interrupting her own silly strategy. Bethenny hangs up and jumps around like manic loon — but Luann recants nothing. She speaks truth when she adds that Bethenny is horrible and evil. How we know this call was not rigged remains a question mark, as well as the obvious fact that Shields may not have disclosed to his children that he was screwing a banshee reality star. This phone call — shady or not — marks a new gutter-level low in Bravo reunion history.

Next week, Tom enters the reunion landscape, and Carole’s side-nag faithfulness falls under scrutiny. See you in Part 2!

 

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