RECAP: Ladies of London – Humping Husbands in Unicorn Onesies [Episode 3]

It’s Christmas time in London. The streets are wet, the air is damp, but the Ladies of London are in good spirits. We catch up with Annabelle, who has a cold, meeting Lady Julie for tea. She tells Annabelle that she’s looking for investors for her energy snack, JUB — Julie’s Unbelievable Balls. Is it me, or do you immediately think of the SNL skit, Schweddy Balls? Her goal is noble, to save Mapperton, but please give this energy snack a makeover.

Annabelle shares with Lady Julie the children’s book she’s working on stemming from her lonely, angry, fearful time as a child growing up in a wealthy, entitled, aristocratic family, is coming along swell. Fun fact about Annabelle: by the time she was 8 years old, she had visited 20 children’s therapists. Her book is like “Inside Out” if directed by Tim Burton.

Marissa and husband Matt are taking a gander at the new restaurant property they’ve acquired. Marissa is going to open a restaurant of her own, bringing American culture to London by way of the hot dog. Sorry England! Top Dog will specialize in organic hot dogs, like that sounds better. They tour the establishment and go over the changes that need to take place. First on the list is to remove dead, smelly animals from the basement.

During a private yoga session given by Lady Julie to Juliet, they discuss what the group should do for New Year’s Eve. Juliet is a member of Club Royal and wants to be nice and invite everyone to dine, drink champagne, watch fireworks, and dress like animals, but we’ll get to that last part in a minute.

Caroline is at work and things are in dire straits. Christmas sales weren’t impressive and the six month money supply has now dropped to three. Caroline’s assistant, Raina, who sounds like she’s smoked a million cigars, questions Caroline’s bah-humbug attitude about firing people. Caroline explains she’s a hard ass bitch because that’s how you build an empire. Not by being weak.

Lady Julie loves riding her bike all across London, even while sporting the cold she picked up from Annabelle. Today she’s biking to meet with Caroline to discuss the JUB business plan she will present to possible investors soon. Lady Julie wants to siphon Caroline’s self confidence and wear like a Versace bike helmet. Caroline has no time to be a full-time mentor, but for a slice of cake, will give you her harshest opinions.

First, Caroline tells Lady Julie to quit cycling around town lest she become road splat because she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Onto business, Lady Julie is jabbering away nervously to pit bull Caroline about her plan to ask for $150K. Caroline warns her not to give her business away just as it’s on the brink of success. Caroline does not recommend a name change. Why, Caroline? Why?

It’s party time in London! They celebrate it five hours before New York City. Everyone is staying at the five star Club Royal hotel for the New Year’s Eve festivities. The plan is to dress in their formal attire and meet at Juliet and Gregor’s suite for, what else, champagne. It’s like water to these people. Lady Julie’s black dress drapes in the back and she looks much prettier than she did in that red dress, despite the yellow stamps on her arms. Annabelle’s black dress with gold shoulder pads must have come from the Michael Jackson collection, but she still looks beautiful. Everyone is gathered except for the hostess, Juliet. She’s still getting ready. Finally she enters the room in her shredded silver tinsel dress.

The dinner table is beautifully decorated. There is more silverware and stemware than most Americans would know what to do with. Matt shares that the Club Royale is where he first met Marissa. He tried to talk her into getting a room, but that didn’t pan out. Hahahaha. Everyone has a good laugh at his anecdote, except Lady Julie. She accuses Matt of turning a romantic story into a raunchy one. This is our first clue that Lady Julie might be mad as a hatter.

Juliet is kissing Carol’s ass and Caroline is taking note. Juliet tells Carol that they were destined to meet and get along, but Juliet knows nothing about her so they simply must do yoga on a rock together. This sets off a headstand competition between Lady Julie and Baroness Carol. When Carol achieves the salamba sirsasana pose first (I had to look that up) Caroline points out that of the two titled women who were attempting it, the non-yoga instructor achieved her headstand first. Apparently slower is better, but Lady Julie is offended by Caroline’s comment. How dare she throw that dig.

Lady Julie runs to the bathroom and Annabelle follows. There are tears, and long story short, after Caroline is summoned to the bathroom, she begrudgingly apologizes even though Caroline was offended by headstands at a formal dinner.

It’s midnight finally, the fireworks are beautiful as the ladies and gents look down on their fellow Londoners from their penthouse balcony. Second fun fact of the episode: Sophie likes to make out with women. Interesting bit of news. I wonder where her husband, Caroline’s brother, was that night? Didn’t see the two of them kissing.

When they return inside for more champagne, Caroline surprises everyone with animal onesies. There’s a cow, a unicorn, a lion, a penguin, a kangaroo. The hotel suite has literally become a zoo. While Juliet is busy looking in a mirror, Caroline is straddling Gregor, teasing him to put on a onesie. Juliet walks in and asks Caroline if she was just straddling her husband, to which Caroline says, “It was the highlight of his evening.”

To be continued. Did you watch the clip for next week? So much drama – can’t wait!

 

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