Love & Hip Hop New York Recap: “Oh Baby!” [Episode 5]

At Negro Claro in Washington Heights, N.Y. — seems this show takes place anywhere but Manhattan which is the only part of New York that matters — Chrissy is dressed up in leopard with a neckline down to her belly, showing her ta-tas which is a no-no when they sag-sag. You get me? At least her wig is high up. Cyn arrives so they can diss Erica, while sucking on some grimy hooka. Cyn says she’s done with Erica. Now she’s playing instruments. She’s singing. Stop laughing. I think she’s serious. Chrissy decides — without hearing a note — that she’s gonna set Cyn up with Rich to piss off Erica.

Peter got back from Barbados just in time to watch Amina birth one of his babies. He knows the drill. While she’s laying in the hospital bed, he’s lying to her about who he was with which he claims were his promoters. Then he lies some more and says he’s settled things with Tara. He lets it slip that he let her choose. What a dope! Then he’s got the nerve to tell her she’s not hearing it right. He tells her, “I want to be husband to you now.” Oh, wow. Gee. How nice of you, Peter.

Erica yaps her head off about why her work life and love life are never in sync so she goes to talk to Rich. She starts off by telling him she’s not going to sue him for the money her bullshit music didn’t make which must come as a relief to Rich. So what does she want? Seems she wants to talk about her love life with him because they were such “dope” friends. Uh. Yeah. Sounds it. I always threaten to sue the ass off my “dope” friends. Anywaaay, back to her fake-ass reason for camera time. She’s trying to tell us that the moment she has a relationship everyone else gets all concerned and wants to know about it and gets in her business — we know the real truth which is her P.R. “team” is pushing out the rumors about her to get her covered. Still doesn’t sell any records, does it? Rich tells her her “career is predicated on who you are” and that’s always gonna mess up her relationships. Who is she? I mean, really. Who is she? I never heard of her candy ass before this show, did you all? She’s always down as “Erica, star of VH1’s ‘Love and Hip Hop New York'” isn’t she? And somehow, now, she’s hooked on to Shad Gregory Moss — y’know, Lil’ Bow Wow, now that’s he’s grown with a “secret kid” Bow Wow — who hasn’t had a hit or anything serious going down in years. So this conversation just makes me laugh. We know Erica is desperate, but I didn’t Richie D was equally desperate.

New day, new wig for Chrissy. The old-ass b*tch goes to apologize to Chink, realizing that when you’re old enough to be a man’s grandmother, you need to STFU. So she does, but can’t hold it for long. She complains about him spending time in the studio. “I don’t wanna keep crossing this bridge,” says Chink. Then Chrissy gets to the real issue at hand. Her funky old ass wants a baby. How this is going to happen to someone who hasn’t been fertile since Hammer Time, heaven only knows! Pretty funny that Chink gets so worried! Guess he can’t do the math. Don’t worry Chink! All those eggs are waaaaay past their sell by date! Ain’t nothin’ fresh up in that cooch.

Yandy goes to meet her friend Candy to tell her about being pregnant. Unlike me, Candy doesn’t slap the sh*t outta her to make her get an abortion.I guess I’m the only one that thinks an alleged felon doesn’t make a good baby daddy, or even decent genes. Candy does talk her into thinking about the future — you know the very possible future that consists of him being up the river while she’s hip deep in baby poopie diapers.

Mr. Egghead Cisco is at the gym with Richie talking about Diamond and how she’s so unappreciative of his honesty, and how she disrespected his baby mama. Of course, he tells us he’s still creepin’ on his baby mama who has no idea about Diamond. This guy is amazing!

Amina has a baby girl, named Cori. Yeah. I know. Who cares. We tried to warn her, didn’t we? To me, the baby looks awfully white so maybe there’s still hope it ain’t Peter‘s progeny.

Back to Chrissy. You may want to deploy your barf bags for this one. She’s got uterine fibroids is what she tells her girlfriend, Ryan. She says if she gets them “removed, it will lesson my chances of having a baby.” I think that ship sailed with parachute pants, but okay, we’ll play. She tells us she’s already off birth control. She’s starts fake crying about wanting a baby. With her spiked bracelets, bleached hair, and fake eyelashes, I can see her pushing a baby carriage, can’t you? Her friend tells her she needs to tell her man about this plan. Not to worry — she’s getting pregnant during the flight of the pigs scenario that will happen any day now.

Yandy decides to talk to Mendeecees about her best friend being back. I thought this was a euphemism for her monthly friend, ya know what I mean? Unfortunately, she means Candy. Then the talk turns to their baby and their future and how she shouldn’t worry because he might not have to do 20 years. A-ma-zing.

Rich and Cyn get together, and he apologizes to her because he can see how beneficial hanging with Cyn could be to his air time. Cyn has a great idea about writing a song for her brother who committed suicide, and she says this like she’s relating how she’s gonna do the laundry by separating the whites from the colors. Get the picture? She’s really, really, really not emotional about it. Rich says fine as long as he can exploit her in kind to promote his sorry ass liquor, which shall remain nameless here from now on. I ain’t typin ’til I’m paid for hypin’ baby!

Chrissy‘s driving her tacky-ass red Chevy. with her dog and her chihuahua. LOL! Get it? Her dog and her chihuahua? Chink’s the dog in that line!!! Anyway, she tells Chink that she’s off the pill. He’s pissed. Like I said, he’s got nothing to worry about. He’s still married to someone else, anyways, anyhow.

Cisco goes to tells his babies’ mama, Tasha, whom he still blames for the whole mess that is their relationship, about Diamond. He tells her there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her or his children. Oh, except get married. Oh, except be there when she’s birthing his babies. Oh, except be faithful to her. She basically tells him to go scratch. Too little too late. Seventeen years she’s wasted on Mr. Egghead loser. Just wait. Her nightmare ain’t over. Cisco does tell Tasha about Diamond. He blames Tasha for getting pregnant when he was with Diamond because that’s why Diamond’s mad at him now, and not with him. Yeah. You couldn’t write this sh*t or, maybe you could and did? It’s so bad in a bad way. Cisco, of course, walks out. He either a) can’t handle the truth, or b) that’s all they wrote.

Rich invites Erica to his pad to break the news that he’s inviting her to his liquor launch, and oh, by the way, he’s gonna work with Cyn. Erica says he’s full of shit. “You reach under and grab her ass.” And this: “Why the one dyke from Dykeman? Why?” You know someone wrote that line for her! Anyway, they pretend-fight like we’re supposed to believe it, but we know it’s all for showin’ and not for blowin’! Erica leaves, but of course, she first tells him she’ll see him and Cyn at this party, which was her way of prognosticatin’ for the cameras!

See YOU in the funny papers!

 

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