Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Gators & Haters [Episode 11]

When we last left “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” the Jersey sludge was about to hit the fan during a cast vacation in Boca Raton, Florida. As I anticipate the potential bloodbath, my mind drifts to fond memories of skirmishes past. There has been a table flip, yanked extensions, a religious themed brawl, a reunion shove, and my personal favorite, a Joe vs Joe midget wrestling match, where no one left the scene without smears of “Bald Be Gone” on their person. While that episode would seem hard to beat, I have faith in this low class bunch, especially with a filthy closet skeleton thrown in for good measure.  We open with all of the girls chatting about their day..they plan to visit an alligator park, and buzz around the Everglades. The twins are dressed like they are going to a Jersey nightclub. They arrive at the park, cuddle some baby gators,  jump on the air boats, and take off. Those boats are FUN, and I am jealous. They spot a gator and the twins shriek in nasal squeals, which I didn’t even know was possible.

We cut to Teresa drawing with four year old Audriana, and in between Teresa’s brain piercing squeals, Joe strolls in and shares a nice text of support from Chris Laurita. Teresa lets us know that Jacqueline has been sending her ‘textis,’ reads one out loud, and struggles a bit with the harder words. Teresa is touched, but is worried that she can’t trust Jacqueline, and we are reminded of a tacky past reunion moment between the two.

Jacqueline and Chris are working with Nicholas, and she shares that there are good days and bad days.  She explains that although Teresa hasn’t really been a supportive friend through the trials with Nicholas, she still likes her, and that they used to be like sisters. Nicholas works hard to read and say, “I love you daddy,” and it is heart melting. Jacqueline’s struggle is real, and I hope that being on this train wreck of a show doesn’t set her back.

The breakout star of the year, Jim Marchese, and his wife Amber are packing to hit the crap fest down south, and Amber is excited to celebrate her clean bill of health. The Victoria Gotti rumor is mentioned..GASP!..and Amber vows to leave it alone. They both hope for a nice trip, which I find hilarious.

Kathy and Rich are at their home construction site, and Rosie makes an appearance. A Jonas brother is their project manager, and that discovery is beyond random. We see Rosie in full makeup and she looks pretty.  She seems unhappy, and Kathy thinks that she needs to work on her self worth. Kathy is a sweet sis, and seems to enjoy doling out sage bits of life wisdom to us all.

Joe Gorga and Bobby have arrived in Boca and are chilling in the pool. Upon Nicole’s arrival, she and Bobby shove their tongues down each other’s throats, and jump in the pool together. I guess the nauseating display was supposed to convince us all that their romance is oh so real. Next, there is Jersey JOY to be had, because Jim and Amber are here! They walk in, and everyone fakes happiness that they have arrived, except Bobby who doesn’t hide his disdain for Jim’s star power. Nicole is dressed like a member of the Senior Pussycat Dolls.

The Giudices are on a family visit to Joe’s brother Pete’s house, and we see Franco and Filomena, Joe’s parents, and the rest of the gang. We all know that Franco has since died, and I think Bravo wants us all to be reminded of Giudice family heartache. The Wakiles are also gathering for dinner, and Rosie is soaking in some much needed family love. Rosie shares her thoughts about God’s plan for her life, and that she and Ellen have broken up. Everyone wants love and happiness for sweet Rosie. Back at the Giudice dinner, Teresa remarks that everyone knows not to ask any questions, which sounds like an effective, denial inducing strategy. They banter about God, family, making mistakes, setting examples…no mention of taking responsibility. Filomena expresses that they are all her life, and Joe looks as if he is about to cry. Teresa smiles as if she doesn’t know what they are talking about, and doesn’t ask any questions.

Bobby starts out his evening in mature fashion by making a foolish face behind Jim’s back. Dina, draped in a purple monstrosity, and Amber are chatting by the pool, and Dina fills her in about almost spilling the dirty secret to the twins. Amber assures her that she’s known about this tasty tidbit for simply forever, and that her lips have been sealed since that epic lunch with Vicky. Amber confesses her past crap stirring past, and announces that she is now a reformed blabbermouth. Nicole wants to pretend that she’s in Hawaii, (huh?) and she and Bobby engage in an extremely awkward and telling cuddle on the couch.

Meanwhile, Jim is teaching “Romance 101” while sticking up for Nicole, and even TerESSa seems impressed. The drunk twins are a rapt and slurring audience. Nicole thinks Jim is trying to get under Bobby’s skin, but is making some good points.  It works like a charm, and sucker Booby Bobby storms off in a huff, while Nicole chases him down. Bobby finally says something intelligent, and calls Nicole stupid. He scampers like a scared bunny into a bathroom, while Jim explains to his attentive harem that Bobby is a good man, but needs to grow up, admit his need for Nicole, and see his kids more than once every two weeks. Jim then casually remarks that he isn’t going to repeat the family rumor that Bobby has shared with him. Whoops! I’m sure THAT just SLIPPED out! Amber tries to shut it down, and is upset that Jim is dredging up the smut. Dina works hard to make herself relevant, and she fails.

Amber turns on the waterworks, and Dina jumps to release her mad zen skills to calm her down. TerESSa tells Nicole to…wait for it…SHUT UP…and Nicole turns on the gaspy tears. TerESSa is about to unleash her inner Jersey trash thug…she is pointing, squinting, and her accent is getting thicker. Jim then ups the ante and drops the bomb that Bobby has been boinking some chick in his condo the whole time he has been dating Nicole. Joey and Mel are beginning to think that maybe a couple of felons in the family isn’t so bad, and Joey is actually grinning.

Amber and Nicole are seen loudly coaxing Roberta out of his safe place, while Jim smirks into his cocktail. TerESSa slurs the classic “I’m done!,” then threatens to sick her mobster wannabe husband on Jim, who tells her to bring it on. Joey manages to stifle his delight long enough to school Jim on his manners, then calls him a bitch in his talking head. I believe that’s the one crouched by the toilet. Bobby finally comes out, shirt unbuttoned, chains a flashing, and does his best to transform from pansy to badass. Amber blubbers to Jim, Dina blubbers to Bobby, and TerESSa raps it up by screeching for Bobby to grow some balls.

Jim is still fresh as a daisy, and cool as a cucumber, straight out of a Miami Vice episode.

We wrap it up in Boca next week..see you then!

 

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