Below Deck Recap: “Strains, Stains and a Big Pain” [Episode 6]

Now, let me just recap my recaps of what goes on here. The maids and janitors have to spend three whole days with some guests while cleaning and serving, and they get a big tip at the end, like, say, $1,800 smackers each.

I just wanted to make sure I understand the “job” since it seems that every other show, this season and last, the crew is kvetching about needing a break. Tonight, they are abandoning ship for a gin joint called Peg Leg’s. Sounds reputable enough. Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Everyone’s primping and prepping for Peg Leg’s – everyone except Kat? Now, why would our favorite souser want to stay on board? Well, sit right back and I’ll tell the tale! Ben says he’s NOT leaving the ship so he can prep! Get it? ;-)

Meanwhile, everyone else hits the bar and Jennice immediately wants to meet people and tries to snag Kate to be her wing-woman. On the other hand, when Kelley stands near, she starts talking about her boyfriend and totally disses him. She now seems to remember she has a boyfriend.  Kate tell us she thinks it’s sweet that Jennice is so optimistic about life and doesn’t yet realize how it’s all shite. Oh, but I think she might have a clue after she sees Jennice’s “smooth” handling of Kelley.

Cut to the boat, and Kat and Ben are goofing around and drinking. Seriously, just goofing around. I’ll tell you when it gets more interesting than a 9-year-old’s play date.

Cut to the bar, and Jennice is hyper flirty and loudly playing games with blurry men. Kelley drinks.

Cut to the boat – nada, still.

Cut to the bar – Amy starts yapping about how she knew Kat before for six whole months. Kate‘s dying to find out what happened, but chooses taking a pee over interrogation.

Cut to the boat – finally, Ben figures, “Who are we kidding?” and Kat tells us, “There’s Ben and alcohol and me – not a good combination.” We close on a shot her butt shimmying up the circular stairs.

Cut to the bar – Eddie takes Kelley away to get some distance between Kelley and Jennice, whom I’m now going to officially call “Ho, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Rum.” Kate leaves, Amy leaves, Jennice won’t leave. One of the guys tells Amy to go “f” herself, and she asks if he wants her to “pour this drink on you?” Wow. There’s how to handle a situation. Finally, after teasing the guys and having them buy the drinks, they all leave. and we see a parting shot of three guys who just wasted a night. Amy takes offense.

Cut to the boat, and Jennice decides to complain to Eddie about how they were treated. Kelley overhears, and of course, since he’s pissed about Jennice, he runs off the boat to “defend” his sister. He tells the guys it’s not cool to treat his sister that way, and Eddie pulls him away and back to the boat, but Amy cries like he did do something. She’s so worried, but she’s freakin’ drunk, so now we know she’s a drama queen when she’s drunk. Jennice tells us Kelley‘s scary sometimes. Well, let me see, you poke and poke the hornet’s nest and then you’re scared of sting? Yikes!

Finally, someone calms down enough to hear that somebody is doing the horizontal mambo in the master suite. Unlike final Jeopardy, it seems to take forever for them to figure out that Ben and Kat were the only two left on board, so who could it be now? We hear Ben howling. He howls. Perhaps it’s an foreigner thing.

The next morning, Kelley very , very sweetly – no sarcasm at all – apologizes to Jennice and gives her a hug. She, on the other hand, behaves like her ass is cake. She ain’t all that.

Eddie finally puts down his foot about helping the maids, and Kat is pissed off. Perhaps a little humility when the night before everyone heard you humping Ben?  Kelly and Ben are talking dockside, and Kelley tells Ben how loud and obnoxious they were last night.

This weeks guests will be the return of Beverly who, as Kat says, brought out the Lesbian side of Adrienne, her boss,  last season. Remember Adrienne? She’s the one who makes Kate look like Miss Team Player. Beverly is bringing her family this time and that damn dog again! You know, the one who won’t poop when he’s on walkies? I wonder who’s gonna get stuck with that task this time around?

Prep, prep, prep — if it was me, I would done all that last night and slept in, but not them.

Damn, the dog is back. And the four-legged one, too. One guest appears to have gotten lost on her way to the Honey Boo Boo taping and immediately breaks a glass of champagne. I don’t look like a Honey Boo Boo refugee, but I don’t have the dosh for one of the boat trips. Meanwhile, Honey Boo Boo’s son notice a big ol’ stain on one of the decorative pillows, tells Kate, and Kate tells Kat. Kat feigns surprise. She does surprise like nobody’s business. Ben feigns a “huh?” look.

Amy saw the pillow and tells us that in the “hierarchy of stains, a milky white stain” is the worst. So, everyone now know that Ben and Kat did the nasty, but, even worse, they can’t clean up after themselves.

Ben decides to make a fancy, schmancy, four-course meal, which means dinner won’t be served till after 9. I’d be throwing the chef overboard at this point. Kate tries to pull the ol’ “Maritime law” bit on Ben — yeah, I didn’t know sailors were such girlie girls either — but Ben‘s not buying it.  No rest for the weary or the laid at sea.

On another part of the boat, Jennice is trying to pull the “I’m Mizz Innocent” bit on Kelley, but he’s not buying it. He can see through her b.s. story that she’s making up about anger issues to put it all on Kelley as if she scared of his anger. I’m calling this one for Kelley, because Jennice is a) a ho b) a liar c) a tease. Kelley walks away like a man, while Jennice is left in her ho world fantasy that she is somehow handling him.

In the kitchen, Ben is still taking forever, and it’s at the point were nice, lovely Beverly from last year is telling Ben her hillbilly family is tired of waiting for dinner and to shake a tail feather. Ben doesn’t get it because after all, it’s only appearing to take one hour between courses, and somehow it’s all Kat‘s fault because she’s not there to serve? Yeah, I don’t get that logic either. The same guest who found the stained pillow is now down in the kitchen telling Kate how much they suck.

Like a true ho, Jennice keeps after Kelley because she likes to see him upset but claims she doesn’t want to see him upset and offers to give him a hug. Wait. Isn’t that the kind of behavior that led him on in the first place.

Ben finally realizes the guest are not very happy with the service and decides that Kate must find a new cocktail to give the guests while he’s putzing around with the food. I’m still not sure how the maids are supposed to serve if the food isn’t ready. Kate tells Ben she’s “just kinda of tired of listening to you talk,” to which Ben replies, “All right,you’re sh*t at what you do.”

Kelley is finally tells us what we’re thinking — Jennice is a player. When Kat asks Kelley about it, he says it’s all cool. Then tells Jennice to stop talking to people about it. Seems like the mature thing to me, but Jennice still doesn’t get it. See, Jennice, the difference is on this show, you’re supposed to pretend to be professional, unlike a certain pot-stirring housewife series. Maybe Jennice is inventing a new formula?

Captain Lee pops up, calling Kate and Eddie to the wheelhouse. (I have a wheelhouse for my gerbil. Who knew I was a yachtee?) But, Captain doesn’t talk about the stain or the crappy dinner service, or the fact that Kat seems to have returned to last season’s “I perpetually need a good scrubbing” look. All he wants to tell them is that the guests are going ashore to “Soggy Dollar” — don’t ask me, I’m from Jersey! — and Kat‘s going with them. Well, I’ll alert the media!

Wait, what’s this? Kelley is moving out of his cabin? He’s moving in with Eddie. (Color me stupid, but shouldn’t that have been the plan at the start of the charter? Why would he ever bunk with a woman in the first place? I’m beginnin’ to think the producers planned it that way — or maybe, it’s maritime law?)

Turns out, Soggy Dollar is another bar on shore. Well, there’s a novel idea — let’s leave the booze cruise to go ashore and drink some booze! Kat leads the merry band of hillbilly cruisers while Eddie parks the boat and tells them he’ll swim in. Beverly mentions meeting a friend and — wait! It’s Adrienne from last season!!  “The devil” as Kat calls her because she was always having to tell Kat to do her job and stop drinking. Man, what a beeyatch! Kat starts turning in circles like a dog looking for a good spot to park it, but manages to finally go Adrienne and say “Hi!” in an awkward reality-show kind of way. Eddie does the best move, though – he swims ashore all James Bond-like, strutting up to the bar, spots Adrienne, and doubles back all Jack Black-like back to the water and the safety of the boat! He tells us he was askared, and enumerates the reasons why — “Alcohol, Kat, Adrienne together — Danger!” Final shot, Eddie‘s butt swimming back to the dingy!

I’m not going to tell you about the previews of next week where the hillbilly guests and Adrienne are behaving like porno stand-ins. Next time, mateys!  (See what I did there? Eh?)

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