Below Deck Recap: Mojitos Mo’ Problems [Episode 3]

Well, I’ll eat my camo cap! Guess Kelley is a bona fide USMC all-American, grade A marine after all! Not a cut on him! And, he’s not gay. That’s that there’s anything wrong with that, just noticing that our Kelley did not notice the ultra-cute EMT that took over with such authority when he fell off that swing! (Take note ladies and gents: There’s a bar on some island that has a swing where there’s a hot little EMT! You’ll find it!)

Kat and Ben take the opportunity of feigning concern for Kelley to raid the booze and cheese and salami and crackers. Breath mint anyone? They’re throwing shade at Eddie and Jennice, who are listening to them on the stairs. Eddie decides to bust them but instead gets an earful of #hashtag worthy comments about Andrew. I thought it was Kelley that fell off the swing, but Eddie must be having some sympathy concussion type symptoms – he’s actually defending Andrew! This is a true sign in reality TV that the person will soon be proven wrong! Ah, if they could only see the edits in real time like we do!

Due to producer requirements, Ben and Kat share a room – oops! Cabin —  so we get to see a tender moment later that night where Kat says she really wanted a kiss before. Ben holds true to his girlfriend, and denies her thrice before the cock crows. He tells us he thinks Kat still has a thing for him. I give Ben about two more episodes before he’s the one who still has the thing for Kat. Six weeks. Come on, he’s not holding out six weeks!

The next morning, everyone is up and cleaning again. Dang! I’m so glad I didn’t join the Navy! Who knew a boat could be such a drag? Andrew seems to have been the task of taking something into something boson thing – don’t ask me, I only write this stuff! – but he can’t. Poor dear is all confused. He can’t fold it, he doesn’t know where it goes, and he finally has to ask for help. Then he calls his Mom. He’s having anxiety attacks. I’m wondering how he made it through all that catwalkin’ and Philippinin’ without his Mommy? Cleaning has him flummoxed? Well, we soon learn it’s because he lied on his resume!

NO! Say it ain’t so, Joe! Who woulda thunk? As if no one knows, he tells Captain Lee, who shows surprising restraint by not responding, “No, shite, Sherlock!” Soon everyone knows, because part of his rehabilitation is to tell his whole crew, whom again, for some reason, don’t beat him to the punch.  Eddie feels like a right idiot, and well he should. Unless casting didn’t tell him there was a ringer on board? Jennice reminds us this is a dangerous job and people have been known to poke their eye out! (No, wait, that was from “A Christmas Story.”) Anyhoo, it’s somehow dangerous, like losing fingers and stuff. Ah, no wonder I joined the Air Force.

The guests arrive and seems the ladies decided to bring their own flotation devices in case of emergency. Must have been girl scouts when they were younger. It’s raining, which means they’ll all be buggin’ out on the boat making extra work for the waitres—sorry, “stews.” This how we now find out that Kate, who does mention the ladies and their flotation devices, really is serious about wanting that husband and not wanting to work, as the first signs of true peri-menopausal madness start to appear this week. (Men, take note. This is the age when you dump the wife for a younger model. Watch Kate, take notes – it will serve you well to know the signs.) Kate hates them. She hates their clothes. She hates their love of Mojitos. Hmmm, wonder what kind of tip this will result in? The Love Boat had Julie and it seems that The Ohana has Medea without the cute figure. Kate decides “These guests are not what I would say is elegant.” Oooh, awkward grammar there, Kate. Sounds like someone’s trying to be a little showy in their discourse? ”They’re a little bit gratuitous and showy.” Ouch! There’s just something painful about the way she expresses her thoughts, isn’t there? Ah well, at least she’s got a good six weeks in her before her looks totally fail, and she can’t find that rich husband she’s looking for on the high seas.

Time to make the Mojitos! Seems there’s no mint, so Kate grabs some catnip and artificial mint flavor, mixes it all up with some Sprite – eh, voila! Mojito! Kate delivers her pink (?) Mojitos and tells us that only “terrorists and assholes order Mojitos,” which is by the way a little known fact. Obviously our gal Kate reads the papers because Osama bin Laden was sitting around his bunker sippin’ on a tall, cool Mojito when Seal Team Six went in and took his bendy straw.

Meanwhile, Amy, our Texas pageant girl and sister of Kelley, is killing the guests with kindness, making Kate’s attitude all the more obvious. It seems Kate’s been given the task of ironing a polyester Forever 21 skirt for one of the guests with the “big bazoomkas” – Amy’s term, not mine – and she is not happy about it. Kate has clearly decided that these guests are from a trailer park and won this cruise, and how dare they expect her to be pleasant? Yo, Kate! When I bust my butt all week to afford to go to Taco Bell, hell yeah I wanna a smile with my service, ok?

The next morning, Andrew is getting the silent treatment during breakfast from Eddie, Kelley and Jennice. He notices the treatment which means at least some synapses are firing in the pumpkin on top of his shoulders. (Imagine what would have spilled out if he had fallen off that swing and not Kelley?) He decides to ingratiate himself by stating he’s ready to do all the “bitch work” and that he’s not the man Jennice is, and this somehow does not work. He’s managed to offend Jennice, and then, Kelley, because he’s Jennice’s bitch – ooh, was that bad of me? – and dear Eddie tries to explain to Andrew why he’s such a tool, but methinks it’s a bit of pissin’ up a drain pipe, as Shakespeare would write.

There’s one of those annoying bits in between commercials – annoying because I stop FF’ing through the commercials and get sucked in to watch – where Captain Lee and Eddie find some sort of weird electric toy that belongs to the guests. Eddie get an electric shock from the “toy” and determines they should give to Andrew and tell him to stand in a puddle and hold it. Cut to a shot of Andrew smelling towels. Yes, smelling towels. I’m sure there’s a method to his madness. Anyway, Captain Lee actually laughs! I guess he’s getting paid more this season! “There are some sick people – sick bastards,” he says. Ah, so that’s what’s so funny.

Meanwhile, speaking of commercials – we were, weren’t we? – it seems my Idris Elba commercial has been replaced by a Liam Neeson commercial which is very disappointing. Not only is Liam not cute, but the poor thing has been making the same movie over and over again since Natasha pulled a Sonny Bono while skiing.

Second day of charter and one of the lady guests wants a Harvey Wallbanger for breakfast. I guess she’s a fan of “Mad Men.” The ladies make a point of telling Amy how great she is, and decide that Kate needs to smile more. They decide to tell Kate over and over that she needs to smile. Kate confides in us that she’s not their “circus clown.”  But we later see that Ben is, as he gives the ladies a cooking lesson in conch. He plays it for all it’s worth while Kate hovers about making her contempt for these women     — oh snap! That’s it! Kate is pissed because THEY’RE MARRIED WOMEN!  Meanwhile, Amy’s workin’ hard for that tip bringing cigars and what not to the men.

Kat and Amy are cleaning again, and talking about how Kate isn’t nearly as chipper as the last charter, but Kat being Kat thinks the whole “my ass is cake” attitude from Kate is just fine.

Above deck, Kate is suffering through watching the guests have fun. Life just sucks, doesn’t it? The next morning, we see the carnage – the deck is a mess and Andrew is actually cleaning. The guests come up and he’s still cleaning when Kelley points out that perhaps the guests don’t want to hear his dust buster. Andrew throws the “f” bomb at him. Way to ingratiate yourself there, boy!

Underway, Kelley tells Eddie he’s not going to be able to take Andrew much longer, and Eddie worries the Captain will blame him if he can’t keep this crew together. But, uh, wait – did Eddie cast Andrew or was Andrew thrown on board to annoy Eddie, et al?

Charters over and Kate’s ready to throw the guests overboard, but first, they ask for more Mojitos. Could be the cold light of morning, but they start to catch on that it’s not mint in their drinks, but basil! Kate and Amy b.s. them a bit, and they all drink it anyway, so hey, what the heck?

Anybody wondering what the tip will be like? Well, these clever producers have decided to end the show making us wait till next week to see what kind of tip Kate’s personality brought to the table!  That, and more hints about Andrew being a total “muppet” as Ben would say, and then it’s over. Nada. Zilch. End of show. What they hey?

Till next time, Mateys!

 

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