Anyone wondering who is going to be shoved in the pool this time?
Melissa and Joe Gorga start this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. They discuss the awkward party — otherwise known as Evan Goldschneider’s birthday do-over. It’s Joe G’s birthday. And for some reason, he feels compelled to talk to Teresa tonight at his birthday dinner. He wants to tell her it’s time to step up and make things right with Evan and Jackie Goldschneider. Is this season going to be about 800 ways to ruin birthday parties?
At Jennifer Aydin’s house, her kids are playing by the pool when her sister, Tina, shows up. Jennifer is pretty miserable in the middle of her parents’ feud. Tina wants to take a trip to Turkey and offered to take their father. Jennifer wants him to go see her brother Michael, his wife, and the new baby. But everyone is concerned that Jennifer and Tina’s mom will be upset that she’s not invited.
Dolores Catania brings food to David Principe’s house to have a “relationship talk.” And immediately Dolores is on the phone asking Frank Catania about her kitchen renovation. These two! She’s still telling her ex-husband what to do all these years later.
David’s upset that he built HIS house for Dolores, and now she won’t move into his and is renovating her own. Dolores asks, “Why didn’t we get engaged with the house was done?” and David says, “You’re just too busy with everything else. You are all over the place.” After explaining their sides to each other and not really listening, they make a pact. They decided to spend more time together. But first, she needs to get new keys. In a past argument, she threw all the keys away.
This drinking for Joe Gorga’s birthday has already started. Melissa and Joe meet up with Teresa Giudice, Melissa’s sisters Lysa and Kim, Lysa’s husband, Scott, and Kim’s husband, another Joe. Teresa arrives late and tells the waiter that she wants pineapple. She heard somewhere that pineapple and peaches can make you taste sweet. Even Joe G, the man focused on sex every hour of the day, didn’t really want her to blurt out at his party that she “wants to get her peach kissed.”
Then Melissa says she’s going to talk to their daughter Antonia Gorga about the birds and the bees. Joe G says, “What’s your opening line?” And Melissa says, “You have been dating this boy for a long time, and I would like to know if he touches you.” Joe G completely blows a gasket… or maybe a casket.
Teresa announces that she’s going to have a pool party. Joe wants her to invite Jackie and Evan. Joe wants Teresa to apologize. After Teresa announces that Jackie is a big crybaby, Joe makes that apology his birthday wish, that Teresa apologizes. Then Teresa says she’s going to invite Michelle Pais, her friend whose been talking about Joe G. Teresa isn’t going to list her house for sale with Michelle until Michelle makes it right with Joe G.
Margaret Josephs meets with her ghostwriter, Emily Liebert. Margaret apologizes for the construction mess. Joe Benigno is renovating their home. Margaret says it’s going to slowly. “I got a lot more done when I was the girlfriend.” Emily tells The Marge, that they need to talk through her childhood. And Marge is open about the fact that growing up with Marge Sr., she was over exposed to sexual things that shaped her early adulthood. And from her mom, she learned to compartmentalize.
Marge admits that when she married her ex, Jan, it was about stability. But Marge seemed to struggle against and undermine that stability. She says that when she met Joe B in her 40s, he was very supportive. Marge says, “Joe is probably my first nurturing, healthy, adult relationship that I’ve ever had.” Joe makes her feel safe. Marge does mention that she’s worried about how Joe’s going to handle this book.
Teresa talks on the phone to Joe Giudice, her ex-husband. He tells her that he signed their divorce papers. She continues putting on her makeup and getting dressed for the pool party. She models for him and he says, “You look alright for an old lady.” I miss Joe Giudice. Anyone else?
Everyone’s getting ready for the pool party. Joe G wants to bang one out with Melissa before they leave. The Marge is dressing Joe B with some silly outfit, but he’ll wear it. Dolores is showing Frank her teeny bikini. Jennifer is showing options to her daughter. She calls Bill Aydin and tells him that she’s going to let loose. Uh-oh… foreshadowing. Melissa warns Joe G not to have any “man fights.” You know how well that works.
Jackie was invited, but she tells Melissa that she can take that olive branch and “shove it up her ass.” So Teresa, in true Teresa form, tells Melissa that Jackie should do that to her husband. “Maybe he won’t go cheating.”
Dolores’ new ass makes it’s debut. And Frank is carrying her bag. Priceless. I love Joe G and Frank as the peanut gallery—critiquing everyone as they come in. They are convinced that Margaret dressed Joe B.
Dolores Catania announces that is getting an award for her charitable work for breast cancer. She’s going to have a party afterward at her house.
Everything seems to be building toward this Michelle and her husband, Jonathan Steingraber, meet up with Joe G and Melissa. Joe pulls Jon aside. Jon thinks that he and Joe were partners in the public events surrounding Joe’s book. Jon says that he sold memberships and emceed the event. And Joe says Jon did that to “ride his coattails.” Joe said that “going forward” they were going to split the money, not at that particular event.
Then Michelle is pulled aside by Melissa. Michelle doubles down that it’s true. Joe G owes Jon money. Michelle does apologize for how she said it and where she said it. The men admit that this was a miscommunication. Jon just wants Michelle to be able to sell Teresa’s house. Beef squashed.
Bill shows up, and Jennifer is well on her way. Everyone fawns over Tony the Pool Boy showing up. Joe doesn’t want Tony anywhere near Teresa. The girls invite Tony into the pool to play tequila pong on a floaty. Nothing can go wrong here!
Then the focus is Tequila Jen’s face plant on the concrete. She’s a mess. Bill carries her off. Joe G and Joe B show up to help get Jennifer to the car. She’s passed out before they even close the car door.
Next time, the girls look like they are going on a road trip with Frank the driver. Jennifer drops a bomb that Bill told her, after the boys’ poker night, that Joe B admitted that he heard the rumor, too, about Evan’s alleged cheating. This sets off a firestorm at dinner. And Teresa once again comes after Jackie. Tune in next time for more fireworks!
Kelli Bergheimer is an opinionated redhead, reality tv junkie, and freelance writer for All About the Tea.