On this episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County, we are still stuck at Braunwyn Windham-Burke’s vow renewal ceremony. While Braunwyn and husband, Sean, are celebrating, Shannon Beador is bitching that Kelly Dodd accused her of starting her own water line, which would have put her in direct competition with Kelly’s new business venture.
When Kelly Dodd confronts her, Shannon tries to explain that she’s upset by Kelly’s misunderstanding. Kelly claims that it wouldn’t have bothered her if Shannon did start a water line. But she’s totally lying. Kelly started complaining to her partners last week that Shannon was trying to horn in on her water territory.
Braunwyn is finished taking pictures with her family and joins the women. In the bar area, a buffet is laid out, but no tequila. You’ll remember that tequila is Braunwyn’s trigger. Shannon, not wanting to drink in Braunwyn’s face, slinks back to her bungalow with John and the kids in tow. As she sips her drink, Shannon’s daughter, Adeline, says Braunwyn’s vow renewal was more fun than Shannon and David’s ceremony. Shannon defends herself by saying her ceremony was a surprise, and on top of that, she’d been through a public affair. She cries, as John pats her shoulder in comfort.
At the reception, Kelly Dodd chats with Braunwyn’s grandmother, telling her that men would love to meet Mama Jo. Mama Jo is willing to meet a new man, as long as he’s rich with one foot in the grave. I guess you’re never too old for a sugar daddy. Or great-great granddaddy, as the case might be. But there’s just one glitch: Mama Jo still lives with her ex-husband. What’s she supposed to do with him? Not a problem, Kelly claims. If there’s no legal tie, Mama Jo is open for business!
Shannon Beador is still in her bungalow, fixing her makeup and getting her drink on. She takes a roadie back to the reception, and you can tell that the tequila is working its way through her system.
Kelly chats at the bar with Braunwyn’s mom, Dr. Deb. Deb says the secret to her recent weight loss is a master cleanse and a digital detox, whatever that means. When one of her grandkids picks up a piece of metal from the floor and hands it to Deb, she declares that it must have fallen out of her hair. Kelly looks at the rainbow extensions that are woven into Deb’s mane and asks if she ever washes her hair. Uh, no. It would make the metal rust, obvi! Deb says she may even have some chicken roosting in that nest. Kelly shakes her head and says, “That’s gross.”
Shannon and John arrive at the reception just in time for the speeches. When asked the secret to her twenty-year marriage, Braunwyn says it’s understanding that she and Sean are both flawed and embracing their marriage for what it is and getting rid of preconceived notions about what it should be. The only person buying this bullshit is newbie, Elizabeth Lyn Vargas. She’s actually jealous of Braunwyn and Sean’s marriage and wishes she had that kind of marriage with her estranged husband. Hey, Elizabeth. Offer him threesomes on holidays. That seems to be the real secret.
Emily Simpson greets Shannon, saying she’s been looking for her all night. Shannon slurs that she had to go to the bathroom and decompress. She’s so drunk she can barely string three words together.
Shannon admits she and Braunwyn are still not in a good place. Again, Shannon says she never called Gina’s house “small and sad.” Never! Not in a billion, quadrillion years. Got it?
After making out with boyfriend, Jimmy, Elizabeth joins the women to chat. She tries to bring Jimmy into the group, but he stands next to the wall, refusing to engage. Emily takes this opportunity to ask if Elizabeth is banging it out with her beau or if they’re abstaining. Elizabeth says once the divorce is final, she and Jimmy will be all over each other. Emily believes there’s more to the story. She’s at least getting oral, right?! Elizabeth is annoyed by the intrusive questions, but hey, she’s the one who first put it out there, so questions are inevitable. Furthermore, Elizabeth claims they don’t even make out. Uh huh.
Emily, the attorney, is itching to ask follow up questions. She’s just not buying this no sex business, and I’m right there with her.
A drunk Shannon latches onto two of Braunwyn’s older kids, Rowan and Jacob. She admits that her vow renewal led to divorce, but assures the kids that her own children thought the Burkes ceremony was a lot more fun and joyful. Rowan and Jacob are embarrassed by Shannon’s crazy speech and laugh at her for being shitfaced.
As Shannon heads to the bar for vodka and grapefruit juice, John follows her. He looks down at her, bemused, and asks if she’s all right. No, John. No, she’s not. She’s drunk off her ass, and you’re the one who poured her a roadie!
Shannon pushes her way toward Kelly and tries to make a toast about not having a water line. Kelly says, “Are you drunk?” Shannon denies it and even claims that she never touched the tequila they brought along. Lies! All lies! In her bungalow, Shannon admitted to drinking the tequila in her room so as not to upset Braunwyn.
Shannon believes that Kelly did the wrong thing by letting Braunwyn know she brought tequila, whereas Shannon handed hers off the bellhop and had him discreetly take it to her room. But as Kelly points out, it was less offensive to lug a bottle through the lobby than to show up at the reception drunk.
Kelly says everyone has triggers. Braunwyn may be triggered by tequila, but Kelly is triggered by Givenchy. Shannon proclaims her outfit is Givenchy. Kelly runs her hands up Shannon’s bodice, then flicks her nose. She tried that in Ireland a few seasons ago, and it didn’t end well. But this time, Shannon flick Kelly’s nose. They laugh, and the tension is broken.
The women congregate together in the middle of the room and glance up at the ceiling, noting the mirror. They tease each other about having sex under it. Elizabeth says, “Jimmy’s going to whip out his Mexican penis.” This leads the women to ask more questions about Elizabeth’s relationship, like has she seen Jimmy’s peen. Kelly asks again if they’ve ever had sex. Elizabeth says just once, after she first met him. But when he found out she was married, he cut her off. No more joystick for Elizabeth! But what doesn’t make sense is that Elizabeth says she told him before they had sex. Which totally contradicts what she’d said earlier. No wonder no one believes Elizabeth!
Elizabeth is trying to get a big payday from her ex, so right now, her life’s on hold. Kelly says she didn’t get much out of her marriage, and Gina got even less. But at least she has her kids, and that’s what counts. Elizabeth didn’t even get children out of the deal, and now she regrets giving in to her husband’s childless demands.
Elizabeth wants to freeze her eggs so that she still has the option to be a mom. Jimmy doesn’t want kids, but this time around Elizabeth isn’t letting a man make her decisions for her. If she wants a kid, she’ll have one. Jimmy can sit and swivel!
As the party wraps up, Shannon and Kelly take to the dancefloor. Meanwhile, Braunwyn admits to the women that she’s had tension with her mom. Braunwyn offered to go to therapy with her mom to work out their shit, but Dr. Deb just wanted to take some Molly instead. Sure, that will fix forty-two years of disfunction.
Shannon may have been bitching about Braunwyn for weeks, but now she kisses and hugs her host, promising to be there for whatever she needs. Shannon admits she’s been drinking tequila, but it was just one drink. Braunwyn knows that’s a lie.
Back in Emily’s bungalow, Shane, Emily, and Gina talk about Elizabeth and her befuddling love life. Emily believes Elizabeth is more addicted to money and the lifestyle that goes with it, and that’s why she’s been dragging her feet about the divorce.
John takes Shannon back to their bungalow, plies her with water, and makes her eat. The food is cold, but John insists she needs something on her stomach besides alcohol. She mumbles in Spanish to the maid as she asks if she can eat cheese that’s been sitting out for hours. Well, it’s food. Technically. So, she goes for it.
The next morning, Gina, Braunwyn, and even Emily go to an early AA meeting. Emily wants to better understand Braunwyn and support her.
Later, Shannon is upset that she received an omelet, not the egg white omelet she ordered. John continues to eat his breakfast. When room service brings her scrambled egg whites, they’re not as well done as she would have liked. John, are you maybe getting a clue that Shannon is a little high maintenance?
Elizabeth facetimes her mom. She’s upset that she’s in Palm Springs, so close to the house she built with her ex. It was supposed to be their forever home, with vaulted ceilings and an outdoor waterfall and ten thousand square feet. In a moment of weakness, she reached out to her ex. Apparently, it didn’t go well. She’s still upset about the house. Oh, and her failed marriage.
The women all convene at the pool. Shannon wears her robe and slippers, grabs Elizabeth, and meets Emily and Kelly, who are sipping Bloody Marys. Elizabeth breaks the news that two of Braunwyn’s kids have lice. What?! These women hugged the kids last night.
The ladies read their phones and talk about the statistics of Covid. Kelly is dismissive, and Elizabeth believes it’s a hoax that Big Pharma is taking advantage of by pushing a vaccine. She thinks it will all be over in sixty days.
Elizabeth admits she spent the morning in tears about her upcoming divorce. Sure, she may have been separated for five years, but in thirty days, she’ll be a free woman. She and her ex talk and text all the time, which is confusing to the ladies. He refused to settle, and Elizabeth has been holding out for a better deal. So, why is she still talking to him if he’s being so contentious?
Elizabeth says she texted him earlier that morning, wishing she had never filed for divorce, even though he’s never apologized for cheating or having a baby with another woman. As she reads what she sent to her ex, she begins to cry. She still loves him and says her relationship with Jimmy is based on friendship.
Elizabeth says she has enough money, but she doesn’t want her ex to win. Gina urges Elizabeth to just walk away, because the stress she’s been under will kill her.
The women encourage Elizabeth to move forward, forget her husband and start a new life. Kelly says that all the divorce drama has been exhausting. They think she should start with letting go of the house she built. She’s attached her resentment to material things, and it’s not healthy.
Kelly thinks a good fuck is all Elizabeth needs. That, and a cool dip in the water, which is why Kelly shoves Elizabeth, fully clothed, into the pool. And that’s a wrap.
So, do you think Elizabeth is more attached to her husband or his money? Was Braunwyn’s ceremony more joyful than Shannon and David’s? What are your thoughts on a Vicki-less, Tamra-less season so far?