Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale. The season in which the ladies managed to center an entire show around one fight: whether or not Wild Things star, Denise Richards, dipped into the lady pond with the made-for-TV villain, Brandi Glanville. Denise responds by grabbing the evil Bravo producers by the devil horns, sends out a cease and desist, and mass chaos ensues. The episode wraps with Lisa
Lucifer Rinna and Denise Cease and Desist Richards exchanging lethal glares at one another and leaving their friendship out to grow cold like a plate of pasta on their trip to Rome because YOU KNOW those ladies didn’t actually eat that s***. Let’s get started, shall we?
The episode opens with Sutton Stracke doing Kyle Richards a solid and allowing her to sell her
horrific clothing line in her boutique. Hey maybe, she can run a special on Tuesdays at 5 pm. Instead of calling it “happy hour” they can call it “amateur hour” as Sutton works overtime to move those ugly caftans right on out of her store. Get those rich BH ladies good and liquored up and they’ll buy just about anything. I mean, they do have to wear something while “yacht rocking” right?!
Garcelle Beauvais finally found a producer to bring her script, Split Marriage, to life! Finally — a woman who actually gets it DONE. Kyle, take notes.
Meanwhile, Dorit Kemsley is living in la la land aka Encino, and working hard to plan a Christmas party meant to impress. Thank goodness, she and PK aren’t in the rental, anymore. No, instead, she’s taken a page right out of the VPR kids’ book and bought a tract home. You know the ones, “modern farmhouses” if farmhouses sat perched at the end of suburban cul-de-sacs and not on a piece of land filled with chickens and goats. Chip and Joanna Gaines, I blame you for this.
Lisa Rinna and Teddi Mellencamp sit around a table wearing hats (Teddi of course in her ALL IN pyramid scheme hat) discussing whether or not they believe Denise will actually attend Dorit’s party. Spoiler alert ladies: the answer is no. Too bad, so sad this duo won’t get to enjoy the look on Denise’s face when Big Bird Brandi comes stalking into the party looking for her prey.
The night of said party Garcelle Beauvais and her new beau, Michael, (no, not her ex, a different Michael) head over to pick up Denise where they wait… and they wait… and they wait. Garcelle tries to call Denise several times over but the call goes straight to voicemail. DENIED. New Michael rather astutely points out that can only mean one thing: her phone is off. DUN DUN DUN.
Across town, Lisa Rinna arrives first at the Kemsley Holiday Extravaganza. As soon as she walks through the doors, she’s tackled by PK as he force-feeds her non-alcoholic champagne, his latest and greatest business venture. She politely sips the Welch’s grape juice knock off before heading straight for the bar and ordering a Belvedere. Teddi, however, walks in extra-large puffy sleeves and all and beams ear to ear at the prospect of “drinking” while pregnant. Finally, she CAN sit with the cool girls at the lunch table again.
Kyle Richards arrives with her husband and her bestie, the morally corrupt Faye Resnick in tow. BRAVO, FOR THE LOVE OF BUCCA DI BEPPO, QUIT TRYING TO MAKE FAYE RESNICK HAPPEN. The ladies then all stand around and compare weaves. Riveting conversation going on at this party, I’ll tell ya.
Dorit Kemsley addresses the crowd and thanks them for coming before she’s interrupted by a tiny little terror by the name of Pheonix who demands that her mother and the rest of the party-goers keep it down. Honestly, I’m not mad at it. It must be hard to be locked away in the basement listening to their parent’s party guests trample the floors upstairs while sloshing around their non-alcoholic champagne in their glasses.
Garcelle Beauvais finally arrives at the party after being stood up by Denise. The ladies immediately pounce on her, demanding to know Denise’s whereabouts. How dare Denise not willfully come to this party like a good lamb waiting to be slaughtered?!
Lo and behold, Brandi Glanville finally makes her appearance at the party walking in on the heels of Kim Richards like a pet chihuahua. Dorit’s mouth falls wide open as she immediately looks over at Kyle and grimaces. Kyle responds by saying, “don’t look at me.” Sure, Jan. Dorit flies over and greets Kim before delivering a passive-aggressive dig to Brandi about how she had NO IDEA that SHE was Kim’s plus one.
Brandi takes the dig in stride, as she’s got bigger fish to fry and immediately sets about telling the ladies that she texted her alleged former lady lover to give her a heads up that she would be at the party. According to Brandi she only came because she wants to talk with Denise one-on-one as this is no one else’s business. Now that’s rich. And this is the part where I deliver one of Brandi’s own infamous lines circa season two reunion right back at her: “YOU MADE IT THE WORLD’S BUSINESS.” Remember that one, Brandi?
The party eventually comes to an end with zero fireworks for entertainment as Denise refuses to play by the housewives and producer’s games. Later we learn that Denise served the powers that be a cease and desist letter. Obviously, this is not Denise Richards’ first rodeo. I mean, she was married to Charlie Sheen. HELLO?!
The show and season finally wraps with a highly orchestrated meeting/showdown between Denise and Lisa. After exchanging phony-baloney niceties, they get to work airing out their grievances. In true own-it fashion, Lisa calls Denise out for the cease and desist and her demands that the footage be taken out. FOURTH WALL BE GONE.
Denise delivers a death stare before asking who told her that. Instead of being forthcoming about who divulged the information, Lisa coos, “Oh… you’re so angry.” And there ya have it folks. The two mutually decide to leave their friendship on the proverbial cutting room floor, much like Denise was hoping would happen with the damning footage from this season.
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Tune in as the drama continues on the season ten reunion. I have it on good authority that it’s gonna be GOOD.