This week on the Real Housewives of New York City, we’re celebrating Ramona Singer’s birthday. Her sixty best girlfriends will be in attendance, and the venue will be transformed into a replica of Ramona’s dream living room.
She discusses the upcoming party with Leah McSweeney. Since Ramona is petite and blonde, and all of her sixty girlfriends are petite and blonde, she’s ordered everyone to dress in black. Ramona will be wearing red, so she’ll stand out.
After dragging Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan to Long Island to help plan her party, they felt used. Since she couldn’t ask them to come and see the venue with her (mainly because they won’t be fooled twice) she brings Leah along to oooh and aaah over her birthday plans.
Ramona Singer insists there will be no drama for this party. She doesn’t want to be embarrassed by the Housewives’ antics, because that would be déclassé. She’s given Leah the job of being her protector, to keep the drama away from Ramona and the girls from acting out. Good luck!
Next, we head back to Gray Gardens, where Sonja is inspecting her townhouse and finds a leak in the basement. Her five-year renter (which she tells us earned her a million bucks) is out, and she’s looking for a short-timer to take over.
At Luann de Lesseps apartment, she gives dog, Aston, a bath. She declares that he’s feeling Jovani. Okay, Luann. We get it!
At night, Luann heads to a halfway house called the Fortune Society. She’s going to speak at a meeting for those who’ve been in jail and are now out. Sure, these people have been incarcerated for years, but Luann had the horror of spending one night in county lockup, where the guard threw a bologna sandwich at her head. Because struggle is struggle, am I right?
She meets David, the founder. He seems like a nice man who wants to help people get back on their feet after getting coming out of the system. Sonja shows up to support Luann.
At the start of the program, everyone shares their experiences. Some of these people have decades of jail time under their belt. Luann gets choked up as she listens.
Luann then shares her story with the others. For the first time, Luann seems to take responsibility for her actions. She’s agreed to take the women for a spa day, so they can heal and get back on their feet.
Uptown, Ramona and Avery meet cheater, Mario, for dinner at an Italian restaurant. He struts in, all cocky like he the dick-swinger he’s always been. Though he lives in Florida now, they try to get together every time he’s in town. Ramona is now in a good place with Mario, but it took some time to get there.
Ramona Singer discusses — what else? — her upcoming birthday party. Ten of her bestesty best friends must not have RSVP’d because she’s now down to fifty for her guest list. Avery thinks it’s weird that no men are invited, but Ramona doesn’t have a boyfriend, so she’s keeping it to a ladies only event.
Mario complains that dating sucks. Maybe he shouldn’t have been dating while he was still married? Avery says he’s concentrating on his golf game, not his love life. She makes a toast to her parents. Ramona says she loves Mario, and he says, “Thank you.” Um…not the response she was looking for, bud.
Leah McSweeney and her sister, Sarah, go to the Russian spa. Leah likes to drink beer, watch hairy men, and take a dip in the hot tub. As they soak, they discuss Tinsley Mortimer and her happy new life in Chicago. Leah needs to take a page from Tinsley’s book and find a rich man. She’s been dating broke guys with no prospects, and she’s tired of it.
Leah McSweeney talks about her time with the women in the Berkshires. She had a meaningful convo with Ramona. Because of that conversation, Leah realizes she needs to forge a new relationship with her mom before it’s too late.
But Sarah drops a bomb. Mom admitted she doesn’t like Leah. The two have nothing in common. Leah’s devastated to hear this. Then Sarah continues. Mom thinks Leah’s done too much to her face and looks weird. On top of that, she feels sorry for Keir, Leah’s daughter.
Now, Leah’s angry. So far, she’s only had Botox and lip filler. If she gets her face, tits, and vadge done, that’s her business. The plan to get closer to her mom just imploded. Way to stir the pot, Sarah! Leah now wants to confront her mom, and I don’t blame her. It’s no wonder Leah has mommy issues.
The day of Ramona’s party has arrived. Her “coming out” party. Whatever that means. When she sees the decorated room, she breaks down in tears.
The women are getting ready for the big night. Leah will get ready at Dorinda’s apartment, and Sonja is back in her townhouse, complaining that she doled out twelve hundred bucks on the water leak. The elevator is still broken, and she pays fifty-thousand a month for her ramshackle money pit.
Leah and Dorinda discuss the latest gossip involving Sonja. She was kicked out of a gay bar in Philly. Dorinda and Luann tagged along as Sonja stopped by Wharton to discuss her halcyon when she was a young model. She went over her toaster oven pipe dream, too. When Luann and Dorinda trekked back to NYC, Sonja remained in Philly to party. And got thrown out of a bar after she sang “Hello Dolly.”
Sonja Morgan is now in the townhouse, rambling to the carpet man and her latest intern about redoing the place. She wants disposable oriental rugs, so she can throw them out after the renters leave. She envisions everything white, bright, and brassy. Because that’s what renters want. She’s throwing it together so she can snag a new sucker.
But she’s in over her head. The toilet keeps running. There are leaks everywhere. The potential renters think her taste could best be described as “old lady.” She’s stressed and broke and in need of money.
Over at Dorinda’s, Elyse Slaine arrives. She took Ramona to lunch the day before and insists that when Ramona isn’t surrounded by the other Housewives, everything’s fine.
Leah’s tired of Ramona acting like her mom. Ramona even dictated what Leah should wear—something that won’t reveal Leah’s tits. Because of that, Elyse thinks Leah should wear the most revealing thing she can get her hands on. Dorinda has just the outfit! She brings out a pair of leopard print tap pants and a strappy black bra.
They talk about Ramona’s bad behavior, and Elyse gives her old pal a pass. It’s only when she’s surrounded by men that she ignores her friends. Elyse thinks Ramona acts badly out of fear. Fear of what? Well, that’s the question. Dorinda thinks Elyse has swallowed the Kool-Aid. Ramona treats Elyse like shit because Elyse keeps making excuses for Ramona’s behavior.
Then Dorinda changes into one of her costumes. She saunters into the living room wearing a short dress, big fake titties, and a bodice that shows them off. Leah laughs like a maniac and urges Dorinda to actually wear the dress to Ramona’s party. (She doesn’t, but that would have been amazing.)
At the party, Ramona arrives in a ponytail and a pinkish-reddish dress. Her sister, Tanya, is in tow. There’s a licorice ladder set inside a British phone booth. (???) They belly up to the bar and share a toast to never act their age.
Sonja Morgan stops to pick up Luann and complains that the party is downtown. Everyone lives uptown. Why does Ramona have to act cool and hip? It’s such a slog of a drive! Sonja’s still bitter she wasn’t invited to Ramona’s party last year. Ramona met these fifty friends of hers through Sonja, and to be excluded was a slap in the face. Sonja’s tired of Ramona flaunting her social friends like they’re her besties.
The producers keep a tally of Ramona’s gaggle of pals as they arrive. Avery steps in with her own squad, and she thinks the setup is awesome.
When Lu and Sonja step inside the party, Sonja realizes everyone can see the tag hanging off her faux fur jacket. How embarrassing. She doesn’t want everyone to know her intern will be returning it the next day, so she cuts it off.
Ramona Singer is chatting with model, Carol Alt, when Lu approaches. Though Ramona specified that the guests should wear black, Lu is wearing burgundy. Ramona immediately chides the Countess for not adhering to the rules. Sonja isn’t wearing black either. She’s opted for a silver and blue dress that pushes her boobs up to her newly tightened chin.
Leah arrives dressed in a see-through dress. But at least her girls are covered.
The friend tally is still going. We’re up to number thirty-two. Leah stands by Ramona, ready to greet the birthday girl, but Ramona ignores her. Leah finally gives up and heads for the bar.
Dorinda comes in. Sonja and Dorinda start bitching that Ramona reposted a birthday message on her own Facebook page, and the photo that didn’t include the other women. They now feel slighted.
Have they just met Ramona? She’s always like this: self-centered, with her head up her own ass. Hello!
Sonja has a real bee in her bonnet about Ramona and this party. When Leah describes now Ramona ignored her, Sonja becomes even more vocal.
Once Ramona finally acknowledges Leah, she admits the younger woman looks hot. But she wonders if Leah is naked beneath the dress. If she is, it’s okay because there are no men in attendance. If there were, it would be a different story.
Ramona, Dorinda, and Luann discuss Sonja’s latest fall from grace. Lu’s worried that Sonja’s drinking is getting out of control again. Sonja finally greets Ramona, who’s not upset that Sonja is wearing a disco ball disguised as a dress. She says they should both shine!
The women stand in a group and chat. Dorinda suggests they go to Mexico before the holidays. We see a delightful flashback of Luann falling ass first into a bush. Ah, good times. Ramona warns Leah not to throw tiki torches in Mexico.
Leah is tired of Ramona riding her. But I think her irritation comes from her own mom, and she’s projecting her anger onto Ramona. She almost admits as much.
Ramona makes a speech, thanking all of her friends. She gives them props for pulling out of a funk after she sold her apartment.
Dorinda and Sonja sit on the sofa and have a talk. They’ve gotten closer than ever this year. Dorinda is worried that Sonja is going through something. Sonja doesn’t want to call and complain about the townhouse and how stressed she is about the remodel. Dorinda says bring it on. She’ll be Sonja’s raft in the turbulent waves of life. Aww.
Luann joins the pair. She admits she’s worried about Sonja, too. Dorinda wants to help Sonja, but if she doesn’t tell the girls what’s going on, there’s nothing they can do for her.
As Sonja breaks down in tears, Ramona opens her presents. She gloats as she shows off a new handbag her special friends bought for her. When she struts over to Sonja and company, she doesn’t get the adulation she expected. Instead, Sonja tells Ramona to get the f*ck out and take her bag with her. They’re in the middle of a serious discussion here.
Ramona tosses the bag aside and sits. She tries to pull up Sonja’s bodice so her areola isn’t showing. But Sonja doesn’t care about that. She insists Ramona’s new Gucci purse is ugly. Luann agrees. A green handbag? Come on!
Ramona doesn’t know why Sonja is so angry. She’s thrown two parties for Sonja’s birthday in the past. As Sonja continues to complain, Ramona wanders off.
After her meltdown, Sonja wants to dance. So, she yells at the band to play, then she rubs her ass against the bar.
Leah climbs on Luann and gives her a lap dance. Dorinda starts grinding on Leah’s ass. Then Elyse gets into the spirit and bumps against Dorinda. It’s like a post-menopausal lady train, and Ramona isn’t happy to see it go down. This is supposed to be a classy event. There’s a licorice phone booth, people!
Ramona tries to pull Leah off Luann’s lap. She acts shocked to see the women dance up on each other. Leah looks like a stripper, and Ramona’s not having it! She yells at production to shut down.
Leah screams that Ramona is being psychotic. Sonja, now drunk as well as angry, hops up on an ottoman and stomps on a mirror, shattering it with her high heels. She pulls an oversized ivory leaf from a huge vase and puts it on her head, wearing it as a hat.
Ramona is furious. She’s demanding the producers to stop filming. These women are ruining her coming out party.
And that’s our episode. So, do you think Ramona had a right to be angry? Was Leah wrong to grind on Luann? Were you touched by Luann’s speech at the halfway house? I know a lot of you haven’t been happy with this season. Sound off in the comments!
I’m a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.