When last we left our Real Housewives of New York City, the women were in the middle of another weekend from hell in the Berkshires. Sonja Morgan was having a meltdown after Luann de Lesseps kicked her off the Marry, F*ck, or Kill cabaret show. Sonja dared ask for money in exchange for performing with Luann, and Luann went full blown Countess as she threw a fit, calling Sonja worthless.
What will this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City bring? More insanity, never fear!
It’s now time for dinner and Ramona Singer steps into the hallway, skirting the shark that used to reside in Luann’s room. Dorinda Medley has changed into a sparkly disco outfit with knee high boots, and Ramona leads Ben the delivery guy to the kitchen, all the while telling him how sloppy she is. And a glutton, too!
Sonja Morgan saunters into the kitchen and talks to Lu about their argument. In the dining room, Dorinda Medley and Ramona discuss the situation, too. Dorinda thinks Sonja should stand up to Luann, and Ramona thinks Sonja should headline her own show. (I’d love to see that, btw. Sonja giving the Countess a run for her money in the crazy biz called cabaret.)
As Ramona Singer is expounding on how Sonja Morgan used to do her own take on the genre and call it cabralesque, Lu walks in and stares at Ramona, assuring her she’s overheard every word. The look on Ramona’s guilty face is hysterical. She’s been caught gossiping, and she can’t zip her lip fast enough.
Luann de Lesseps proclaims she’s a major cabaret star. Cabralesque did isn’t the same thing at all. Dorinda stands and attempts to put Luann in her place, saying she’s being mean to Sonja.
By now, Sonja Morgan is now trying to drunkenly suck up to Luann and get back in the Countess’s good graces. Luann points out the show is about her, darling. No one else. It’s called Countess and Friends for a reason, Sonja!
As Luann de Lesseps’ ego continues to spiral out of control, Sonja yells at Lu to shut up, but Lu keeps talking. She tells Sonja to go show her boobs and ass somewhere else, because they’re no longer welcome on Luann’s prestigious stage.
Luann remains in the kitchen, complaining to Dorinda’s housekeeper, Len, about how successful she is. She doesn’t need Sonja’s exhibitionist tendencies on her stage. Luann can carry the show on her own. Len tells Lu to eat already.
Sonja is so shitfaced, she’s piling noodles into her gob while yelling that Luann disrespected her. Sonja doesn’t want to be in the show without getting paid? Fine. She’s out. But Ramona and Dorinda both stand up to Luann, saying Sonja just wants to be compensated for her performances. No way, Lu says. She’s not paying Ms. Morgan a dime.
Dorinda Medley screams at Luann. Who was Lu’s staunchest supporter during her trouble with the law? Sonja. And this is how the Countess shows gratitude?
Everyone is wasted at this point. And as Lu and Dorinda stand on opposite sides of the table and scream at each other, Ramona reminds us that Luann is making a ton of cash from these shows. Sonja is helping her out, so why not throw a little bank in Sonja’s direction? After all, Sonja could use the money.
When Lu tries to shut Dorinda down, Dorinda calls her friend a fool and brings up the drunken mugshot. Uh oh! Them’s fighting words, Dorinda. You know Lu won’t take that lying down.
Leah McSweeney doesn’t approve. She has a mugshot, too, you’ll remember. And as Leah points out, all these ladies are one drink away from getting locked up.
Luann angrily leaves the dining room and storms down the hallway. In the fish room, she packs her things and sobs.
Sonja is glad her hostess stood up for her, but Ramona follows Dorinda to the kitchen and watches as Dorinda pours herself yet another drink. Dorinda isn’t in the mood to apologize to Luann. She feels protective over Sonja. Dorinda also thinks Luann uses her friends, like taking Dorinda’s Jovani heckling and turning it into a song.
When Lu stumbles back down the stairs with her suitcase, Dorinda starts singing the song and follows Lu to the door, knocking it back as Lu tries to slam it shut.
Leah now trots into the foyer and tries to talk Luann out of leaving. Dorinda is spitting (literally) insults at Luann, who leaves the house to stand in the drive, crying her eyes out. Leah follows Lu and asks her to stay. Leah hugs her in support and calls for Ramona. When Leah offers to go with Lu to a pub, they have a new plan.
Dorinda is angry and stomps off to her room, shutting out the camera crew, while the rest of the women remain in the dining room. As Sonja tries to stand from the table, she falls on her ass, taking a chair with her.
Leah heads back inside and tells the women what’s going on with Luann. Ramona, who’s now sitting on Sonja’s lap, tries to extricate herself. Sonja is left at the table with Elyse. Yeah. Elyse is still at the house, and she has far less personality than one of Dorinda’s Christmas trees.
Ramona is willing to go along for the ride with Leah and Luann. She tries to explain that Dorinda didn’t mean the hurtful things she said. She was just drunk. Luann doesn’t want to hear it.
The next morning, Dorinda and Ramona meet up in the kitchen. Dorinda now feels bad for getting involved in Sonja’s fight with Luann. Does she remember all the details? Not really.
Elyse Slaine climbs into bed with Sonja and they discuss the previous night. Leah joins them and tells them about her time at the pub. Lu might have been sobbing in the driveway, but once she hit the bar, her good mood returned. She was dancing and drinking. She tried to sing, but the powers that be shut her down.
Leah tells the women the pub was filled with old, old men. Sonja’s now sad she missed out. She loves old men!
Dorinda calls Luann, who spent the night in a hotel. They say they love each other, and Dorinda apologizes. What was the cause of the argument — too much wine? Or too much truth? Maybe both. Luann decides to forgive Dorinda and promises to meet up for a day of shopping.
Sonja, Leah, and Elyse come down to the kitchen. Dorinda says she’s made up with Luann already.
Sonja believes Dorinda has anger issues, but she understands Dorinda is sad and alone. They went to the graveyard to visit Richard the day before, and since Sonja is still yearning for her ex, she understands loss and lashing out because of it.
The women have breakfast and decide Leah was the best behaved so far. That’s a first.
Later, they climb into cars and head into town. Lu hops into Leah and Ramona’s car. She’s wearing oversized green glasses that she bought in the gift shop, and though she looks good, she’s still stinging from the night before.
When Luann and Sonja meet they hug each other. All seems to be forgiven as the ladies step into a boutique. Lu tells Sonja that she travels with a huge team. The bigger the venue, the more money she has to shell out. How can she pay Sonja on top of all that? They decide Sonja will join Lu on stage after all, and they let go of the animosity from the night before.
Leah tells everyone that she and Lu made out at the pub. That’s news to all the women — including Luann. I would have loved to have seen some footage of the trio at the pub.
Next up is the wine and cheese shop. The women nibble their way through the cheese selection. Dorinda tells us she’s roped her old friend, Colin Cowie, into cook dinner later that night. Sonja knows Colin because she had sex on his bathroom vanity one night. With his roommate.
Sonja asks where the cheese is from. Burgundy, France — and that’s where her old “boyfriend” Frenchie now lives. Sonja says Frenchie would love for her to move to France with him. His friends are either royalty or from the upper echelons of French society.
Hey, Leah’s dated royalty! She even peed on her prince. It was in a hot shower. She had to go, people. What was she supposed to do, hold it?
Luann saunters up and throws in that she, too, has dated a prince. But, sadly, she’s never taken a whiz on one. These women!
As the ladies head back to Blue Stone Manor, they can’t wait to get a drink. Dorinda spends the afternoon setting the table, and upstairs, Ramona is trying to unclog the toilet. As for Sonja, she’s in another bathroom chin deep in a bubble bath.
Leah steps into Ramona’s room. Ramona confesses that her toilet won’t flush. There’s a little poop floating around in there, so Leah goes and gets her hostess. Now, Dorinda and Ramona stand nose to nose and kind of seductively talk about Ramona’s bowel movements. It’s weird, I’m not going to lie. Ultimately, they don’t fix the toilet.
As Lu and Ramona get ready for dinner, Ramona tries to blow into a breathalyzer she bought. But her lungs aren’t cutting it, so Luann blows long and hard, declaring herself a good blower. We always knew that about you, Luann!
Dorinda’s sister, Melinda, shows up with a bottle of wine as Dorinda talks to Colin in the kitchen. Then Lu finally descends the steps and joins the party. Leah is texting the bartender from last night, because she’s “desperate for d*ck.” Colin joins the ladies, and Leah asks if her bartender friend can stop by later. Of course! He works at the Red Lion, where Dorinda used to work when she was a teenager.
Sonja comes down without a bra. Len, the housekeeper, tells her the girls look good and not to worry.
Heather Thomson and her husband, Jon, show up. Ramona and Luann greet Heather warmly. Heather and Ramona compliment Luann’s show and her success as a cabaret star.
Everyone finally settles in the dining room to eat Colin’s fab creations. Elyse is half way drunk by the time he unveils the rack of lamb. She tells us her alter ego is Erica. Erica’s a party girl. Okay, Elyse. Whatever you say.
Ramona complains that she doesn’t like dating sites. She’s got a social network, and social entrée, and is part of the top one percent. She needs a man who can keep up with that. Ramona sure doesn’t have a self-esteem problem, does she?
Dorinda makes a toast to Leah. She loves the new girl, especially now that Tinsley Mortimer is out of the way. Leah is so appreciative of her toast she proclaims she’s the only woman in the room who still gets her period. Then she twirls and lifts her skirt over her hips.
Elyse is so drunk that she goes to Leah and makes out with her. But Leah is more interested in her bartender, who’s “into casual living.”
In the dining room, Ramona is blowing into her breathalyzer. Yep, she’s smashed. As for Leah, she hops on Lu’s lap and lifts her skirt again.
The bartender shows up. Dorinda bonds with him as a fellow Red Lion server. She corners him and gives him her ancestral history as one of the Berksherites. Poor guy looks bored silly.
Luann makes a toast to Dorinda. And while the two have a heart to heart, Leah slinks off to the dining room with her bartender.
The women spend the rest of the night dancing in the living room. Even Len and Melinda get into the groove.
So, that’s our episode. Do you think Lu forgave Dorinda too fast? Was Lu too harsh with Sonja? And were you glad to see Heather again?
I’m a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.