Finally Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is back. It’s really back! After a month-long hiatus Bravo finally took pity on us and threw us a bone. HALLELUJAH. Unfortunately, even the editors of the show couldn’t slice and dice the footage enough to deliver us anything other than the ladies hashing it out over the same stupid fight that started eight episodes ago. You know the one.
The fight where the ladies all gang up on Denise Richards for supposedly slighting their mothering skills because she took issue with them discussing threesomes in front of her daughters. UGH. I think I even lost a few brain cells just typing that last sentence. But I digress… let’s get ALL THE WAY into it, shall we?
The show picks back up where it left off with Denise Richards and her husband Aaron making a dramatic exit from Kyle Richards’ wholesome family barbecue. Once again, we are privy to watching Aaron grit his teeth and threaten to crush Denise’s hand for telling him what to do.
Lisa Rinna immediately springs into action and chases them out into the driveway barefoot, all in the name of inserting herself smack dab in the middle of the drama. But the jokes on her as Denise Richards promptly shuts her down. “As your friend, I want to talk to you privately because you hurt my feelings in Santa Barbara.”
But Denise Richards loses us all when she launches into a tirade about how Aaron “deals with cancer all day.” Presumably in the job that has resulted in Big Pharma hot on their trail? Not really sure what that has to do with him aggressively mansplaining to her friends but okay. Strangely enough, Denise and Aaron then casually announce they have plans to get a steak and hit up the nearest strip joint. Hey, we all have our ways of decompressing, I suppose.
Lisa Rinna then scurries back into the house to report back that the couple is en route to the nearest steakhouse/strip joint combo. The rest of the ladies all let out collective gasps and then immediately draw the conclusion that Denise MUST be a hypocrite since she got mad at them for the threesome talk.
Kyle Richards’ wholesome family barbecue wraps with the ladies climbing the pole inside the glamorous tent she rented for the occasion. Kyle breaks out her signature party splits and, not to be outdone, Lisa starts pulling out moves that even seasoned exotic dancers have a hard time mastering. Where are the kids you ask? Outside with pregnant Teddi Mellencamp and her equally boring husband Edwin, of course. Threesome talk is okay but don’t you dare start climbing makeshift stripper poles in front of the kids.
The next day Lisa pops into Sutton Stracke’s boutique and gets to work trying on one of Sutton’s $4100 gowns. She then promptly wears it outside and turns the sidewalk into a runway. Make no mistake about it, no one loves Lisa more than Lisa loves Lisa.
Meanwhile, Dorit Kemsley is meeting with her closet design team to discuss the logistics of how she’s going to fit 229 pairs of shoes in a closet that only holds 226 pairs. Whatever will she do? Luckily, Dorit is a master when it comes to problem-solving. She makes the executive decision to get rid of exactly four pairs of shoes. I’ll let you do the math on that one… Next up, handbags. That’s when Dorit comes to the realization that she may have to move houses once more. After all, according to the team’s calculations, Dorit can only fit 58 Birkin bags in the closet as it stands. CAN YOU IMAGINE? This is the part that I wish one of the members of the design team had simply stolen a page right out of Kourtney Kardashian’s book and responded with, “Dorit, there are people that are dying.”
Across town, Kyle Richards is driving her infamous sister Kim Richards to a reconstructive breast surgery consultation. Turns out one of Kim’s implants simply deflated. According to her surgeon, breast implants are like tires on your car. “Just like a tire on your car. It just goes flat,” explained the surgeon. Meanwhile, an anxiety-ridden Kyle is sitting in the corner rocking herself back and forth. Later in her talking head, she confesses that after losing her mother to breast cancer, doctor’s appointments and trips to the hospital do a number on her nerves. Luckily, on the day of the procedure, Kim’s surgery goes exceptionally well and Kyle can move on to being anxious about something else. Good riddance.
On the contrary, Garcelle Beauvais is as cool as a cucumber as she moves into the dream home she just built for herself. She immediately puts her boys to work carrying in boxes from the moving truck. When they give her lip about the chores she reminds them that they’re “lucky” to be living there. She then whispers to her assistant that she has a date coming up. Why so secretive about it? According to Garcelle, she doesn’t want to spring too much change on the boys. “Being a single mom, I don’t want too many changes in their lives. I feel like they’ve had enough. So I really wanna only introduce them to someone who I think is going to be around for a bit.” She then adds, “I don’t want them to think their mom is a ho.” Fair enough, I suppose.
Finally, it’s the night of Sutton Stracke’s trunk show aka where all the action happens. At first, everything seems hunky-dory as the ladies collectively ooh and ahh over the baubles that Sutton has on display. But of course, it wouldn’t be an episode of Housewives if all hell didn’t break loose at a glamorous event.
Once again, it appears that Denise and Aaron have mastered the art of being the last one in and the first one out. Denise and Aaron arrive and exchange niceties with the other ladies. Kyle then launches into the whole “I feel bad that you left my party” bit to which Denise matter of factly responds, “Ahh, you left my party so it’s all good,” before she immediately excuses herself to the ladies room. That’s when the real trouble starts. Kyle is like a dog with a bone as she goes on to say that she wants for Denise to get back from the restroom before she brings up the dramatic way the couple left her barbecue as she, in fact, brings up the dramatic way the couple left her barbecue.
Erika Girardi wastes no time, though, as she calls out Aaron for letting them have it at the barbecue and insinuating that they were all bad people. Aaron remains calm but underneath his icy exterior, it’s obvious he is seething with anger. He then doubles down and asks Erika if she can look in the mirror at herself. SHOTS FIRED. SHOTS FIRED.
Of course, Teddi Mellencamp seizes the opportunity to put in her two cents as she tells Aaron that he belittled them. She then takes it one step further when she accuses Aaron of pretending to be the “moral high-ground” in the group. This doesn’t sit well with Aaron as he challenges Teddi, “Moral high-ground? Moral high-ground? Do you really wanna go there?”
Denise Richards makes her way back to the group just in the nick of time to try and defuse the situation before they she has another round of her husband going off on all of the ladies. Like clockwork, the couple storms off, and like clockwork, a Housewife chases them down out of the party. DEJAVU. This time, however, it’s Dorit instead of Lisa. Dorit gets nowhere when Denise says she refuses to make a public scene as she gestures at the “paparazzi.” Dorit looks around confused as there is quite literally zero paparazzi on the street. Hey, maybe they’re hiding in the vans with the Big Pharma peeps.
Will the threesome drama end here or will we inevitably be subjected to yet another party of Denise and Aaron being confronted with the same argument only to scurry out of the event like a couple of field mice? Tune in next week to find out!