So far this season on the Real Housewives of New York City, we’ve seen tiki torches thrown across the lawn, sex toys places in leftover chicken platters, drunken bowling, and women squatting to pee in cornfields — so what else could possibly happen? Assault by ravioli, of course!
Our ladies are still in Newport and drinking Bloody Marys. Elyse Slain is attacking Leah McSweeney for her drunken antics from the night before. But as Dorinda Medley and Tinsley Mortimer keep saying, she was in a safe space. I’m not sure how safe it was for everyone else, but whatevs.
The women are now ready for lunch. Sarah, Leah’s sister joins the group. Despite Ramona Singer’s ambivalence about allowing Leah’s sister to butt into the trip, the women are polite and welcoming. Except for Sonja Morgan, who hardly acknowledges Sarah.
Sarah lives in Brooklyn, which delights Dorinda Medley. After all, Brooklyn has the best bagels and the best macaroons ever!
After lunch, Sarah, Leah, and Tinsley take selfies. Tinsley admits to making out with her sister. As a joke, though. Don’t get it twisted. Even Leah is disturbed by that bit of sibcest.
As the sun descends, the ladies get ready for dinner. Dorinda Medley stops by Luann de Lesseps’ cottage. Dorinda admits to drinking alone all afternoon, which worries Luann. We find out why Dorinda is so upset. She spoke with John earlier in the afternoon. She wants him to leave her alone, but she feels guilty for it. When she doesn’t speak to him, she’s fine. But when they make contact, she realizes she’s alone again, and that’s hard for her. Luann sweetly comforts her pal, and they share a glass of wine to numb the pain.
The women meet at the restaurant for…you guessed it…oysters. Because Leah McSweeney can’t get enough of the slimy mollusks. Though their table is ready, Ramona needs to check out the men at the bar, leaving Elyse sitting by herself.
Ramona Singer finds a man wearing shorts and interrogates him about where he’s from (Arkansas) and why he’s wearing shorts (because he took an impromptu road trip from the Carolinas). Elyse does an impression of Ramona that is spot on, flipping her hair, asking to feel up a dude and touch his muscles. Ramona is on the prowl. Rowr!
The other women stand around, ready to eat. But Ramona Singer must finish flirting. Tinsley’s theory is that Ramona has to prove to herself and the group that she’s still attractive to men, even if it means ignoring her friends. Arkansas is in national security and claims to have a black belt. Ramona asks if he also is carrying a weapon. I’m not sure if she’s talking about a gun or his love wand. Either way, he’s off the market because he’s engaged.
The other women wander to the table. But Ramona Singer, Luann, and Sonja remain at the bar, scoping out the local talent. When the waiter arrives, Dorinda introduces herself and asks him to bring a mass of apps.
Tinsley Mortimer is embarrassed by the cougar behavior. This restaurant belongs to her friend, and she wants the women to act like civilized human beings. Um, has she met this crew? Anyway, Tinsley attempts to wrangle the women away from the bar. But Sonja is drunk and completely ignores her. In a thesbian move, Luann and Sonja tongue kiss as they suck on the same olive in an effort to appear sexy, while Tinsley chastises them. Oh, Tinsley. When will you ever learn?
Once Tinsley Mortimer goes back to her seat, Ramona and Sonja mock her. At the table, Dorinda talks to Elyse about what true love feels like.
In an attempt to get the other women to dinner, Leah unbuttons her blouse, grabs Sarah, and heads to the bar. She plans to titmatize Arkansas, putting a stop to Ramona and Sonja’s flirting. When Sarah asks Arkansas if she’s married, he admits he’s engaged. What would his fiancée think of this situation, him flirting with three women of a certain age? Arkansas tells her the situation is her fucking problem, not his and stomps off. Yikes!
Sarah finds it rude the women are ignoring her on her one night out. Luann finally agrees to go sit down. Ramona and Sonja follow, but they aren’t happy bunnies. Ramona is incensed that Leah and Sarah have chased Arkansas away from the bar. How dare they impinge on her flirting?!
Poor Elyse has been listening to Dorinda wax on about her relationship with John for a while now. According to Dorinda, sex isn’t important, well, it is, but not that important. (When I think about John naked, it wouldn’t be important to me, either.) Ramona and Sonja are still whining about being corralled from the bar. And Elyse says they’re geriatric Girls Gone Wild, which may be the most apt description yet.
Tinsley Mortimer set up this dinner, and she feels as disrespected as Ramona did the night before, when Leah went batshit crazy after too much vodka. Sonja sits at the end of the table, screaming out her complaints. Luann begs for everyone to calm the hell down.
Ramona Singer isn’t interested in getting to know Sarah, either. She’s guilty by her association with Leah. Then Ramona takes the Indian corn from the center of the table and starts strangling herself with it. Whew! These ladies shouldn’t be unleashed on the public, but boy, I’m glad they are.
Dorinda’s had enough of the bickering. There’s a Ghost Hunters episode waiting, and she can order room service, so she leaves. Meanwhile, Tinsley is screeching that Ramona’s rude. Sonja is yelling about losing out on dick and covers her ears with ornamental gourds. And Ramona covers her ears too, scrunches her eyes closed, and screams for quiet. Luann is determined to get through the night with a modicum of dignity and asks politely if anyone would care for some shrimp. A man wearing a blazer with a sweater thrown over his shoulders looks on in horror as he sips his martini. Basically, it’s mayhem.
Ramona Singer and Sonja complain that Sarah is a weird demon. Luann wants to call it a night. If these women can’t behave, they should head back to the hotel. But Leah is now pissed. You can fuck with her, but you don’t come for Sarah. She hurls a ravioli at Ramona and storms out of the restaurant. Ramona and Sonja are covered with Italian spices and possibly delicious ricotta cheese. Ramona says Leah won’t get an invite to her upcoming birthday party after that little tantrum. So there!
Leah has no remorse, but Luann is shocked, shocked that someone would throw food. She does what any classy countess would do, she lights the corn husk on fire and waves it around like a sage stick to dispel any bad mojo.
Outside the restaurant, Leah and Tinsley make out until they stumble into the bushes.
The next morning, Dorinda stops by Luann’s cottage once more. Ramona’s place is a mess. Her unpacked clothes are strewn all over the room. And Sarah is sorry she wasted her time coming to Rhode Island when the women basically ignored her.
Leah McSweeney’s not proud of her behavior. How can she relate to these women after tossing appetizers?
Dorinda likes Leah, but the younger woman needs to calm it down a bit. Luann tells Dorinda about the ravioli situation, and says Leah gets too aggressive.
Elyse stops by to chat with Ramona and Sonja. If Leah wants to continue to be around this group, Ramona says she’ll have to learn some decorum. Oh, the irony! Elyse doesn’t excuse Leah’s behavior, but she thinks Ramona and Sonja picked on Leah all weekend. They’ve said things that have hurt the younger woman’s feelings. Elyse confesses that it’s hard to break into this group when they’re all together, and she’s known them for decades.
Sarah thinks the ladies were passive, and Leah was aggressor. They were simply rude, but Leah got physical. With a ravioli. Therefore, she must be the bigger, better person and issue an apology.
Luann and Dorinda decide they need to play mediator with the two groups. Elyse feels the same way. But Sonja says Leah is a timebomb, and she doesn’t know what will make Leah explode. The hypocrisy and delusion are high with these people. They gloss over their own bad behavior, while holding others accountable for the same actions. I’ve come to expect nothing less.
Back in New York, Luann has lunch with her producer, Ben, to discuss her upcoming cabaret show. Lu responsibly orders a Diet Coke. He tells her she’s putting cabaret back on the map, and she eats it up faster than the seafood platter. Her new show, Marry, Fuck, Kill will include more audience participation. Of course, she’ll sing her classic songs and bring Sonja on stage, too.
Since Leah broke her booze fast, her mom has been ghosting her. But now, Leah and her parents meet up for lunch. Leah still looks from approval from her mom, but she also realizes it’s a losing game.
Her dad claims he can’t drink much in the middle of the day. Just an Old Fashioned and maybe a couple glasses of wine. Leah’s eyes bug out of her head. That’s a lot of liquor. He blinks innocently. “It is?” Her dad has GERD and needs to be careful about acid and booze. He complains about it as he sips his cocktail.
Leah McSweeney admits to her parents that she misbehaved in Newport. She drank too much and did cartwheels across the lawn. Her mom wants Leah to stop drinking altogether. It brings back all those bad memories from Leah’s crazy teenage years.
It’s now time for a tea party on the rooftop of Dorinda’s building. She and Luann are preparing a Relax, Relate, Reset tea. She didn’t feel good about the way the women related to each other in Newport. By throwing a tea party, there will be no booze to screw up the day.
Everyone arrives wearing hats or fascinators. There are tea cakes and scones — catered, natch.
Leah apologizes to Ramona, who accuses Leah of ruining the weekend. Ramona wants to put the past behind them. But make no mistake, Leah isn’t apologizing for who she is, but rather what she did.
Dorinda Medley points out that all these women have acted badly in the past. We see many, many flashbacks of the women acting like crazy, drunken nutballs, including Luann’s arrest and Ramona throwing a glass at Kristin, which resulted in a cut lip. Ramona decides to forgive. Leah tears up and says her mother issues are coming to the fore in her relationship with Ramona.
Tinsley shows up last. This is when Dorinda says she’s invoking the British custom of changing seats to sit by someone new. She snags a place next to Tinsley and says they need to have a private chat.
Dorinda Medley, who apparently plays Sherlock Holmes in her spare time, knows for a fact that Tins was in Niagara Falls with Scott recently. Either Tinsley tells the women she’s back with him or Dorinda will. Why can’t Tinsley just come clean already?! Tinsley says they spent two days together. That doesn’t mean they’re back as a couple. Tinsley is hopeful that they’ll reunite, but they didn’t even have sex.
Question: why has Dorinda got such a hard on about Tinsley’s love life. Who cares?! Since Dorinda put Tinsley on blast, she tells the women about her weekend with Scott. Tinsley isn’t sure she has a happy ending with Scott, and she tears up as she thinks about her future.
They give Tinsley lots of advice. Give Scott an ultimatum. Make him put a ring on it. Tell him she wants a baby STAT. If only it were that easy.
And that’s our crazy episode. So, are you enjoying this season as much as I am? Who was worse at the restaurant, Ramona and Sonja, or Leah? And what do you think of Leah as a new addition to the show?
I’m a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.