This week’s episode begins with Kyle Richards frantically trying to get her house in order before leaving for the cast trip to Santa Barbara. Surprisingly Dorit Kemsley shows up at Kyle’s house first. One might think she came early to apologize for the way things went at Erika Girardi’s chart reading party but they’d be wrong. My guess is she came early to prove a point, like “hey, look at me, Kyle. I’m not late this time.” The jury’s still out on whether not she did her own glam though…
While waiting for the rest of the ladies to arrive, Kyle Richards offers Dorit Kemsley a cup of coffee (better make sure it’s served in the right kind of cup, Kyle) and a half-ass apology of sorts. Without ever actually apologizing for telling Dorit to STFU, she tries to smooth over the choppy waters by saying how much fun she has with Dorit and that she doesn’t want them to fight about “petty stuff.”
Kyle Richards is noticeably apprehensive about going on the trip with all of the ladies, especially after she poked the bear that is Erika Jayne. Fortunately, when everyone arrives at Kyle’s house to board the luxury transportation it’s all fake smiles and cheek kisses. Yep, fake ass bitches indeed.
Garcelle Beauvais is noticeably absent once again as she is busy shooting a tv show in Nashville, producing two movies in development and raising her twelve-year-old sons. We’re treated to a co-parenting scene in which she bids farewell to her sons and her two-timing ex-husband before heading out of town for a work trip.
Meanwhile, Denise Richards is also absent as she is on the set of The Bold and the Beautiful, filming not one but two episodes. Her plan is to join the ladies in Santa Barbara later that evening once she’s done with work. Garcelle, take notes.
The ladies eventually arrive at their luxury vacation rental in Santa Barbara complete with eight bedrooms, a personal chef, a housekeeping staff and views for DAYZ-all to the tune of $2500 per night. Kyle seems impressed but doesn’t want to appear too impressed as she later looks at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave and says, “what a great little house this is.” Psh. Yeah. Okay, Kyle.
Once they get settled in, the ladies hit the ground running and head straight to the nearest winery. Everyone appears to be having a good time… everyone but Teddi, that is, who looks on wistfully in between sips of her sparkling water. Denise eventually becomes the subject of conversation as the ladies all take turns piling on about what a hypocrite she is for not wanting them to discuss threesomes within earshot of her daughters and their friends. “She had a hooker at Thanksgiving,” Erika snapped.
Dorit Kemsley makes a half-hearted attempt to speak up for Denise but Erika quickly shuts her down when she insinuates that the girls already know about threesomes, most likely from their own personal experiences. “They already know if they haven’t had one already,” she sneers. AND THIS IS THE MOMENT MISS PAT THE PUSS LOST ME FOREVER. To insinuate that someone’s daughters (who were 15 and 13 at the time) have engaged in threesomes is just plain gross. Almost as gross as the topless bar she used to dance at in Jersey… but I digress.
I can only assume that Denise Richards’ ears were burning as she walks into the winery mere moments later. The collective cackles quickly dry up to an awkward silence. Even Erika looks a little startled as it appears Denise pops up quite literally out of nowhere. Instead of coming clean about the shit they’ve been talking it’s almost like they all looked at each other and telepathically decided to save the takedown for later that evening at dinner.
Later at dinner, Lisa Rinna makes good on the mission as she starts peppering Denise with questions the moment her bony ass hits the dining chair. “What’s it like to shoot a three-way?” she asks. At first, Denise takes the interrogation in stride revealing how she told her parents about the scenes and admitting how uncomfortable it was shooting them.
Lisa Rinna and Denise go head to head when Lisa rudely asks Denise how she’ll feel when her daughters watch the threesome scene. Denise responds by saying that she prays that her daughters never watch it. Lisa then poses the question that maybe her daughters have already seen it. She then launches into some longwinded tirade about how she’s proud that her daughter’s learned how to give oral sex from her book because at least she taught them how to do it right. Ugh. In the words of former housewife Taylor Armstrong, “ENOUGH.” Someone, please cut slob kebab Rinna off. She is doing TOO MUCH.
The rest of the ladies begin to chime in and accuse Denise of being a hypocrite for being upset at the inappropriate conversation in front of her daughters. Sutton Stracke finally spots her one good chance to get a word in and has the nerve to tell Denise that maybe she shouldn’t invite her children to a dinner party that her friends are at… in her own home. That goes about as well as one can imagine.
Erika Girardi accuses Denise of being naive in thinking that the threesome talk wasn’t anything her daughters haven’t already heard before. Denise admits that they probably have heard talk like that before but maintains that doesn’t mean they should hear it from their mom and her friends. Denise then promptly shuts the discussion down like a boss and the ladies reluctantly turn in for the night. I guess they’ll have to save that takedown for another time…
Cut to the next morning when Lisa asks the ladies to air out any grievances they have with one another. But really. In what world is this remotely normal??? Teddi and Dorit go back and forth for the billionth time regarding their lovers’ quarrel with Kyle. Can we all just agree that they are both vying to be the new Queen Bee’s lapdog since LVP is no longer in the picture?
Erika Girardi also seizes the moment to call Kyle on the carpet for saying that she has no good friends. Not gonna lie though. After seeing Erika’s behavior in Santa Barbara I’m inclined to believe that Kyle was spot on in that assertion.
Once all that’s out of the way, the drama loops back around to Denise. This time Lisa chooses to go for the jugular and pointedly ask Denise what her daughters think of the hookers that their father Charlie Sheen brings around at Thanksgiving. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.
With friends like this who needs enemies?! These women are officially the worst of the worst. In a perfect world that “ragamuffin” would have leaped across the table and made Lisa wet those depends she’s so famous for. Instead, Denise remains calm and says that although her children have been exposed to much worse she has every right to shield them from inappropriate conversations. TOUCHÉ.
Can we please quit throwing stones at Denise Richards for asking that her frenemies keep their nasty traps shut in front of her daughters? To make the excuse that they should be able to say whatever they want in front of them because their dad is Charlie Sheen is just low-down and dirty, even for the likes of Lisa Rinna. Has Denise finally had enough of these fake ass bitches? Tune in next week to find out!