The episode opens with the Toms making good on their softball bet and scrubbing SUR’s bathroom on their hands and knees while wearing matching shirts and blazers.
Lisa Vanderpump catches them in the act and asks if they can shave her legs while they’re down there. Tom Schwartz seems a little too eager to take her up on that before he comes crashing back down to reality.
Later in the evening, Tom Sandoval breaks the news to Brittany Cartwright that he and Ariana Madix have decided to throw their own party… at the same time… on the same day… just a few houses down the street. Okay, Petty Betties… we see you. Jax’s Kentucky muffin seems blindsided by the news while stammering out the words, “that’s kind of messed up” as she fights back big, fat crocodile tears.
Once she gets home, Brittany immediately tells Jax about Sandoval and Ariana’s evil plot to destroy their pool party. As expected, Jax loses his mind. Instead of taking a moment to look inward and figure out how the entire fiasco could have been avoided, he blames Brittany before storming out for his third workout session of the day. Later in her talking head, Brittany worries that her new hubby is reverting back to his old ways (of doing the dirty with other SUR waitresses while nursing home residents lie helplessly and incapacitated a mere few feet away.)
Meanwhile, Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni meet for drinks at Hyde Kitchen + Bar, the place of Charli Burnett’s second waitressing job. Maybe it’s the fact that she works two jobs or maybe it’s because she calls Brett out for his subpar fashion choices, but Charli officially won me over this episode. Upon seeing Dayna and Brett, Charli can’t help but point out Brett serving us his flannel lewks on loop. “Are flannels like you’re thing?” she asks. “No” he exclaims as he simultaneously puffs out his chest. Brett sure does get defensive over his outfit choices for a guy who is adamant he puts zero effort in his
perm naturally windswept tendrils. After drinks, Brett and Dayna engage in a long, awkward and highly produced makeout session up against some random car out in the parking lot. Gag me. Can this fake storyline please be over soon? My digestive system is counting on it.
The next day at TomTom, while discussing their one-year celebration, Lisa and Ken reveal that TomTom actually turned a profit in their first year of business, a rarity in the restaurant industry. They drop a bomb when they explain that their plan is to re-invest the money they made in the Vanderpump Cocktail Garden next door. The ultimate plan is to open up the wall and make the garden part of TomTom. The caveat is that they want the Toms to join in on the venture and re-invest their profits too. Both Schwartz and Sandoval seem open to the idea but ultimately Sandoval tells them he will need to talk it over with Ariana before making a decision. Hey Schwartz, take notes. It might be a good idea to talk it over with your WIFE as well. Make sure to time it right though. Waiting until after she’s ingested a few tequilas isn’t necessarily the best idea if you know what I’m saying. Never forget #tequilakatie.
Lala Kent pays Brittany a visit and we learn that she’s been fielding manic calls from Jax all day who is still stewing over Sandoval and Ariana’s competing pool party. Brittany admits that her man is being “a little cray cray” and says she cannot keep dealing with Jax’s crap.
We also learn that Jax and Brittany are still on the hunt for a DJ for their pool party. Lala suggests asking Jax & Brittany’s arch-nemesis, James Kennedy, to do the honors. In a surprising turn of events, both Jax and Brittany seem open to the idea. Ladies and gentlemen, hell has indeed frozen over. Or maybe the Cauchi’s are just beginning to realize beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to having guests at their fledgling pool party. Unfortunately, James has a prior obligation… at Sandoval and Ariana’s.
Later that evening Stassi Schroeder, Beau Clark and Lala arrive early for Dayna’s comedy show. Enter Brett… and Max Boyens. Ugh. The
phony love triangle saga continues.
Newbie Dayna pulls her comedy show performance off without a hitch and scores major brownie points with the OG’s. I have to admit- I’m not the biggest Dayna fan but even I LOL’d at her jokes. She’s pretty good at the whole comedian bit… and I take sketch comedy very seriously, okay?! (Sorry, if you didn’t get that last part you’re not a true VPR stan and should just go ahead and close the browser now.)
After the show, Dayna Kathan and the rest of the group head out for a drink close by. Scheana finally arrives and immediately gets to work doing what she does best: stirring the s*** soup. When Sheshu asks what the others plan to do now that they’re faced with choosing whose pool party to attend, Lala says she has zero intentions of attending “a frat party with no furniture.” “I’ll be at Jax and Brittany’s like an adult,” she adds. Ah yes, the adult party that will include a bouncy house- that adult party.
Lala switches gears when she announces in front of the entire table, including Max, that she heard that Dayna and Brett made out the other night. “What’s the vibe?” she asks Dayna and Brett. Dayna insists, “there’s no vibe” before Max interrupts her and throws a tantrum similar to that of a four-year-old. Max proceeds to chastise Dayna for going after his best friend, even after he had that intentionally vague and ambiguous talk with her a few nights prior at Sandoval and Ariana’s house. How dare she not read between the lines of his long-winded speech in which he pretended not to care that she was talking to Brett???
Max and Brett Caprioni start going at it before Max accuses Brett of not being honest with him. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to prove that Brett does indeed have feelings for his best friend’s ex, Max demands that Brett look at Dayna and tell her he doesn’t have feelings for her. In a moment of exasperation, Brett screams back “I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER.” Oopsie. Umm Brett, did you forget that Dayna is sitting literally RIGHT beside you? Brett tries to recover and backtrack but it appears the damage has been done. Poor Dayna sits there stunned while looking like a sad, deflated balloon. Stassi and Lala seize the moment to insert their unwarranted opinions about the wayward love triangle as if they have any business giving others relationship advice while the rest of the table shifts around uncomfortably in their seats. SO AWKWARD.
The next afternoon tensions build as Lisa, Ariana and Brittany meet to sort through donations at Covenant House, a charity that helps at-risk youth transition into adulthood. The tension comes to a head when Brittany confesses that Sandoval hurt her feelings by hosting a party the same day as her and Jax’s. Lisa gently points out that maybe Jax hurt Sandoval’s feelings first when he disinvited him. Ariana all-too eagerly points out that Brittany is just collateral damage in the rift that her husband created. “She’s kind of married to the problem,” Ariana later says in her talking head interview.
Ariana takes it one step further when she surmises that if it weren’t for Brittany, Jax probably wouldn’t have any friends. Brittany calls BS on that but Ariana is on a roll as she starts to list off the people who initially had the idea of the dueling pool parties. By the look on her face, tt’s safe to say that Brittany was not expecting Katie Maloney Schwartz to be at the top of that list.
Brittany immediately gets to work texting Katie and calling her out for her role in the pool party drama. Katie feigns ignorance that she had anything to do with the competing pool party (spoiler alert: she did) before screaming at Brittany over the phone while sitting in a crowded restaurant. Schwartz tries his best to shush his Bubba before grabbing the phone himself and calling Brittany an idiot. Well, at least now we know he doesn’t reserve the ugly name-calling to just his wife. Apparently, he’s down to insult all of the women.
Finally, it’s time for the pool parties to begin. Brittany is drowning her lonesome pool party sorrows in back to back chilled tequila shots while Ariana is dousing her entire house in air freshener in a feeble attempt to combat the kitty litter stench wafting throughout the new home The guests keep filing in at the Sandoval/Madix residence while a few doors down Jax and Brittany are flipping burgers for all four of their guests. Minus Brett, of course, who is strictly plant-based.
Kristen Doute and Carter thank Ariana for inviting them before revealing that she and Carter are officially back together. Hmm… imagine that. Kristen then engages in a poorly executed game of telephone in which she relays the unsavory comments made about Ariana and Tom’s house having no furniture. Unfortunately, she gets it ALL WRONG and says that Stassi was the one who had the ugly things to say when in reality it was Lala. Ariana immediately launches into a tirade about Stassi. “Okay Regina George get the f*** over it you f***** snob ass bitch, you f***** little snob,” Ariana spews. “Ya know what, just stay in your one-bedroom apartment with your second bedroom that you turned into a fucking shoe closet because she wanted to copy Scheana,” she adds. Ah, there she is… We knew we’d see her again-the real side of Ariana she desperately tries to suppress while portraying herself as this nice, level-headed, truth-teller and justice crusader. If you think I’m wrong about that, allow me to refresh your memory of the infamous line she delivered during season two to the girlfriend of the guy she most likely hooked up with, “I’m smarter than you. I’m prettier than you. Get the f*** over it.” Ariana, girl, you’re not fooling anyone.
Once the pool party is well underway, Katie and James share a tender moment and hug it out after Katie admits she’s seen a tremendous amount of growth in him. This all comes after a spastic James accidentally elbows Katie in the boob. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
The episode finally wraps with Stassi pulling Jax aside and calling him out for his bizarre antics. “From the outside, it looks like you’re losing your mind,” she says. Jax admits that he is losing his mind. He then delivers a long soliloquy about how hard his life is. According to Jax, he works so hard to make everyone else happy but deep down he’s miserable inside. Right… and I’m Mother Teresa.
Stassi calls Jax out for portraying himself as a victim and quickly reminds him that he has complete control over how he treats others. Jax then provides us with a dramatic cliff-hanger that Bravo’s production team loves oh so much when he admits that he’s afraid he’s going to end up hurting Brittany again. DUN DUN DUN. Okay, I think we’re all aware that will happen again but can we please make a deal that Jax takes his business anywhere else besides another assisted living facility this time??? That would show some tremendous growth on Mr. Jax Taylor’s part.
Is Jax really up to his old ways or will he snap back to reality before he loses his Kentucky muffin for good? Tune in next week to find out!