We open this week’s episode of the Real Housewives of New York City with Luann de Lesseps wearing a floral dress and looking great. She meets up with blast from the past, Jacques. He’s now engaged to another woman, is sporting gray hair and wrinkles, and manages to look older than Lu.
She fills Jacques in on her court case and her determination to stay sober, no matter how hard it is when she’s around the girls. But she wonders if she can have a glass of wine every once in a while. Jacques tells her to go ahead and have a glass of wine. Just one, though. According to him, Lu is strong and capable of sticking to her guns.
Jacques is now doing standup. You know how hilarious the French are. He plans on appearing onstage for one of her cabaret shows. She plays “Feeling Jovani” for him. He’s confused. Who the hell’s Jovani?
Dorinda Medley walks by her old townhouse on the upper East side. She’s visiting her stomping grounds where she had a life with deceased husband, Richard. Then she stops by her favorite restaurant, where she received a ring for her five-year anniversary. They came to this place every week.
Ramona Singer, Sonja Morgan, and Elyse Slaine join Dorinda for lunch. The maître d’ stops by and says he misses Richard. Then Dorinda toasts John — who also loved Richard. Ramona wonders why Dorinda is talking about Richard all the sudden. What’s the deal?
Before she can ask, Sonja pours some fruit drink into her glass with a shaky hand. She’s been on a liquid fast to lose a few pounds. Liquids, soups, tea, and the occasional olive for five days. Too bad everyone else is eating solids.
The women discuss Leah McSweeney and her reaction to Sonja’s gift of a sweat suit and pink pimp hat from last week. Dorinda didn’t like Leah at first, because she’s a friend of Tinsley Mortimer. But after talking to Leah at Sonja’s fashion show, Dorinda’s become #TeamLeah.
Dorinda Medley is still banging on the “Tinsley won’t share her life with us” drum. And frankly, it’s getting old. She hopes Leah can be a nice buffer between herself and Tinsley.
The girls are excited to see the comedy show Luann’s cohosting. They think if Lu starts drinking again, she’ll be able to handle herself. I’d love to know what makes them think this. Looking back over the past seasons, Lu’s drinking was out of control. We all remember the topple into the bushes in Mexico, no?
As Elyse Slaine picks at her pasta, Dorinda congratulates her on having self-discipline. Dorinda eats all the pasta on her plate. This is why, she tells us, she’s a size six. Which is plus size. (Cue the eye roll here.) Anyway, Dorinda isn’t feeling that great about her boobs, either. Instead of encouraging her, Ramona agrees that Dorinda’s bare breasts are a turnoff. Sorry!
Tinsley Mortimer and her mom go to lunch at a new place. Dale loves her fur grandbabies, and it gives her an excuse to come to the city. Tins tells her mom that the relationship with Bruce, the other guy from Chicago, is done. He didn’t make enough time for Tinsley. He was too busy with his kids and ex-wife and business. But her just thinks Tinsley was too much for Bruce to handle. Who wants a forty-four-year-old woman with no kids? It really bothers me to see Dale take these passive aggressive swipes at Tinsley, cutting her down at every opportunity.
They discuss Tinsley’s walk in New York fashion week. But this brings up her irritations with the other ladies. She’s tired of them zeroing on her weaknesses. Dale says that Tinsley shouldn’t take anyone putting her down. (Ironic, no?) And by the way, Tinsley needs a baby — before Dale dies already. No pressure!
In Englewood, NJ, Sonja Morgan goes to visit her VP, Laura for a Sonja lifestyle brand meeting. She needs to see the bottom line. Where’s the money? But she’s only sold three-five hundred pieces a year. Her CEO, Guarav, fronted the money and has nothing to show for it. Sonja feels dejected. The fashion show didn’t yield any sales for her line. She’s at rock bottom. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Century 21 wants to sell her collection, and maybe that will generate some income.
Leah McSweeney is at home, facetiming Rob, her baby daddy. She’s sad he never proposed, but they’re still best friends. They live only two blocks apart, and they’re always working. Leah wants a man in her life, and she complains about it to Rob.
Leah’s mom is upset that she started drinking again. They’re now estranged and Mom won’t answer Leah’s texts. Her mother wants her back in church and on the right path. But when the priest asked how many partners Leah had, she lied. So…that kind of defeated the purpose.
Leah McSweeney is at the venue for her comedy show. There’s a slide and a ping pong table and Chanel, the podcaster/host for the show. (You might remember Chanel from Princesses Long Island. RIP, Princesses!) They’re putting on this comedy show in conjunction with Lu’s cabaret act to raise money for people who’ve been incarcerated and also for an anti-bullying charity. That Luann. Giving back, one song at a time.
Jacques and his fiancée, Paige, show up. Lu is very gracious to Paige, says she loves this lady and has given the Countess’ stamp of approval.
Chanel has written a little script for Lu, saying she never actually fucked a pirate. Then they’ll introduce Jacques. We see a flashback of the Johnny Depp-alike. But they’re right, he wasn’t a pirate. He just played one in a bar. So technically, she fucked a cosplay dude. Jacques, the comic, doesn’t find any of this funny.
Leah McSweeney and Ramona ride to the show together. The last time they saw each other, Ramona lectured Leah about making peace with her mother. Leah texted, but her mom never responded. Ramona insists that Leah meet with her mom face to face. Moms need respect, so suck it up and give it to her, Leah. But Leah’s mom judges her on the failures and ignores the achievements. Ramona holds Leah’s hand and encourages her to take some flowers to her mom and apologize.
The ladies step into the club and greet Luann. Dorinda and Tinsley come next. They all greet Jacques. Elyse shows up, too. Dorinda is drawn to Leah, congratulating her on her street chic outfit. Dorinda wants to have lunch with Leah and Tinsley. But Tinsley isn’t that excited about meeting with Leah as a buffer.
Jacques asks if Ramona has ever bullied anyone. We see a flashback of all the women she’s tormented through the seasons. Dorinda claims she’s never bullied anyone either. But she, too, has a long history of browbeating the other ladies. Dorinda says if she saw some kid getting picked on at school, she’d tell the principal. Uh huh.
Sonja finally arrives. She kisses Leah hello. They’ve squashed their beef over the sweat suit debacle.
Luann tells Dorinda that she hasn’t had a drink since probation. Dorinda says Lu was never an alcoholic. Tom, her ex, drove her to drink. When Lu reaches for Ramona’s glass of water, Ramona tries to stop her. That’s not water. It’s vodka. Luann grabs the glass and takes a sip anyway. And it tastes so good!
Ramona Singer bites her tongue and says nothing. Dorinda is glad the sobriety is over. Now, they can all drink. All the time. No arrests, no chips, no breathalyzer. Elyse thinks it’s a bad idea, and Dorinda tells her to mind her own business.
The show starts. Lu struts up to the stage. She tells a blowjob joke. Dorinda gives her props for trying to be funny.
Sonja thinks Jacques might be funny. Maybe. If they could understand him. Eventually, the ladies get bored and start talking amongst themselves. Leah and Dorinda lean over Sonja and talk about the upcoming lunch with Tinsley. Jacques sees this from the stage and tells Sonja to pay attention. Like she’s in high school.
We see a montage of comics who aren’t funny. Ramona is confused about how bullying ties in with comedy. She finally heads to the ladies’ room, taking Sonja with her. The night’s been a bummer, especially for Sonja, who’s hungry and sober.
After the show, they play one of Luann’s songs, and Ramona starts dancing. Which is my favorite Ramona thing, because she does it so badly. Leah compares Ramona to Elaine from Seinfeld. She has a point.
Ramona encourages Tinsley to go down the slide. Once she does, she and Ramona hit the bar and speak to Elyse. Tinsley says she’s not ready to date right now. She wants to start boxing with Leah and be on her own for a while. Ramona congratulates her.
Dorinda Medley heads down the slide. Very slowly. Then Lu gives it a try, followed by Sonja, who glides down with her legs wide open.
At the bar, Dorinda talks to Leah McSweeney, saying Tinsley seemed a little apprehensive about their upcoming lunch. Leah thinks Dorinda is intimidating. What? Dorinda intimidating? She’s never heard of anything so ridiculous. When Tinsley joins the group, Dorinda immediately wonders if Tinsley’s intimidated by her. Leah says she was misquoted and reiterates that Dorinda can be scary, especially when tequila is involved.
Tinsley doesn’t need a buffer. She can handle Dorinda on her own. She’s a grown woman who doesn’t need other people speaking for her or interpreting for Dorinda.
Dorinda now blows up at Tinsley and says she can’t do anything right. If she stays, Dorinda will get angry. Tinsley keeps saying they can talk on their own, but Dorinda doesn’t want to hear it. They leave on bad terms, and that’s the end of our episode.
So, do you think Dorinda Medley had cause for getting upset with Tinsley — again? Are you okay with Luann being off the wagon? And how long will Sonja’s people keep pouring money into her business without seeing a profit?
I’m a fiction writer by day and a reality TV addict by night.