Welcome back to another pasta-fueled episode of Vanderpump Rules. Let’s dive in!
This week’s episode opens with Danica Dow telling Ariana Madix that they might have to move a few tickets over to the bar area because Jax Taylor is going to be an hour late to his shift. “I have no idea how he gets away with half the shit he gets away with,” Danica sneers. Okay, but you’re the manager Danica. Shouldn’t you know? Or did you forget that’s the role your playing to make yourself relevant this season?
Meanwhile, Brett Caprioni is walking around looking like a standard poodle after a long, luxurious day of getting #vanderpuffed at Vanderpump Dogs pet salon. When asked about his newfound curly locks he makes it very clear he did not get a perm. “When I just kind of like do nothing and let it chill this is what comes out of it,” he says. Suuurree Curly Sue. So effortlessly cool you are.
Scheana Shay and Dayna Kathan have yet another run in when Scheana casually mentions to Dayna that she and Brett just got back from Palm Springs. According to Scheana, they were there to film a music video for
“Good As Gold” “One More Time.” A song about-you guessed it- banging it out one last time with your ex. Scheana all too eagerly admits to being topless in a scene or two while showing off the raw footage- no pun intended. As one can expect Dayna’s not thrilled. “I literally don’t know what to say about it. Like, I’m so uncomfortable,” she admits after watching snippets of the footage. Well, that makes two of us…
Bravo half-heartedly attempts to set the premise for the rest of the episode when Tom Sandoval and Jax meet at a sneaker cleaning business to have all of their sneakers cleaned. Think dry cleaners but for shoes only. Hey, there’s an idea! Dorinda Medley, if you’re reading this I have an idea for a new service John can include at Madame Paulette! But I digress…
Jax Taylor makes it very clear that he’s annoyed from the get-go to be visiting a shoe cleaning biz, let alone filming a scene with his number one frenemy, Sandoval. “Only in LA is there a shoe/sneaker cleaning place,” he complains.
After his card is declined Jax promptly switches gears and sets his
pasta-fueled rage sights on Sandoval and Ariana’s relationship. “I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors at your house. Right? I mean you’re fine? You’re happy?”
Tom Sandoval is adamant that he and Ariana are fine. The best they’ve ever been, actually. But Jax isn’t backing down. When Jax asks Sandoval if they ever get into arguments and resort to namecalling he can’t help but add, “I thought she was being a b**** many, many times.”
Tom Sandoval seems to have had enough of Jax’s interrogation when, in a nutshell, he tells Jax that he needs to learn how to keep his trap shut. “Sometimes it’s good to take a second, not get too responsive,” Tom advises Jax.
Cut to Stassi Schroeder and Brittany Cartwright meeting for a puppy play date at the dog park. Brittany congratulates Stassi again and the two discuss how Stassi is, in fact, morphing into a Demon Bride right before their very eyes. Stassi Schroeder casually mentions that Jax was unhappy with some of the comments on her social media following Beau’s proposal. According to Stassi someone congratulated her and said they were never more excited for a couple to get married and Jax replied with “Really? That hurts.”
Poor Brittany is left to apologize for her husband’s antics, chalking it up to Jax just being an “attention whore.” And there ya have it, ladies & gents. The real reason for Jax going off the rails is because he’s no longer the center of attention. I’d like to say I’m surprised buuutttt this is the “number one guy in the group” we’re talking about.
Jax finally shows up for his shift at work but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to be bothered when Scheana scurries over chomping at the bit to show Jax footage from her new
sex tape music video with Brett.
Jax Taylor then unleashes into some long-winded tirade about how he always gets yelled at for being a liar but no one else is being honest either. High on the list of people that Jax thinks needs to start being more honest: Sandoval, Ariana and Kristen Doute.
Scheana seems genuinely confused about Jax’s angry outburst when she tries to change the subject to the beach clean-up day that Max Boyens has orchestrated. Unfortunately, that’s also a sore subject for Mr. Taylor. It turns out that Jax is also annoyed that Max would have the audacity to plan a beach clean-up day so far from his own home in Valley Village. THE NERVE.
On the day of said beach clean-up, everyone arrives and Krazy Kristen runs over and gives Stassi a long, awkward embrace while whispering congratulations in Stassi’s ear. She then scurries away just as fast to the opposite side of the group probably afraid that the Demon Bride might attempt to feed her to the sharks.
The clean-up is officially underway when it becomes all too clear that maybe this wasn’t the brightest idea seeing that the beach is actually already pretty clean. “Max has brought us to do a beach clean-up at literally the cleanest beach I’ve ever been to. This beach is actually cleaner than my house,” Katie Maloney Schwartz says. Why am I not surprised? Cue the montage of Katie sitting around the house literally doing anything BUT cleaning her own home.
While on the beach, Brett confides in Lala Kent and Dayna saying that he thinks it’s finally time to set some boundaries with ol’ Sheshu. He explains that he may have bitten off more than he could chew when he agreed to star in her music video. He goes on to say, “I felt a little violated at some points-like when she was biting and licking my f****** ear wax out of my ear.” OOF.
Meanwhile, Jax appears to have taken a page right out of
Tequila Katie’s book while firing off round after round of rage texts to Max. To make a long story short, Jax essentially calls Max a little girl and then disinvites him to his pool party. Has Jax forgotten that quite literally everyone in the Valley has a pool in their backyard or…?
Later that evening Sandoval and Ariana host a dinner party and B-squad members Dayna and Max have a highly produced conversation in which Max admits he still has feelings for Dayna and feels some type of way that she and Brett are now hanging out but not enough that he actually cares to do anything about it. Hmm. Cool talk.
The next day Kristen is caught up in all of her glory playing entrepreneur while slinging graphic tees that she made at home with her Cricut. Think phrases like Live, Laugh, Love,” and “Tacos + Tequila.” S’cute.
Jax strolls in and at first, it appears that he’s ready to make amends for his piss poor attitude. He apologizes to both Max and Sandoval for hastily disinviting them to his pool party
that they probably don’t want to come to anyway. Jax tries to explain away his erratic behavior saying, “I’m going through some mental problems right now. Like some mental issues. And I’m angry all of the time. All of the time I’m angry. I call it an episode.” Hmm… is this a Jekyll and Hyde dueling personalities kind of thing? Are Jason Cauchi and Jax Taylor at war with one another right now? Is this Jason apologizing?
Just as fast, though, Jason morphs back into Jax as he takes one last big fat dump on anything that is not about him. He pulls Kristen Doute aside to chastise her about a sex tape that was either made four weeks ago or four years ago with a man that is not Carter. WAIT, WHAT?! Is this an attempt to expose Kristen for all the lies she’s supposedly been telling or has Jax consumed wayyyy too much pasta? I’m about as confused by all of this as Raquel Leviss is in a community college remedial math class.
Jax Taylor storms out of the event with Brittany standing by or rather running alongside her man. Once at home the newlyweds are duking out behind their closed doors. Wait- I thought that was supposed to be Sandoval and Ariana.
With tears streaming down her face, Brittany tries to explain to Jax that she is sick of bearing the brunt of his misplaced anger. Instead of acknowledging her feelings and apologizing for his behavior, he launches into a pity party about how he’s experiencing “super lows.” “I smoke a lot, then I get hungry, then I gain 20 pounds, then I’m like shit I gotta lose weight so then I take f****** Adderall,” he says. DING DING DING. There we have it, folks. It is indeed ALL ABOUT THE PASTA.
Will the newlyweds make it through their first rough patch? Or is Jax Taylor starting to revert back to his old ways? Tune in next week to find out!