Welcome to an all-new episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills — Dinner Party from Hell Part Deux. Let’s get started!
Kyle Richards finally arrives home from her extended travels to NYC for New York Fashion Week and then to North Carolina to film the sequel to Halloween. She quickly greets her family and then promptly rushes into the house to make out with her dogs. Okay, poor man’s Lisa Vanderpump. I see you. I’ll allow it but so help me if I catch you wearing a hot pink silk blouse with a pussy bow.
We learn that Kyle Richards is planning a sixteen-person dinner party the very next night When asked what she’s celebrating, she doesn’t really have an answer other than her own homecoming. So humble, that Kyle.
Meanwhile, Erika Girardi is hard at work taking vocal lessons with her coach. The only difference in Erika’s vocals and the long list of tone-deaf housewives before her is talent. Cough, cough- Kim Zolciak Biermann, Countess Lu, Melissa Gorga.
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, Lisa Rinna and newbie Sutton Stracke meet and engage in their own miniature tension-filled dinner. I’d venture to say that the trouble starts when Sutton arrives fashionably late and immediately orders a Ketel One on the rocks instead of politely ordering an iced tea in an act of solidarity with the pregnant lady like Lisa did. STRIKE ONE.
Perhaps badgering Teddi Mellencamp as to whether or not she truly cares if any of the ladies come to her retreat is strike two. And I’m certain that strike three was offering to write Teddi a notecard so she could learn the proper way to handle delicate matters like the art of extending invitations. According to Sutton the proper way to handle it would have been to say, “I’d love for you to come but if you can’t be there I understand.”
Meanwhile, Lisa “OWN IT” Rinna looks on without even once considering throwing Teddi a life preserver. Would it really have been so hard to say, “I’m the one who wound Teddi up tighter than a top and then let her loose in your store opening to make an ass out of herself. My bad.”
Teddi seems to have had enough of Sutton’s etiquette lesson when she finally cuts her off. “You’re much more proper than me. I’m a direct person. If I’m upset I’m not gonna sugarcoat it with a little frilly note,” she says. OOH TEDDI. I don’t know if those are the hormones talking or your inability to self medicate with an Aperol Spritz right now but I’m not mad at it.
The next day Kyle is rushing around her home whilst conducting very important conversations with her personal chef as to whether or not the votives she’s set out for her dinner party are in fact “a little too pedestrian.” After all, Kyle cannot be caught dead with pedestrian votives at her dinner party. The horror.
Later that evening the guests finally arrive and the ladies take a moment to size up each other’s LEWKS. Garcelle Beauvais stuns everyone in a tailored white men’s shirt tucked into a jet black tulle skirt. Think Carrie Bradshaw, but darker, longer, and more dramatic. GIRL CAME TO SLAY.
In contrast, poor Sutton arrives with a bottle of Fireball in tow whilst wearing a heavily beaded ready-to-wear Dolce ensemble that falls miserably flat. Erika can’t help but roll her eyes at the mere mention of the phrase “ready-to-wear” while adding, “We ALL wear ready-to-wear. We do have some couture pieces. It doesn’t matter.” And there you have it, Sutton. The Queen of Lewks has spoken. No one cares about you or your ill-fitting fashions.
Once it’s time to sit for dinner Sutton experiences a mini-meltdown when she learns that there are no place cards or assigned seating. Lisa sums it up best when she says, “Place cards and seating arrangements are serious business to Sutton.”
Sutton Stracke circles the table like a lost puppy before eventually waving the white flag of defeat. “KYLE. This is exactly what I thought was gonna happen. Where should I sit? I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling very uncomfortable,” she stammers. Kyle immediately rushes over to solve the seating arrangement drama and promptly finds a seat for Sutton…. right next to Teddi. DUN DUN DUN.
The dinner seems to be off to a pleasant start as Kyle and her guests sip on wild porcini cappuccinos with truffle foam. Well sure. My family and I drink those all the time too. In between spoonfuls of sorbet to cleanse our palate, of course.
In between sips of rich people coffee, someone comes up with the bright idea to play a game where the ladies go around stating their first impressions of one another and what they think now. HAHA. This should go well. For all intents and purposes, it does go well… at first. For a while, the ladies go around saying things like “You’re really pretty.” “NO, you’re really pretty.” But then it’s Sutton’s turn.
I’m just gonna preface this whole next scenario by saying that if you ever have to utter the words, “I’m gonna be very honest” you might as well be ready for World War III, and that’s exactly what happened.
“I’m so not nice. Okay. I’m gonna be very honest. I thought that, Teddi, maybe you were gonna be a little boring. I’m sorry. Are we supposed to be honest or not? That was my first impression. And then pregnant- God help us. But you’re way more interesting than I thought. I didn’t know the depth of who you were,” she says.
In one fell swoop, Sutton manages to call Teddi boring, question the depth of her personality, and then also compare her miracle pregnancy to that of a death sentence. SHOTS FIRED. I REPEAT. SHOTS FIRED.
It appears Teddi is not willing to go down without swinging as she asks Sutton, “I’m confused. Am I offending you because you kind of come at me? What’s happening here?”
The two then spar back and forth about the details regarding Teddi’s half-extended invitation before Teddi’s eyes well up with pregnancy tears and she storms away from the table. Kyle and Teddi’s husband, Edwin, chase after her.
Just curious, Sutton, what are the rules about making someone cry at a dinner party? What’s the proper protocol following that? Oh, sitting there and doing nothing? Okay. Then you passed that etiquette test with flying colors.
Later Teddi eventually rejoins the group just in time for Denise Richards’ husband, Aaron, to launch into some kooky, quacky, mumbo jumbo about his work in alternative medicine. In an effort to save time, I’ll just give you the CliffsNotes version. According to Aaron, everything we know about the disease process is not true, cancer is actually our best friend and we all have it, oh and he’s being followed by the powers that be AKA big pharma because he treats people and yields tremendous results without the use of expensive drugs.
One would be inclined to believe that Aaron Phypers is drunk or high or both, but Denise Richards corroborates the story when she nudges him and pleads that he shut up. “We already have people following us, be careful” she whispers. “Be careful how you say all this,” she adds. Is it suddenly becoming more clear to everyone how Denise was married to someone like Charlie Sheen? Yeah, me too.
Once everyone is able to digest Aaron’s bizarre tirade against Western medicine, Kyle invites everyone to the bar for an after-dinner drink. SHOTS OF FIREBALL ALL AROUND. Oh yeah, and sometime in between all of that Teddi announces the gender of her baby. It’s a girl! SURPRISE!
The dinner party begins to wrap up as the ladies start to leave one by one. Everyone except for Dorit Kemsley, that is. Kyle and Dorit stay up late into the night downing shots of fireball while Kyle desperately tries to contort her body into her infamous splits.
Will Sutton decide to attend Teddi’s retreat after all? Will Teddi welcome her with open arms? Tune in next week to find out!