It’s Flagstaff or bust on Sister Wives — and the episode begins with Kody calling the kiddos together to announce that they’ve secured the land that Gwendlyn hates the least…drainage puddle and all. They plan to ditch wifi for hiking boots, and the teens are split when weighing in on the debate. Meri is now committed to the relocation for super-sure, and Kody wants to move the crowd asap, so the kids can adjust to the contaminated soil before school starts.
Christine has actually purchased a house for some vague reason, and Robyn and Janelle have secured rentals. They’re determined to pull off a smoother move this time, hopefully with no faux arrests or coincidental sirens. Kody is worried about spreading out his wives and kids, and Christine is frustrated by his delayed awareness. Janelle is worried about losing the “family culture,” so Kody decides that they should pack up their houses in perfect unison. Project Unity is taking shape, but Christine evidently isn’t feeling it, confirming that she’ll stay in a hotel while awaiting her closing. Robyn and Janelle offer to take her in, but Christine is immediately repelled by the idea of actually sharing space with her celestial sisters. Meri wants to help Mariah move to Chicago, but offers to lend her muscles to give the family a hard shove out of Vegas. Meri wants to free-wheel it in a RV, because she can escape any time she wants, and take her Lula-racks with her. Kody is constantly clenched, because the decision to purchase the Arizona property is driving them all into poverty.
Christine and Kody are holding an open house for Mitch and Aspyn, so the lovebirds can rake in gifts from the locals. A crafty Scottish party is put together, and the family kicks off the festivities with a scandalous dance session in the kitchen. Kody bellows a clunky toast to the assembled drop-ins, and the last cul-de-sac event is declared a success. We soon learn that Kody is keeping a dishy secret — and plotting a covert wonder-palace for the entire family. Kody’s annoying secrecy is grating on Christine’s last nerve, and she blows when she remembers that she was forced to sign the property loan as a technical “single woman.” Christine is infuriated by the legal injustice of it all, so all of the ladies take a few minutes to rant and rave over being legally demoted to random bed partners.
Meri reminds them all that she’s the only divorced failure, so Robyn gasps and gulps her gratitude. Kody encourages Christine to take on the plural marriage cause — warning Arizona legislators to take cover. Kody finally makes a break for it, and heads out to meet with an innocent drafter, who specializes in fake TLC architecture. Kody explains his polygamous plot with the designer, who manages to hear him out without cringing. Kody knows that his mystery strategy is a risky one, but is determined to plead his case. Kody lays out his wonky separate-but-together plan, a one-roof long shot. Kody and the design pro continue to hash out the mega-box details, including careful master bedroom placement. Robyn scores bonus square footage, natch, due to family size and her HBIC status. Kody wants intimate safety, which means lots of walls and plenty of soundproofing. Kody is enthusiastic, but the designer laughs off the icky lifestyle, and can’t believe that she actually has to design this ridiculous project.
The Browns want to dig up up the family time capsule, and begin by squabbling about how to best nail the challenge. Robyn produces a flashback photo of Kody’s gut, as the guys finally unearth the treasure. The kids are into the mystery box, but the adults are surprised that the contents are moldy. Sol manages to score a shiny new watch, while the others read grungy notes, and try to remember why they ever cared about this junk. Kody reads his delusional unfulfilled post-it dream, and admits that none of his children have embraced his modeled faith. Robyn gives a victory whoop when she reads her buried wish to drag the whole family to Dayton’s dream college town. Meri almost chokes when she reads her past hope to be friends with the woman who legally stole her husband. Meri’s penned wish for an improved marriage is also confirmed a flop. Kody announces that they will make the move in three weeks, and Janelle is happy that she won’t have to speed up her sloth-like packing pace.
TLC chronicles Ysabel’s visit to her spine specialist doc next. Christine is rocking her sequined flip-flops for good luck, and TLC features Ysabel describing the back exercises that have taken over her life. She’s worried about surgery causing chronic pain, and is disappointed when the pro reveals that her spine had slightly worsened. The doc tries to communicate a comprehensive prognosis, but Christine and Kody reject his expertise, and concoct a custom fairytale ending. Ysabel does not drink her parents’ kool-aid, and knows the score.
In a seemingly out of sequence scene, Christine and Aspyn sit down to hash out the move, because the bride is peeved about the arbitrary decision. Christine is sad that Aspyn is miffed, and feels guilty about leaving the newlyweds in the dust. Aspyn feels gypped that their original Utah plan was scrapped, and instinctively knows that something stinks about this random relocation. Aspyn seemingly hasn’t realized that they’re moving for Robyn, but Christine doesn’t spill the beans. Aspyn challenges her family’s bratty discontent, and wonders why four mcmansions aren’t enough. Aspyn smells a rat, and obviously didn’t inherit her common sense from her mama. Three of the wives admit that they aren’t confident that this will be their last move, and Aspyn knows that Kody will uproot them again sooner or later. The grass is always greener — at least until Dayton graduates from college. Aspyn is happy that she successfully escaped the madness.
Next week on Sister Wives, tensions are rising, and Kody drops the one house bomb.