Pack your bags, we’re going to Jamaica with the Real Housewives of Orange County! And for some reason the ladies are taking a four a.m. flight. My guess is it’s Bravo’s way of punishing them. So what do the ladies do first when they arrive in Jamaica? Complain about the heat. But it’s cool, mon when they put on their cliché Rasta hats with dreadlocks because Vicki checked with the driver and he isn’t offended at all. Vicki then shares that Steve doesn’t need sex four times a day like she does. Umm…thanks for sharing?
Tropical drinks and private butlers are waiting to assist the ladies when they arrive at the hotel. But here’s the bad news and it’s a doozy – the air-conditioning isn’t working at the hotel. So no matter how gorgeous the penthouse suites are and how stunning the views are, you are dewy.
Kelly tries to assign Shannon to Emily and Gina’s suite, but Shannon says no effing way. She claims the Three Stooges Amigos must ride together. Gina is impressed by Shannon’s “rude balls.”
The ladies get ready for dinner. It’s slightly cooler in Emily, Gina and Kelly’s suite because they aren’t bags of hot wind have the doors open for a breeze. Shannon is too worried about the threat of Zika. At dinner, Shannon shares she will have to move out of her rental at the end of her lease because the house has been sold. Shannon says she doesn’t want to get emotional, but then gets emotional because she doesn’t want to uproot the girls again. I’m sure her daughters will be fine. What about Archie? Archie needs consistency, too, you know. Kelly tells Shannon to think of all the starving kids in the world because obviously that should make her feel better. And if that fails, Kelly recommends that Shannon take her kids to the projects and scare the hell out of them.
Tamra Judge asks Gina how her living situation is going. As she talks about renting a casita, Shannon and her rude balls turn away to check her Instagram because that’s way more fascinating. The other ladies warn Gina again about protecting her financial future, but this time Gina listens. Everyone except Shannon promises to help Gina.
Meanwhile Vicki is having the mother of all hot flashes. Over the past three vacations, someone has had to go to the emergency room, but Tamra informs Vicki she will not be going with her this time. Poor Vicki is melting right before our very eyes. Tamra gets up and pours a glass of water on Vicki to cool her down. The other patrons didn’t realize it was dinner and a show.
The next day the ladies split up for different activities. Tamra, Gina and Emily go to the beach. Let the drinking begin! Shannon, Kelly and Vicki go to the spa. Let the healing begin! Kelly is concerned because she has a heat rash on her arm. She says she’s never-ever-ever had a rash before, but I’m not sure anyone believes it because thou doth protest too loudly. They go to the Himalayan salt lounge which has heated chairs and will extract toxins. Kelly still won’t shut up about her rash.
Back at the beach, Emily, Gina and Tamra gossip about Shannon. Tamra explains that Shannon is like a broken toaster because she takes a long time to warm up. Gina points out that Shannon shares everything that is happening in her life, but has zero interest in their lives. Tamra says Eddie (who is home alone recovering) thinks she’s an enabler when it comes to Shannon. Tamra says she feels sorry for Shannon, but over time has adapted to her non-stop negativity. Gina dubs her as Sour Shannon – say that three times fast.
Back at the spa, the ladies take a dip in the mineral pool. Shannon can only go in up to her vajayjay because she forgot to bring her bathing suit to the spa. Too bad. Kelly and Vicki drag Shannon’s sour ass into the pool and Shannon nearly drowns Vicki.
At the beach, the ladies are still ragging about Shannon. Gina explains that people cheat because there’s a problem in the relationship, said the girl who has a problem in her relationship. Gina’s advice to Shannon is to free her mind and the rest will follow. (Insert En Vogue song.) Tamra explains the reason Shannon is so uptight is because she doesn’t masturbate. Tamra shares that she masturbates all the time. Great. Try getting that image from your mind.
When the ladies return to their suites, Shannon and Vicki grill Tamra on her day with Gina and Emily. Was Tamra laughing with them or at them? Who was she laughing with more, Emily or Gina? Tamra lies and says no one made fun of anyone.
Next the ladies are going on a rafting excursion and Gina is terrified of murky water. She thinks (I hope I get this right) a cracken octopus with vagina teeth will be released on her in the water. The buddy system is Shannon and Vicki, Tamra and Kelly, and Gina and Emily. Tamra is aware that she is odd-drunk out with the Tres Amigos and renames them the Dos Debbie-downers.
Things aren’t much better on Vicki and Shannon’s raft due to Shannon’s gastrointestinal problems. But if she doesn’t masturbate in private, I highly doubt Shannon farts in public. They play a drinking game. Every time one of the raft guides says, Yeah, mon, they drink. They run out of beer in like five minutes. They sing Row, Row, Row your boat and Kelly and Tamra motorboat each other.
The girls find a swing and give it a try while Vicki and Shannon go to the bar. Long story short, Tamra’s boobs are flashed two different times when she swings into the water. Yawn. Didn’t we see enough of them in Mexico?
At the bar, Vicki is having an allergic reaction to something. Her eyes are all puffy. So she tells the bartender her life story about her bad luck with men. She goes on and on. The bartender tells Vicki to protect her heart and always try her best. Vicki says she always tries her best and never upsets Steve, other than being possessive and constantly telling him to marry her. Other than that they’re golden.
When the other women return to the bar, Sour Shannon announces she wants to sit in the van because she’s hot. The ladies recommend getting in the river, but no way will Shannon do that because there are micro-organisms in them there waters.
Tamra warns the others that she’s about to lose it with Shannon and it won’t be pretty. It never is, Tamra. It never is.
Tune in next week when all the women lose it and screech at the top of their lungs. The Jamaica heat is clearly getting to them.