Drunk Dorinda Ruins Luann’s Cabaret Debut on RHONYC Finale!
It’s been a rough and rocky season for the RHONYC ladies, but we’ve made it to the season finale! Life really is a Cabaret – unless you’re Luann, then life is another trip to rehab. But I am so excited to see #CountessAndFriends. Let’s get started!
We begin 10 hours before the big night. Luann is at the club, rehearsing the names of the real celebrities. Sonja is getting a pedicure with Ramona, contemplating showing her tits and ass. And Bethenny is getting her makeup done, complaining about Carole yet again.
Over at Tinsley’s hotel, Dorinda stops by before the show. Both are dressed up, but Dorinda is quite sparkly. Scott will not be attending the cabaret because he’s in Vegas. John will not be attending the cabaret because he’s not invited. There’s a knock at the door. It’s Carole. She too is wearing lots of sequence.
Dorinda asks Carole her thoughts about John not being invited. Carole is surprised. Dorinda says that Luann told her she should have bought a ticket for him. Oh no she di’ent! It’s the nutcracker all over again. Dorinda feels owed because she got Luann the cabaret gowns. But of course, no matter how flat you make a pancake, it has two sides. Luann thinks Dorinda should have asked for an extra ticket before opening night.
The housewives arrive at the club. Luann’s mom, sister and kids are also in the audience. Tinsley tells Carole that Scott was invited to come tonight by Luann just that morning and she feels bad because John wasn’t invited. Tinsley asks for Carole’s advice on how to navigate this. Carole says her new motto is “everyone should know everything.” That’s a terrible motto, Carole, especially when alcohol is flowing.
Carole switches chairs with Dorinda so Tinsley can drop the bomb. After Dorinda hears about it, she wants proof. Tinsley reads her the texts. Dorinda is about to go berserk. Luann’s known John for six years and she’s known Scott for six minutes. What the hell? Ramona and Bethenny recommend that Dorinda let it go. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
The show begins and Luann announces she made it…after being detained. (clap,clap,clap) And she will not be singing Jail House Rock (clap,clap,clap). Luann explains how exhausting it is not to drink. By ten pm she’s tired when normally she’s ordering her first drink at The Regency. (clap,clap,clap) Then we hear someone say, “The Regency? No! Do not go to The Regency!” It’s Rachel Dratch, former SNL cast member.
Lauran Benanti, Tony Yazbeck, and Andrew Keena-Bolger – Broadway people – do their thing while Luann either changes clothes or sits in a nearby chair. Also making an appearance is Bridgett Everett. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing Bridgett in person and can tell you she’s hilarious. I’m not sure what she’s doing here, but hey, a check is a check. Bridgette likes to motorboat random people in the audience with her size Z breasts. The random person tonight is Sonja, of course.
It’s great that Luann is laughing at herself and having fun. At one point, Luann asks the audience if they like her dress. Dorinda yells out, “Thank you, Jovani” again and again. The other housewives dart their eyes from one to the other as they grasp they may have a Dorinda situation on their hands.
Sonja, “the man-eater,” gets on stage. She’s wearing a red, shiny, dress that ties in the back, and sings Money Can’t Buy You Class with the Countess. While Sonja dances around on stage, her dress magically comes untied. The good news is Sonja is wearing underwear. And the funny thing is, I’m not even sure Luann saw the wardrobe malfunction, her back was turned. After another outfit change, Luann has the audience on their feet, singing along with her, as the show ends. And everyone really looked like they were having a good time.
Next we go to the after-party. The ladies all say they loved the show, except Debbie-Downer Dorinda, who bashed it repeatedly according to Bethenny. Sonja and Bethenny both agree that Dorinda needs to go away for 30 days, and who knows, she might like it. Yeah, and she might like having her hand slammed in a door. Dorinda says she’s leaving the party. So goodbye. She’s not waiting any longer for Luann. On her way out she is stopped by Bridget who just wants to say hello and talk for a while.
At the bar, Carole and Bethenny are having a normal conversation that doesn’t involve tears. They talk about their summer plans. Bethenny will be going to the Hamptons and Carole will be getting creative now that she’s manless. Up strolls Ramona who has the audacity to say, hi.
Bethenny asks Ramona to leave so she can continue her private conversation with Carole. At a bar. A private conversation. Here’s the thing with Ramona, you need to use reverse psychology. By telling her to leave, she hears stay. Ramona tells Bethenny they need to have a private conversation, too. Bethenny tells Ramona to call her secretary for an appointment. Her secretary. For an appointment.
So of course Ramona proceeds to tell Bethenny how she claims to support women, but really doesn’t support women because she didn’t support her and her skincare line. Bethenny’s only comment is: Noted. Really, Bethenny? Carole says, later, and walks off. But the good news for Bethenny is, Ramona leaves too. She follows Carole who gives Ramona the advice to “lower her expectations” with Bethenny. All of the sudden Dorinda pops up with the girls. WTF? I thought she went home.
Luann makes her grand entrance. Everyone congratulates her, even Dorinda. The plan was for Dorinda to congratulate Lu and then leave, but when Bethenny mentions Luann’s fabulous gown, another Jovani comment is made, and Dorinda gets upset all over again. Bethenny tells her to get over it. Dorinda says she was kind, but Luann was not kind. Bethenny decides to stick her nose into their business, she marches over to Luann to get the scoop, but only succeeds in escalating things.
So instead of leaving, like Dorinda keeps saying she’s going to do, but doesn’t, she goes to the bar and orders another drink. Luann announces that no one can ruin her night, but I think Dorinda’s going to keep trying. Luann explains her side of the story to the ladies just as Dorinda walks up. Dorinda starts telling Luann how wonderful she was tonight and to enjoy her party, but in a fake, sugary way, like a housewife from RHOD. Then Dorinda thanks Luann for inviting Scott. Luann says she wants to clarify this, but Dorinda is not interested in another “lecture” from the Countess. Dorinda gives a few more, atta girls, then finally, at last, leaves the party.
Here are the cast updates:
- Dorinda – Having outgrown her empty nest on the Upper East Side, Dorinda is preparing to list her apartment and fly south…to Midtown. She and Luann remain estranged. Oh joy, next season’s story line.
- Ramona – Has lowered her expectations with Bethenny and is living her best life. She listed her NYC apartment and is on the hunt for a hot, young swim instructor. Seriously? This is her best life?
- Bethenny – Found a tenant for her Hamptons rental property despite it being “on the highway.” She continues helping disaster victims worldwide, but her crisis with Carole has seen no relief. Cutting her slack for the loss of her married boyfriend.
- Carole – Is moving on. She has decided to focus on new projects, less toxic relationships and writing her next chapter. Carole should not have walked away from this paying gig.
- Sonja – Sticking to her guns, Sonja found a renter for her townhouse and got full asking price. She can now add “landlord” to her online dating profile. It is my wish that Sonja meets someone special and settles down.
- Tinsley – Tired of waiting or the Coupon King to join her in their castle, Tinsley moved out of the penthouse and into a smaller hotel apartment. She and Scott continue to be on and off. Tinsley needs to learn the difference between need and needy.
- Luann – Riding high after a series of successful #CountessAndFriends shows, Luann had a stumble and went back to rehab. And is now making the rounds on the talk shows.