90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days Season 2 Premiere!
A brand new season of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days launched Sunday night, and TLC delivered a classically cringeworthy season kickoff.
Angela and Michael
The premiere episode begins with Angela, a 52-year-old Georgia grandma, and assistant hospice nurse. She has two daughters, six grandchildren, and is caring for a dying mother. She was burned by a lying ex, but has now fallen hard for a Facebook trolling Nigerian man named Michael. Michael is 30, and Angela was immediately captivated by his sexy photos. Michael is laying it on thick, and Angela is all for for it. It wasn’t long before Angela decided to break the bank, to meet Michael in Nigeria. Angela is ready for a hot, strange, African ride — and plans to pop the question, whether Michael likes it or not. Angela’s hairstylist later chimes in, informing the audience that Angela is a wonderful hot mess.
The stylist adds that her client has a big heart, but is kinda stupid. TLC follows Angela and her daughter’s hunt for an engagement ring, so Angela can execute her plan to shove Michael into marriage. They visit a pawn shop, and Angela picks out a cheap ring, plunking it on layaway. Angela is nervous about the cash, and hopes that Michael won’t be horrified by a pushy American sweeping him off his feet. Her daughter calls her desperate, which is a clear understatement. Angela later congratulates herself with a Nigerian themed cake, and the reality of her upcoming journey begins to sink in. Her friends and family cackle over his photo while puffing cigs, bantering about the nonsensical crap that Michael has sold the gullible granny. The red flags are a-waving, but Angela trusts that Michael is the real deal.
Rachel and John
We meet Rachel, a 33-year old single mom from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Rachel begins her story during her first professional haircut, sharing her plan to leave the country to meet, John, in England. She met John on a karaoke app, after he joined her in a romantic online duet. They harmonized like soul mates, and the awkward spectacle kicked off the romance. Rachel has a 7-year-old daughter, Ella, and was knocked up with her second, when she met her dream crooner. John’s phone face welcomed her second daughter, and Rachel forwarded an umbilical cord chunk as a welcome to faux fatherhood souvenir.
We meet John, via Skype, and Rachel swears that he’s the ultimate virtual daddy. Rachel later meets up with some girlfriends, and they all swoon over Rachel’s bearded Brit. Her pals share some classic concerns, but Rachel is in love and ready for a ring. John covers Lucy’s daycare bill, but he’s not perfect, because he has a criminal record. John’s a repeat convicted “fighter” and one ornery act prevented him from attending Lucy’s birth. Rachel later chats with her father, who half supports her, unlike her mother. Her mother soured on John after he was denied access into the country, and has cut off her support. Her father is worried that John might be a violent boozer, and nudges his daughter to feel out his drunken side. Rachel and Lucy set off to meet her online daddy, and Rachel is excited for the family test run. Rachel can’t wait to make her English dream come true, and prove her critics wrong.
Ricky and Melissa
Ricky is a 33-year-old photographer from Columbus, Ohio. He’s been married twice and has two children. He’s still married to #2, but it only took him four months of separation to dip his toe into online dating. He decided to go Latin, and was pleasantly surprised to see that any ol’ American schlub can be a hot ticket. A surgically enhanced specimen emerged as a winner, a “hot-as-hell” naughty nurse named Melissa. Melissa’s video chats look spammy, but he booked a trip to Colombia anyway. Ricky speaks to his daughter, Amber, 12, about the trip, assuring her that she’s still #1. Amber advises him to slow it down already, and Ricky agrees, but adds that he plans to propose. Amber is taken aback, but Ricky prefers to stay in a cleavage themed daydream, instead of reality. Ricky wants some peer feedback, so he proudly flashes her photo to a group of his friends, and drops the bomb that he wants to propose.
One of his friends reminds him that he’s still married, but Ricky brushes off that pesky detail, revealing that he’s been sending his fantasy nurse weekly cash. Ricky begins having second thoughts, veering into wishy washy, but ultimately decides to follow his hormonal heart, no matter what. He later reveals that Melissa is texting him the cold shoulder, and Ricky is worried, both about his personal investment, and his Spanish. Amber doesn’t have high hopes, especially when she learns that her dad will be sporting a fanny pack. He takes off the meet his dream wife, and crosses his fingers that he’s not about to make a complete ass of himself.
Darcy and Jesse
Repeat player, Darcy, is re-introduced, and we’re reminded that she’s 42, has two daughters, lives in Connecticut, and is entrenched in an unhealthy long distance relationship. Jesse is 24, and has already proven himself an enormous douche, but Darcy loves him anyway. Jesse wants to mold Darcy into his perfect bot, so she’s spinning herself in circles to comply. Jesse and Darcy make up and break up every hour, and Darcy is hopelessly insecure, and desperate to be a wife. Jesse will soon travel from Amsterdam to the U.S., and Darcy hopes that he notices the new made-over her. She’s concerned about her daughters witnessing a toxic relationship, so she hopes that Jesse will cough up a ring, and make their dysfunction permanent.
Jesse arrives, and soon informs us that his insecure girlfriend is making his life miserable. He is hyperactively overjoyed to be in America, and demands a stressful NYC car tour, as they zoom back to their hotel. He becomes impatient when Darcy doesn’t deliver, and she already looks defeated. Jesse wants a “structured and well-rounded” American, and hopes that Darcy has sufficiently reinvented herself, during their time apart. Darcy appears beaten down by a perfectionistic bully — but just hopes that she can please him this time around.
Paul and Karine
Repeat mama’s boy, Paul, makes his entrance, and after a quick mother/son snuggle, his story is retold. We are given a flashback into Paul’s perilous journey from Kentucky to Brazil, including his clunky engagement to Brazilian dream girl, Karine. Paul has been back in the U.S. for 4 months, and has saved enough pennies for a return trip to Brazil. He’s hauling lots of stuffed toys to an adult woman, but he’s ready to marry the semi-child, in her homeland.
Paul’s storyline is the same as last year — his high drama criminal record. He’s hauling his legal paperwork to Karine’s parents, so they can give the details a once-over. Paul has discovered that Karine is trolling online, and may have edged into internet whore-dom. TLC fame might invite a better heart-eyed emoji offer — so Paul is on edge. Paul preps his massive haul, and he and his mom drag it all to the airport. Mother Mary is concerned about Karine’s unicorn obsession, and doesn’t buy that the love affair can beat their rather creepy mother/son connection. Karine also requested sex toys, and Mary does not appreciate the disrespectful tramp soiling her precious baby’s luggage. Paul is not telling Mary that he plans to wed Karine on this trip. Mary encourages him to practice his phrases and avoid panic attacks, before bidding her snuggle-bug farewell.
This week’s 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days sideline MVP? My pick is Angela’s hairstylist, for her crack analysis of her delusional client. Who was your favorite?
Tune in next week to 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days — as the stories continue to unfold.