Hola! We are still in Colombia with The Real Housewives of New York City. The ladies are a little hungover right now after last night’s disaster of dueling arguments. The good news is they’ve decided to sweep it under the rug, along with their dignity, and start the day fresh. But that’s out the window three seconds after Dorinda joins the ladies for breakfast. Dorinda is still upset she was “lectured” by Countess Lu who has a mug shot and she does not – yet. Dorinda thinks since she’s been there for Luann morning, noon and night, she’s earned the right to be a mean drunk.
Bethenny tries to step in, but Dorinda and Carole tell her to butt out. Next thing we know, everyone is yelling, and now Bethenny and Carole are back at it. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling them not to get on the boat. Carole even suggests cancelling it. She leaves the breakfast table and brokers a peace-talk between Dorinda and Luann. Finally Carole is useful.
Luann and Dorinda look at each other and immediately hug it out. Dorinda says she felt judged by Luann. Lu says no, it was a quiet, “You’re starting to turn” suggestion. Dorinda says she’ll only apologize if Lu apologizes. They both say things like, I’m sorry you felt that way. Lu tells Dorinda she got really dark, really quick, but Dorinda doesn’t/won’t/can’t accept this. They each take back their apologies.
Back at the breakfast table, Bethenny is talking smack about Carole, and in walks Carole who sits down, and Bethenny is still talking smack about Carole, at her rapid-fire speed, not picking up on the ques from the other ladies to STFU. Bethenny sets her relationship with Carole at code-red.
Off we go on the boat ride from hell. Things get off to a great start. The women are hugging, kissing and getting their drinks on. Tinsley is excited that the ladies finally appreciate Cartagena like she does, now that it’s not the murder capital of the world.
They arrive safely at the private island Kalua and are met with tropical drinks. They find a dead crab and decide to punk Ramona by placing it in a hammock with her and Lu. They are working really hard to scare a woman with a twisted ankle, holding a bag of ice. They are successful and Ramona freaks out.
The girls are swimming in the ocean, Sonja does a strip tease with her price tag still on, and everyone is catching a buzz, having fun on the island, except Dorinda. She’s pouting. Bethenny gets out of the ocean to be with her because turnabout is fair play. Dorinda cries to Bethenny over the fact that she hurt her friend Lu. Bethenny hugs her and tells her to try again with an apology so she can stop beating herself up already.
Sonja is feeling no pain, dancing at the bar, drinking her prosecco. Luann and Dorinda make-up for real this time, and though they don’t agree that Dor has a drinking problem, they both agree Sonja is about to take a turn. But so is everyone.
At the lunch table, Tinsley gives Carole a compliment on her scarf/hat combination that’s okay at best. Carole says she got this look from Lee Radziwill. They talk about shopping and Bethenny rolls her eyes because she’s sick of Carole getting compliments. She says, “Someone shoot me.” Careful, Bethenny. You’re in Colombia. Tinsley calls out Bethenny on that because so far, she has shopped the most. It goes nowhere. The ladies disperse and do their thang on the island.
Tinsley and Dorinda are in the hammock while Ramona rocks them, interrogating Tinsley on what she wants to be when she grows up. Not what she used to do. What she wants to do now. Not next week. Now. Right now. Tinsley says she doesn’t want to do a damn thing but be a “wifey” and spend someone else’s money. Ramona finds this very shallow, but tells Tinsley she’s jealous because she is. Ramona falls on the hammock and causes Tinsley to spill red wine on herself. What a good friend Ramona is.
With the cabaret coming up, Luann and Sonja decide they need to practice. And she is right. They climb on the coffee table, but can’t get the others do a drum beat. The practice is interrupted by the island’s manager telling the ladies the seas are getting rough and they must leave. It’s only three o’clock. Reluctantly the ladies get on the boat and Lu is the last to leave because the non-drinker has lost her cell phone. The producer has to tell her too bad, get on the boat from hell.
The skies are blue, but the seas have gotten rough. Sonja and Tinsley get into a heated argument in the boat’s interior because Tinsley says sea turbulence is normal and Sonja says it’s not normal, it’s like a plane with one prop. And this has caused Sonja to pee on herself. Outside, Carole is throwing up in a bucket and guess who’s holding her hair scarf? Bethenny. Dorinda wants to know where the life jackets are because she smells smoke. Suddenly a siren is going off. Everyone is scared out of their freaking mind, except Tinsley. She thinks this is part of the Cartagena “charm.”
A black screen from Bravo comes on. It says: Due to the rough waters, all production crew had to stop filming for the safety of everyone aboard.
Cut to 17 hours later. The ladies recount The Boat Ride from Hell at breakfast. The problem was the boat’s anchor dropped, dragging the boat, making it impossible to power through ten-foot swells. Thankfully the captain cut the rope with two swords, very ala Pirates of the Caribbean, according to Luann (and she should know). Carole said the boat ride was more dangerous than covering the war in Afghanistan. OMFG. You’re so brave, Carole. (Insert eye roll.)
Now they are at breakfast and only two, Bethenny and Tinsley, don’t have Montezuma’s revenge. Flashbacks are shown of the women dancing the night away after their boat ride from hell, except Dorinda, who went to bed. The others partied hard, celebrating life because they are survivors. The truth is, everyone can’t wait to go home. The Real Housewives of New York City, while in Colombia, laughed, cried, fought, and shit all over the place.
Tune in next time when the ladies return to NYC, bringing all the tension with them.