Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Potomac. The ladies have returned from the South of France, ready to cause trouble in their home town. Speaking of trouble, we begin with Gizelle who is meeting with hairdresser Kal for breakfast. After briefly mentioning the girls’ trip, Gizelle tells Kal the word on the street is that Karen doesn’t live in her big house in Gray Falls anymore. Kal eats it up, along with the eggs that make him gassy. Gizelle says she wants the truth from her friend so she won’t become her frenemy. Girl, please. I’m sure Karen is shaking in her shoes.
Up next we join Ashley who is unpacking from her trip, all alone in the penthouse with no one but her cute dog. Ashley says she didn’t return home to Michael’s cold, lifeless arms. It was more like Meh, you’re home. Ashley calls her mom to check in. She is still with her deadbeat boyfriend, but out of the motel and into a place of her own. Go, Mom! Mother and daughter make plans to meet up.
Onto Karen and her new wig who is meeting “everything” Matt for dinner. They begin with bubbles, then Karen drops the word on the street that Matt has been running around town telling people she lives in an apartment with rented furniture. The horror! Matt denies this and Karen believes him. Ashley is making up gossip again. End of story.
Candiace’s little sister Crystal stops by her house and they discuss the girls’ trip. Candiace says her favorite moment was singing happy birthday to Monique. Not the gorgeous water. Not the incredible shopping. And certainly not the companionship. Next the sisters discuss their hair business. They want to open a real store. They call mommy and whine about it. Mommy makes a joke about Crystal’s weight and makes sure Candiace is still a size zero. Now I understand why Candiace is the way she is. Mommy says the kids can play hair store, and she’ll fund it, but we all know it comes at a hefty price.
Next we join Robyn at her newest acquisition, a rundown disaster of a house. Gizelle comes by and says, Girl this place is nasty. Ashley also drops by to help, but didn’t understand she needed to wear working boots, not fashion boots. The ladies are ready to take their troubles out on a wall. Gizelle slams the sledgehammer into the sheetrock, saying it’s for Sherman. The guy had the nerve to ask for his Jay-Z tickets back. Damn, girl. You should be able to tear that wall down with your bare hands.
The ladies give up and go outside to drink champagne so the professionals can take over. They discuss Karen and her lies. They hatch a plan to sneak up to Gray Falls and see who really lives in Gray Falls.
Over at Monique’s house, she is bringing her A-game to make it up to Chris, including rubbing his massive feet. In Cannes, Monique realized how petty their argument was on account of all the pettiness from the ladies. How can she make it up to him? Chris wants another baby. Monique says not during football season. The two smoke cigars and pledge to be better listeners. Chris announces he’s gotta use the bathroom, and I’m thinking, TMI dude, but he brings Monique a slice of cake and a gift. Inside are a pair of cool, black sparkly wedge sneakers he picked out all by himself. Good job, Chris.
Ashley is visiting her mom at her new digs and brings flowers and grass for dinner. She tells her mom about the girls’ trip and the essential oil she made her but forgot to bring. Ashley takes a deep breath and tells her mom what Michael said about not having a baby due to her mom being irresponsible. Ashley’s mom is like, Say what? Because she knows it’s bullshit. And get this, Michael isn’t on good terms with his own kids either.
Ashley’s mom says once upon a time Michael told her she did a great job raising Ashley. Wake up, chile! Michael wants to keep you as his trophy wife. He sold you a dream and you bought it sight unseen. So forget about Karen’s rocky marriage and focus on your trainwreck instead. Ashley is super confused about her future and her biological timeclock clock is thumping like a flat tire driving down a dusty road. She almost cries, but not quite.
It’s the Capital Harvest Festival and Karen, Monique, and Candiace meet up to shop and gossip. The place is special to Monique because this is where she and Chris got married. Candiace says she has finally figured out she can’t have everything she wants for her wedding. This is called a breakthrough. Candiace then says it’s because her mother makes everything about herself. This is called a setback. Monique and Karen tell Candiace she is focusing too much on the wedding and not enough on her fiancé. This is called a shame.
Onto the bandits. Ashley, Robyn and Gizelle are getting dressed in costume to deliver a pizza to whoever answers the door in Gray Falls. Robyn is dressed like Luigi the bearded pizza delivery man, Ashley is dressed like one of the X-Men, and I don’t know who Gizelle and her curly black wig is supposed to be. They say she’s Foxy Brown, but she’s more like Plain Jane. Off they go.
On the way, Robyn says she really wants to humiliate be there for Karen, but Karen won’t come clean. She wants Karen to be honest with herself and everyone else that’s she’s as broke as Robyn used to be. The house lights are on and the bandits pull into the driveway. Gizelle is concerned she’ll get shot so she tells Robyn to do the dirty work. Robyn stands her ground and Ashley and Gizelle reluctantly follow. The trio tip-toe to the front door. Robyn rings the bell as Gizelle and Ashley sneak off.
Will Karen answer the door? Tune in next week for the season finale and to find out if anyone accepts the half-eaten pizza.