The Southern Charm reunion series kicked off last night — the cast sitting down to discuss the twists and turns of Season 5, with the always shifty Andy Cohen. The first segment proved to be a semi-sleepy rewind — but did offer a few surprising jolts. Thomas Ravenel was absent — and after Andy read a statement from his attorney and acknowledged Kathryn’s exploding cleavage, it was time to get the post-season party started.
Andy launches a predictable man-hatin’ starter — and Naomie, as the fearless “Girl Power” leader, jumps right in. She reveals that after blasting J.D. on camera, she lost her friendship with his wife, Elizabeth. Naomie claims that Elizabeth backtracked from their initial sic ‘em agreement — and that the verbal smackdown was justified. Kathryn throws in, alleging that Elizabeth is controlled and intimidated by her scoundrel hubby. Andy preaches on the different nuances of the #MeToo meets Bravo dynamic, until an inappropriate joke is tossed, mercifully ending his sermon. Naomie later shares details about her rhinoplasty decision, a move which ultimately brought Craig to tears. Naomie is called out for her phone stalking, and confirms that she will never reconcile with that dramatic crybaby on the other couch.
The Craig Angle
Craig reveals that his hand is still wonky from the knife in the wall incident, and that he plans to finally use his degree to do pro bono legal work. He assures us all that he doesn’t care what anyone in this stupid cast thinks, including that mouthy chick with the strange honker. Craig explains that sewing is a creative outlet utilized to blank out the shadow of his scary ex. He also admits that he blew Patricia’s pillow project, adding that he just isn’t wired to kowtow to pesky schedules. Naomie tattles that the I.R.S. is on his tardy tail, and blasts him for being a hopeless dingbat. Craig fires back, but can’t decide if he detests his target, or can’t live without her. He spills that he heard that the magic had dried up between her and her new beau, and Naomie’s jaw drops. Kathryn backs Craig up — throwing her reality soul-sister under the proverbial bus. Naomie vehemently denies the double accusation, and Andy almost smirks in delight. Craig clarifies that he’s simply a skilled liar — not a habitual one. He also reveals that he’s back under Life Coach Laura’s watchful eye, and reiterates that he half loves, half despises the air Naomie’s new nostrils breathe.
The Kathryn Reinvention
Kathryn has finally pulled herself together, and the cast collectively cheers her better-late-than-never maturity. Andy tries to stir up trouble by pushing her to admit that she resents Thomas’ calls for drug testing, but Kathryn doesn’t bite. She shares that she’s trying to be positive for Thomas, and is choosing NOT to say Hi to Ashley. Kathryn is happy to put her raging druggie days behind her, and is thrilled to be accepted by her fellow Bravolebs. Cameran, evidently determined to revive her barely conscious storyline, interjects herself into the convo, slamming Thomas for being a manipulative cad.
Cameran practically accuses Thomas of shooting Kathryn full of drugs, and also blames him for casting an anti-Kathryn spell over the entire cast. Bravo rewinds footage of Cameran hammering Kathryn into the ground — but birthing a babe has made Cameran a kinder, gentler reality star. Cameran blubbers out her remorse, elevating Kathryn to the highest level of victim sainthood. Kathryn agrees that Thomas is a sneaky Southern gent — while soaking in the over-the-top affirmation. The rehabbed woman of the hour tries to bask in her glory, but Cameran keeps butting in with bonus doses of self-absorbed sniveling. She leaves out the well documented facts collected during the early days of the custody battle — washing them away with her runaway emotion. History has been rewritten — and sealed with Cameran’s postpartum tears.
Footage snippets of reunion wildcard, Ashley Jacobs, are sprinkled throughout the episode narrative, offering a glimpse of the crazy to come. While the hair and makeup team swing their wrecking balls, Ashley delivers frenetic quips about her reunion jitters. She shares that Thomas advised her to be kind and authentic, a likely challenging combo.
Ashley hits the reunion stage next week — don’t miss the fireworks y’all!