This week on RHONY, the ladies are going on a speed dating adventure. Even the ones in relationships. Ramona meets a man, Bethenny cock-blocks Ramona, and Sonja gets randy with a guy with a stain on his shirt. But that fun is for later. First we begin with Luann practicing for her cabaret show. The new song should be, Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you a good lawyer.
As Luann sings for her director while he plays the piano, we learn that Sonja is being added to the show to take some of the pressure off Luann. And Rachel Dratch, former SNL cast member will make an appearance, which seems totally random. They have four weeks to get this show polished. Sonja arrives, they practice, she says she won’t take off her clothes this time…or will she?
On a cold day in NYC, Tinsley stops by Carole’s place with the gift of gloves. Carole points out the five dozen tulips Adam has sent trying to win her back. Tinsley thinks Adam is annoying for showing up unannounced. Carole doesn’t mind because a quickie is a quickie. Tinsley announces Scott is moving to New York and they are upgrading to the penthouse suite at the hotel. The place is $30,000 per month. Talk about annoying.
There’s a knock on Carole’s door. A clear acrylic box with a dozen individually cut, red roses and an invitation to speed dating is delivered. Carole ponders if she should invite the other ladies. Rhetorical question, but this is going to be fun! Currently, the single ladies are Luann, Sonja, maybe Bethenny, and Ramona, though she isn’t mentioned.
Next we are at Bethenny’s apartment when Sonja stops by. Another skinny jeans sample that is too big for Bethenny is given to Sonja. Today they are working on Sonja’s dating profile. One already exists for Sonja, but the list of accomplishments goes on and on, making her seem unapproachable. Bethenny schools Sonja that people only care about her photo, her age, and her boobs height.
Dorinda is hooking up Luann with pageant gowns for her cabaret show. Lu’s looking for modern cabaret, not old fashioned burlesque, so unfortunately feathers and nipple tassels are out. All gowns are shiny and/or sparkly. Dorinda asks Luann about her court case. Turns out, it’s been cancelled for today because her attorney needed time to review the evidence. He was hoping the Florida DA would magically realize they can’t prove criminal intent. Luann is optimistic the charges will be reduced to misdemeanors and she’ll receive community service. Maybe the less fortunate could attend her cabaret show for free. That would count, right?
It’s moving day! Tinsley is moving up to the penthouse suite. One of the three bedrooms will be a closet because she might actually have to use her oven. You go, girl!
Carole and Luann meet at a coffee shop after her AA meeting. Carole likes this new Luann, especially since she doesn’t have Bethenny in her life right now. Luann says she doesn’t like the label of alcoholic, but is taking one day at a time. Luann explains that not-drinking is exhausting because she has to fill the day with other things to distract her from drinking. They talk about Luann’s cabaret show and Carole reminds her to make sure Sonja wears underwear. Best advice ever.
Ramona is at the gym, ready to work out with her friend, Debra. Both look like they just stepped out of a Dry Bar. Instead of warming up, they talk about men. Ramona professes that she is a master flirter and throwing herself at men just comes naturally. The trainer finally arrives and the workout begins. We learn Ramona is looking for a man who’s sexy, is as smart as her, and in his 50’s. Sounds easy enough, especially the second one.
Dorinda and Luann go for a walk. Luann says the hardest part of sobriety is going to restaurants. Whew! I thought she was going to say the hardest part is all her friends are drunks. Case in point, Dorinda tells Luann when she cleans out her liquor cabinet, to send the unused alcohol her way. The ladies stop at a breathtaking church to light candles for Luann’s continued success. Dorinda recommends that Luann meditate at the church to bring calm to her life, but in the next breath, tells Luann she should try speed dating with Carole.
Here we go! Carole arrives first and explains she’s invited five friends, though two of the five will only be observing. Dorinda and Tinsley. When Ramona arrives, she doesn’t waste any time and starts the interviewing process right way. She’s batting her eyes and flipping her hair – especially at Mr. Red Scarf. Sonja is chatty. Bethenny arrives because she’s now available. Sweater guy won’t commit. Here’s something interesting, Bethenny knows the guy Ramona is hitting on. They met in Miami and had lunch.
Let the speed dating mixer hosted by matchmaker, Rori Sassoon of Platinum Poire, begin! For the most part, there aren’t any real matches for the ladies. One guy has three kids, one guy has ruddy skin, and one guy doesn’t know what a cabaret show is. The horror! But if Ramona has her way, Mr. Red Scarf will be going home with her tonight. Tinsley and Dorinda watch in amazement as Ramona pounces on her prey. But their three-minutes are up and it’s time for the switch. Ramona is not happy.
Sonja and Luann are polar opposites tonight. Sonja has high energy, Luann has no energy. When Mr. Red Scarf gets to Bethenny, she mentions giving him a blow job as some kind of joke, setting the guy up to fail. If he says no, he’s a liar and if he says yes, he’s a pervert. The thing is, Bethenny’s not into him. She’s more interested in cock-blocking Ramona. Across the room, Ramona plants a kiss on a guy’s lips for telling her she looks 44.
The speed dating comes to an end. Funny story, the matchmaker wanted Carole to meet Red Scarf guy, but he was too busy being devoured by Bethenny and Ramona for that to happen. And he’s totally into Bethenny, but she’s like a cat swatting around a mouse just for fun. Ramona swoops in and delivers a tequila to Red Scarf guy, bending over perfectly.
Tinsley tells the ladies she has access to a beautiful home in Cartagena, Colombia, if everyone doesn’t mind putting their lives in danger. Ramona is super excited about it, but really she just wants Red Scarf dude to notice she’s the fun one. Over in the corner, Sonja and some guy with a stain on his shirt are talking dirty. Any second clothes are going to start flying. Fun fact: Sonja loves hand prints on her ass the next day.
Tune in next time for RHONY when they go to Colombia. Hopefully they don’t get on the wrong bus, but rumor has it they do get on the wrong boat.