Vanderpump Rules three-part reunion kicked off Monday night. Ariana Madix, Brittany Cartwright, Jax Taylor, James Kennedy, Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute, Lala Kent, Scheana Shay, Stassi Schroder, Tom Sandovall, Tom Schwartz, Lisa Vanderpump and new hostess, Billie Lee rehashed the season’s most defining moments. From Jax cheating on Brittany, the rumor that James slept with his best friend Logan, to the status of Stassi’s relationship with Patrick.
Before we begin, here’s the relationship update for Jax and Brittany – still together. Duh. Saw that coming. Stassi and Patrick – are over. Yes! Goodbye goober. And Scheana and Rob – done-zo. He dumped her two weeks after VPR wrapped. We’ll talk more about that later.
Here we go! Andy’s first question is for Jax. Why did he cheat with Faith? Brittany says she was blindsided because she and Jax were talking about having kids. Sandoval tells Jax he was a dick last season and because of his dickhood, he and Ariana got into their worst fight ever. So why did Jax cheat? He was trying to sabotage his relationship on purpose because he’s a child. Jax gets choked up as he explains the depth of his cowardly behavior.
We move onto Lala and why she came back on the show besides the obvious platform for her “music” and a paycheck. She said it was a safe place. WTF? Vanderpump Rules a safe place? Whatev. Scheana calls out Lala for being mean in her soundbites, even though on WWHL, Scheana claimed she was too busy to watch the show. Things aren’t good right now between the two former besties.
Next, Andy confronts James on whether he’s in the closet with Logan or any other dude. He says no, but nobody believes him. Lala explains James is not the white Kanye, he’s the white Ray J. Kristen says where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I’m going with Kristen’s analysis.
Onto Stassi and the Kool-Aid she was drinking when it came to Patrick. He was a jerk who used big words to laugh at Stassi when she didn’t know what they meant. Sounds like he’s compensating for something. Schwartz says he hated seeing Patrick “neutralizing Stassi in all her glory.” Who knew he had such deep thoughts. Everyone agrees when Patrick said Stassi could bang other guys, she just couldn’t date them, was the lowest. Stassi admits when she watched the show back she didn’t recognize the meek, submissive person she’d become. Stassi has learned that she wants to live her life and have someone love and accept her as is. Don’t we all.
Andy questions Ariana and Tom on their two month dry spell. Ariana says it was a combination of not wanting to be touched and Tom being too busy. Ariana gets a little explicit about their oral sex, I’ll spare you, but says they are a work in progress and she’s getting better with her body image.
Happily moving back to the topic of Jax, right after Christmas his father passed away from cancer. As Jax describes his last conversation with his father, and getting that phone call, he breaks down. Thank God for Brittany, Jax says. There were two funerals, the Tom’s went to Florida, and the girls, Stassi, Kristen and Rachel, girls who’ve all slept with Jax, went to Michigan. Scheana interjects that she would have been there if she could have. No one cares Scheana! Jax credits Brittany for taking care of everything and says they are now closer than ever…until he screws up again.
Onto club TomTom. The reason Lisa decided to go into business with her super-junior partners is because she adores them. Sandoval seems a little disappointed about his role in the club and Schwartz is just excited to be along for the ride. The guys think Lisa is spending too much money on décor, but her point is, she knows more than they do, so suck it. For the record, Lisa has not cashed their checks yet, so they really aren’t super-junior partners.
As for the pregnancy prank that Brittany pulled on Jax in Vegas, Jax says his dead dad has now taken over his body and he wants children. That’s not weird at all.
So what happened to Lala and Scheana’s friendship? Lala explains that when Scheana got the Sex Tips gig, she called to congratulate her friend and got nothing. Scheana apologizes and says she was dealing with her breakup from the amazing Rob and was very focused on being a successful Vegas actress. When Andy asks Scheana how she met Rob, she takes something that should be two sentences and makes it 20. Rob was a door guy at a club she went to. There. See how easy that was? Scheana says Rob would have broken up with her sooner, but he didn’t want her to have yet another breakup storyline. Scheana says this break-up was harder on her than her divorce. That sucks, especially for Shay.
Jax and Scheana get into a tiff over his repeating what Rob said on the boat about his not throwing around the words, I love you. Jax was just stirring the pot or deflecting, depending on who you listen to. Scheana says that Rob did tell her he loved her, just not a lot. Or a lot of kissing. Or a lot of going out with her unless Lala’s man called him. Andy asks Jax if he’s jealous of Rob like Scheana has suggested. Jax rolls his eyes, says yes, and asks Scheana how’d that work out for her. The cuss each other out. Jax yells that Scheana didn’t call him when his father died. Scheana says she texted. Wow. Way to reach out and touch someone.
Scheana gets up and walks off stage while Jax busts a gasket and goes on and on and on about everything. The vein in his forehead is bulging and I’m worried he’s going to have an aneurism. Jax remember your Reiki therapy. Maybe he should call Kelsey. It’s brought up by Jax and Scheana separately that he and Brittany went to Vegas. Scheana thought everything was great. Jax says Scheana only talked about herself and never asked about his dad.
Tune in next week for part two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion, to see Billie Lee and more debate on Jax and Faith.