The cast is buzzing about, as a jazzy beat opens this week’s episode of Southern Charm. Lots of random activities launch the episode — but Austen’s segment really delivers. He’s carefully smearing on a facial mask — the beauty fix a unique switch-up from daytime bar-hopping. We catch up with Cameran, who’s trying to bounce out her baby, while marveling over the best shower gift of all time — a loaner butler from Patricia. Michael is there to whip Cam into new mommy shape, and is clearly delighted to guide her through the rituals appropriate for any well-to-do mama. They debate the idea of homemade baby food, before Cameran enlists him to rub her third trimester feet. The scene is both adorable and naughty.
Meanwhile, Craig is groggy — but conscious enough to video chat with his parents. Craig’s either half-asleep or half-drunk as he explains the latest nosedive on his emotional rollercoaster with Naomie. Craig wishes that Naomie wouldn’t cut and run every time he backslides into embroidery, and thinks that a hired life coach/Uber driver can save him from himself.
Thomas and J.D. meet up for a good ol’ boys lunch next, to review J.D.’s dicey relationship with Elizabeth. J.D. explains that he and Elizabeth are working toward a friendship, as evidenced by their united front at the baby shower. Thomas remarks that the display was confusing, but supports the couple’s effort to co-parent peacefully.
A jaunty whistle intros a cracked phone call between Kathryn and Cameran. They chat about Patricia’s baby shower snub, and the touchy dynamic between Kathryn and the highfalutin hostess. Kathryn declares that she has matured, and is ready to let Petty Patty off the hook. She shares that she has set up a lunch date with Ashley, before we skip over to Shep, who’s canoodling with an unknown female. Peyton is introduced as one of Shep’s castoffs, who has moved back to Charleston from the west coast. Shep always stays friendly with his exes, and just as he begins busting out the old moves — he learns that Austen has already shuffled in for the kill. A repeat pattern is in play, which causes Shep to involuntarily twitch.
The meeting between Kathryn and Ashley plays out next, and while Ashley is dressed to impress, Kathryn is rocking a quasi bathrobe. The cameras zoom in on Kathryn’s battered fingernails as she mentally prepares, cracking her knuckles to stave off the jitters. Ashley arrives, obviously nervous about making a positive splash — even complimenting Kathryn on her on-point day-robe. Kathryn, evidently a reinvented teetotaler, gasps at the mere mention of a cocktail. She’s also annoyed by Thomas’ selfish silence, calmly informing Ashley that she needs to know the dirt on their romance, stat. The duo keeps it friendly, while Ashley explains some background info behind the decision to follow her heart to Charleston. She reveals that she met the kiddos on her first visit east, and Kathryn stifles an “A-HA!!!” — alleging in a confessional spot that such interaction is a custody agreement no-no. Kathryn keeps her cool, admitting that her signature loony-bird tantrums have been unproductive. They decide to keep the tone mature, and put the kids first — for now.
A filler scene with Cameran, Danni and Cam’s pal, Leva, who’s also pregnant, goes down next. The ladies drool into Danni’s wine glass, and discuss ways to safely combine drinking like fish and breastfeeding. Cameran hopes that her maternal instincts will kick in, and warm her cold dark heart. Chelsea’s clenched uterus is addressed next, in a sweet beach scene with her father, Ken. Chelsea shares her experience as a child of divorced parents, and how a local Hooters became a home away from home. Chelsea gives Ken an update on her status with Austen, and notes how hard it is to fend off the local hussies. Ken assures her that not everyone is meant to be married — and that one of her siblings can be be put in charge of pushing out a grandchild.
The girls and guys are splitting up for some bonding time, and Kathryn is excited — because it’s been years since she’s had even a TV girlfriend. Kathryn and Danni check into their overnight pad, where Kathryn dishes about her meeting with Ashley. Danni is impressed by Kathryn’s rehabbed maturity, and Kathryn’s relieved that someone noticed.
Meanwhile, Ashley shows off some prison themed bachelorette party favors to Thomas — good-naturedly jabbing at his tarnished past. Thomas is unimpressed — but Ashley’s excited to mug as a gold-digging trophy wife. Ashley fills him in on the meeting with Kathryn, and delivers a glowing report. Thomas looks unconvinced, but is happy to hear it. The ladies trickle into the hotel room, and Naomie shares that Elizabeth set her straight on her marriage — basically ordering her to butt her beak out of her biz forever. Chelsea takes her own shot at Liz, before nudging Naomie to take her friend’s advice.
The two groups congregate at separate establishments, and Whitney is along for the ride. Austen proudly announces his mission to shove Craig under the nearest barfly, as Bravo bounces us between the two groups. The girls giggle and chatter about Austen’s online dating desperation, and dish about their own sexual escapades — with men and/or machinery. Thomas offers his tried and true tips for picking up women, which Craig shoots down as senior and creepy. Austen agrees, but points out that Thomas’ game beats Craig’s, hands-down.
Naomie reveals that peace talks with her ex are ongoing, and that her strategy has officially veered into stalking. She admits that Craig’s every blip is being tracked, and that she’s rigged his phone to tip her off. As the men move on to the next party spot, Shep and Austen debrief about Peyton — who’s evidently serving as this season’s Chelsea. Austen pushes Craig into a gaggle of celebrating bridesmaids, but Craig can barely muster a smile, let alone interest.
Craig takes time for a haircut, giving him a chance to dissect the latest with Chelsea. Craig drones on about Naomie and their doomed love affair, while Chelsea snips at air, smoothing his semi-mullet. They agree that a final sit-down is in order. Naomie agrees.
The ex-couple meets up at a local eatery, hoping to talk through their mutual repulsion. Craig kicks off the fun by suggesting an instant reconciliation — despite the fact that they fight non-stop. Craig reveals that an uber-makeover is in the works, but Naomie snaps that she’ll believe it when she sees it. Craig is immediately put off by her apprehension, especially because he has followed through with three major must-dos in the last three years.
Naomie points out that he forgot about getting out of bed in the morning — but Craig questions why a noontime rise-and-shine must be labeled negative. They snipe back and forth until Naomie walks — her disgust validated and confirmed. Craig closes the episode assuming that Naomie’s flounce-out means the make-up sex is off.
Next week, Craig checks out the new it-girl, and Naomie plots her comeback attack.