Is it me, or has this been the longest season of Vanderpump Rules ever? We join Jax and Brittany as she splits from their apartment because Jax the jerk won’t leave after breaking up with her. Here’s a fun fact: Jax broke up with Brittany right after they had sex. Let’s hope there’s a special place in hell for Jax that doesn’t serve cocktails. He strolls down to Katie and Tom’s apartment like everything is just peachy. Jax then has the nerve to announce that although he’s a pretty decent human being, he sucks at relationships, and broke up with Brittany. Tom is unsure if it’s true this time and Katie is hopeful it’s true this time.
Up next, Lala is freaking out about her upcoming performance. She stops by SUR to see Lisa who gives her a pair of kinky boots. Lisa believes in Lala, but unfortunately won’t be there for the actual performance because she has better things to do plans in Vegas.
Next we join Tom and Ariana who are making drinks for Jeremy and Billie Lee at their apartment. Ariana tells her brother that she and Tom are going to look at houses. Tom is worried about this because 1) he’ll be alone with Ariana and 2) he’ll need to ask his parents for money. Tom gets a text from Schwartz that Jax broke up with Brittany and they need bro-time at his hotel stat. Ariana is pissed. Jax doesn’t deserve such devotion. But off goes the good servant Sandoval.
Over at Kristen’s place, Carter is there and I’m shocked they’re still together. Kristen tells him that Jax broke up with Brittany. Enough about them, Carter wants to know about Mexico and James. Kristen is sticking to her story that she did not get into the hot tub James, in fact, she never even went onto the balcony. Mmm-hmm. But Carter is willing to let this incident go for a BJ from Kristen.
It’s 11:30pm and the Tom’s show up with trash bags full of alcohol at Jax’s hotel. Jax says he’s been thinking of breaking up with Brittany ever since he met Kelsey because she deserves better. Sandoval asks Jax if he thought of that while he was nailing Brittany. Good one. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes, Jax did. With every thrust. Jax says he’s going to pass on Lala’s event. They say good, and tell Jax to move out and give Brittany the apartment.
Brittany is also staying at a hotel. Neither wants to risk seeing each other, so they’re each paying for hotels. Brittany and her friend Zack from Kentucky go over to Kristen’s house to discuss her broken relationship. Brittany says that even though she’s sadder than a kitten who just lost her ball of yarn, she’s reached her breaking point. Brittany says she’s ready to put herself first. Kristen takes this as a sign she’s ready to move on to Adam. Turns out, Brittany has already contacted him. It’s on!
We are house shopping with Tom and Ariana. The very first home they look at is a 2/2 which may or may not be the perfect place to have kids. The ugly faces Ariana makes, plus the comment that her handbags are her children, makes me think she doesn’t want kids. Tom wants a bunch. The realtor leaves them alone to talk. Ariana asks Tom what he would do if they were living here and Jax called because he had just broken up with a girlfriend. It’s simple. Tom would leave and go be with Jax.
Over at SUR, Lisa complains to Stassi, who is there to steal candles, that TomTom is months away from being finished, yet the Tom’s want to have a party in the dusty mess. Lisa then asks Stassi how she and Patrick are getting along – they aren’t. Lisa tells her love shouldn’t be this complicated. And it’s not. Patrick is a terrible boyfriend. Easy peasy. Brittany saunters by. Lisa gives the okay to take some time off if needed. Brittany is like, Heck no, the chickens will die. Besides she’s been embarrassed by Jax too many times and is completely numb by now.
The Tom’s are shopping for bartending uniforms, talking about their progress party, getting erections about their future. They try on several cool shirts, not realizing they are too expensive for drinks to be spilled on all night long. They talk about Jax and decide they won’t have sympathy or empathy if Jax and Brittany get back together in less than two months. Spoiler alert: they do.
Stassi is setting up for Lala’s performance. Lala and James love it. In fact, Lala takes back every horrible thing she’s ever said about Stassi – and that’s a lot. Lala warms up her vocals and isn’t half bad. Lisa calls and asks if Lala’s boyfriend will be there. Lala says maybe, but we all know he won’t. James is totally jealous of the rich bastard.
The gang begins to show up for Lala. We see Scheana who we haven’t seen in a while and Brittany who has brought out the twins to play. Lala has her magic boots and bathing suit on and is ready to sing. James joins in for a rap song and doesn’t suck either. Then it’s over. Everyone thinks Lala gave a way better performance than lip-singing-Scheana. Lala feels as if she’s finally found her place in this group of bad bitches and wants to have a pussyfest, whatever that means, but Ariana probably won’t like it.
The Tom’s call Jax and wake him up to tell him that Lala has IT. They ask him where Brittany’s sleeping tonight, when all they have to do is walk over and ask her. Jax asks how Brittany’s doing. The Tom’s look over and see Brittany whooping it up with Adam. They tell Jax she seems to be coping fine.
The following day Jax is struggling so he goes to see a real therapist. He would prefer to see Kelsey, but she’s out of town. Jax explains he’s hungover, he ended things with his girlfriend, the breakup was 90% his fault, and this is the first girlfriend he’s truly loved. It’s hard to tell if Jax is in pain from too much drinking or from the loss of a good woman.
Across town, Ariana goes with Brittany to her apartment to change clothes. Scheana stops by for whatever reason. So far Brittany hasn’t responded to any of Jax’s texts, but she has one message for him, Thanks for the boob job, asshole!
Back with Jax, he explains that he had to break up with Brittany because she deserves better than he can give, but is now realizing he will never find a better woman. Jax is very confused and somewhat near crocodile tears.
Tune in next week when Jax tells Brittany he’s moving down the hall, Stassi’s boyfriend tells Lisa she has a great ass, and Lisa asks Jax for his resignation.