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RECAP: #SouthernCharm Patricia Altschul Snubs Kathryn Dennis; Naomie Olindo Flips Off Elizabeth Madison!

Southern Charm begins in typical fashion — with the cast rolling out of bed, starting a new day. A cuddle sesh between Thomas and Ashley kicks off the episode — the happy couple starting the day in each other’s arms.

Over at Cameran’s, Patricia calls and informs the soon-to-be-mom that she’s throwing her a themed baby shower. The affair will be colorful and swanky, but Cameran is not allowed to invite anyone. Pat will be in charge, and Kathryn will be shoved off her porch if she dare show her face. A scene with Kathryn and the kiddos is featured next. She shares her thoughts about her new normal, while we watch the family interact. It’s been a rough road, but Kathryn is encouraged that the custody arrangement is on the right track. The children are darling, and although the dynamic appears a bit forced, the scene is sweet.

Back at the Ravenel’s Thomas is making Ashley breakfast in bed. The couple discusses the possibility of a surprise pregnancy, and we learn that their sidestep into Shep’s bathroom had nothing to do with sex. Ashley is tracking her cycles like a champ, because she has no interest in becoming a single parent. Thomas wants to be sure that he’s sure — but admits that Ashley is the complete package.

A lesson on birthing a baby is next — and an expert is on hand for the breathing party. Cameran’s husband doesn’t need coaching, so Whitney tiptoes into the unfamiliar, to help a girl score a little camera time. The pro assures Cameran that her bits will bounce back, and chuckles politely at Whitney’s awkward attempts at humor. The friends are directed into pelvis popping poses, while Whitney gropes his way through the exercises. Whitney gets more genuinely excited when he describes his mother’s plan to deliver a “super chic” 60’s/70’s themed baby shower. Cameran hints that perhaps Patricia could include “everyone,” but Whitney reminds her that his dear old mom is committed to keeping her space a Kathryn-free zone.

We shift gears and catch up with Austen, who’s busy basking in his unemployment. He’s jobless, but at least bar-famous, aka a beer moocher. Craig joins him, and Austen coaches his pal on how to bang a girl on a budget. Craig thinks that switching teams might be the answer — but when Shep shows, he changes his mind. They reminisce about Shep’s dinner party, and Craig shares his feelings about Naomie’s less-bitchy side. Naomie is playing manipulative mind games, and Craig needs closure.

We next witness Cameran’s “bam” ultrasound, and Chelsea is along for the show. Chelsea marvels over the miracle of new life, but Cameran is stuck in an emotionless stupor. Chelsea updates Cameran on the ongoing saga with Austen  one which does not include smooching. Austen is a bonafide bum, who evidently finds his self-worth on bar stools. Austen delivers a dose of self-analysis, shading Shep’s “mailbox money,”  but admitting that he needs to go to work one day. Austen behaves like he’s a top level researcher while swilling beer, until he’s beautifully checked by an over-it bartender. Austen is sick of being a beer peddler, and just wishes that someone would pay him to irritate bartenders all day long. 

A phone call between Thomas and his 91-year-old father is highlighted — and Thomas shares that his father is still lively and funny. Arthur likes Ashley — and approves of his son’s easy relationship.

We catch back up with Kathryn, who’s visiting Craig’s new home for the first time. Craig and Kathryn share a quirky connection, especially when those Bravo cameras are rolling. Craig shows off his sewing skills, and remarks that his craft has blanked out the echoes of Naomie’s disapproval. Craig points out that Ashley seems nothing but nice, which invites a twitch and nose scrunch from Kathryn. Kathryn believes that Thomas is being played — but Craig disagrees. Kathryn confirms that she played Thomas in NYC after the last reunion taping, but thankfully did not get knocked up this time.

It’s time to shower Cameran with blessings, and Patricia’s home is sprinkled with pink. We ricochet around the Charmers, who are all getting gussied up in their brightest colors. Naomie’s “gay bae” roommate is introduced, and her crusade to righteously correct the shared disdain between Patricia and Kathryn begins to take shape. The cast trickles into Patricia’s home, the bright ensembles inviting squinty cheers. Craig gifts Patricia with an assortment of handmade pillows, which she briskly hands off to the help. The mommy of honor arrives, and she’s thrilled by the retro rainbow explosion.

Naomie and Chelsea wonder why-oh-why Kathryn was left out in the cold, so Naomie stupidly decides to corner Pat — confrontation evidently her Season 5 shtick. Patricia lends an ear, but freezes over before Naomie can plead Kathryn’s case. Naomie comes across naive and meddlesome — evidently reluctant to switch up last week’s look. Pat notes that it’s déclassé to bug the hostess with immaturity, and Naomie is mortified by the brush-off. A crotch themed cake is presented, before Cameran gets to the gifts.

Naomie hogs Craig’s exhausted ear, and whines about her failure to sell a reformed Kathryn to Pat. Craig pats her head, and Naomie demands a progress report on Craig’s personal growth. Meanwhile, Cameran is practically in tears over Craig’s thoughtful baby gifts — embellished with his own homemade touches. Naomie morphs into Nagzilla, and pounds Craig with complaints, as if she owns his soul. Craig drops the zinger of the season when he defends his right to stitch his life away. He also sharply points out that he owns two homes — while Naomie’s parents still pay her way.

The episode shocker is dropped when J.D. and Elizabeth arrive as a couple. Naomie spins into a self-absorbed tizzy, assuming that their appearance is shining a bad light on her breakout performance at Shep’s. Whitney and Shep try to deliver a quick Marriage for Dummies tutorial, and Naomie pulls it together long enough to offer a stiff greeting. As the couple tries to mingle, Naomie is seething on the sideline at their united front.

Chelsea advises her to back it up, but Naomie’s pride is bruised by all of the disgusting togetherness. Apparently, the Madisons should surrender their intact family to protect Naomie’s street cred, because such an outrageous spectacle was not in her camera-hogging game plan. Elizabeth nudges the scowling gaggle to adjust their attitudes — and Naomie flips her the bird in response.

Next week, Kathryn and Ashley have their first solo sit-down, and Naomie’s awfulness continues.

 

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