Remember last week on Vanderpump Rules when Jax had a meltdown at SUR and flipped everyone off? We are here once again, mid-meltdown with Jax. What fun! He clearly needs to up his meds or quit his meds. After Jax storms off, Lisa has a sit-down with his enabling girlfriend Brittany to figure out why she keeps apologizing for Jax. Brittany explains it’s in her DNA to give Jax repeated chances, like her mama would. Lisa tells Brittany to ask herself if she and Jax have something worth fighting for. That would be a no, y’all.
The following day we join Katie who is woke from her angry-girl mentality, ready to celebrate the relaunch of her website Pucker & Pout. Stassi will be organizing the event because that’s what she does this season. Next year it will be something else. Katie informs Stassi not to invite Jax to the party. Katie asks Stassi if her other bad choice Patrick will be coming to the relaunch. Stassi explains that yet another relationship has bit the dust. The girls cheer themselves up getting high on helium.
We check in on Jax, at home, with a hangover. His ever-eager girlfriend Brittany gives Jax some coffee and Advil to help him feel better. Because it’s important he feels better. Brittany asks what set him off. Jax explains it was all Scheana’s fault – definitely not his. Brittany points out that Jax went off on everyone, not just Scheana. Jax wants to run from his problems and pursue his hockey dream career no one knew he had.
Lala is back in the studio, working on her gangsta music career. James is there, claiming he “discovered” Lala, who is “shitting bricks” about her upcoming showcase. The plan is to sing five songs straight through with no talking between songs. Won’t that be personable! Lala calls herself a “slutty Mother Theresa” for bringing together everyone for her showcase. Seriously? For Lala to be a “slutty Mother Theresa” she would have to give it away to the poor? And I think we all know that’s not happening.
The Tom’s visit club TomTom to see the progress. They put on hardhats and hard-ons, pretending they had something to do the place. Then Sandoval gets down on one knee and proposes to Schwartz that they become life partners. Schwartz tears up as he accepts the rose-gold initial cufflinks. He hopes the two of them have beautiful babies together. Ugh, these two.
So glad that’s over. Next we join Lisa and Ariana on a horse ride. They talk about the progress of club TomTom. Ariana whines that Sandoval is only working on the club and not the cocktail book she originally wanted to do by herself. Ariana says she would be done by now if it weren’t for Tom. Girl, you better hope lightening doesn’t strike. You know it can spook horses. Ariana asks about Jax’s employment status and Lisa confirms firing Jax is a possibility. Wow. They better hurry and do it before he quits to pursue his dream job.
The Pucker & Pout party is on at SUR. Everyone is impressed with the many balloons. Katie’s mom and G-Ma are very proud that Katie is getting her shit together and happy to be at such a classy event. Lala then announces she loves balls in her mouth – not just goat cheese balls. Kristen arrives on crutches because she “stubbed her foot” against the wall. Jax is sitting at home by his lonesome, eating ice cream. Back at SUR, Adam gives a special hello to Brittany. Brittany thinks Jax is jealous of Adam because he’s Jax from 10 years ago. It’s that old saying, Time is a thief and Jax’s modeling career was brief.
Across the party, Carter is standing with Sandoval and Peter, asking about their time in Mexico, as he shoots dirty looks at James. Sandoval and Peter suddenly have selective amnesia about their time with James on the golf course. Carter presses them for exactly what James said. Sandoval steps in a big pile of mierda as he mentions the hot tub. Carter is like, What hot tub? Sandoval is like, The hot tub with the strategically placed cushions. Carter asks why Sandoval and Peter never have Kristen’s back. Sandoval is like, Because she’s a cheating, lying skank.
Carter makes his way over to Kristen, who is sitting next to some dude, talking about dogs. Carter asks Kristen why she’s always talking to more dudes. Then he confronts Kristen on the hot tub accusation. Kristen’s denies it because technically it was a plunge pool, which is totally different than a hot tub. In fact, Kristen denies ever being in the plunge pool with James at all. Poor Carter, he’s not sure what to believe because of Kristen’s history. Kristen grabs her crutches and hobbles off very slowly, grunting all the way.
The Tom’s arrive at the party and compliment each other’s attire. It’s like suddenly nobody else is in the room, as they gaze at each other’s clothes. Ariana interrupts the love-fest to say that her cocktail book would be completed if not for Sandoval working on the club. Seriously, Ariana? I think we all know Ken and Lisa are doing all the heavy lifting.
Jax is having an existential crisis at home. Not only is Brittany out without him, but Kelsey is in Africa on a journey. Jax is all alone with his thoughts – which is a scary place to be. A flashback is shown of Kelsey explaining to Jax the reason he’s mean and cheats on Brittany is so she will break up with him. Wrong! Brittany will never break up with Jax. Some reiki master you are.
Back at the lipstick party, Brittany and Stassi take shots of Tequila, then take shots at Jax. Stassi tells Brittany she deserves better than Jax. She asks Brittany what if she’s wasting the best years of her life – like Stassi is. Stassi lets Brittany know in advance that if she and Jax get married, don’t invite her. Girl, please. Stassi will show up just to interrupt the ceremony and say why these two shouldn’t marry.
The following day Patrick stops by Stassi’s house to make her feel bad about herself and put down her dreams. Stassi tells Patrick they need to be more consistent. They sit down to discuss this thought and Patrick tells Stassi she has killed off the Starks. Excuse me Patrick, but you are not in the Game of Thrones. What is he talking about? Patrick dumbs it down for us and explains that it’s never just a war with Stassi, she always turns it into battle. Hey idiot, it’s the other way around.
Over at Katie and Tom’s, he’s cooking their anniversary dinner, talking about having two boys, a house in the hills, seven dogs, and a lama. Yep, Tom’s all growed-up. Katie says she used to hate herself 10 years ago, after her skylight accident, but feels great today. And she owes it all to her drunk husband. They recreate the moment of their first dance as husband and wife – for five seconds.
And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Jax comes home, ready for the we-need-to-talk, talk with Brittany. He explains he’s very unhappy and has been very unhappy for a very long time. Brittany interrupts, offended he’s so very unhappy. This annoys Jax because this is about him, not about her. Jax tells Brittany she deserves to be treated like a princess, but he cannot be her prince. Brittany says she doesn’t understand. Jax tries again. He’s not happy with himself, therefor it’s not going to work out. After Brittany argues that she’s wasted all these good months on him, she tells Jax to get out.
Suddenly Jax is like, Wait, you want me to leave just because I broke up with you? Jax won’t leave so Brittany gets in her car and drives off, not realizing this is a blessing in disguise.
Tune in next time for the aftermath of Jax and Brittany which is not very shocking and for Lala freaking out before her showcase which is not very gansta.