Welcome back mi amigo to Vanderpump Rules and the new spin off show called: Will we ever get out of Mexico? We begin with Stassi, Katie and Kristen going to the beach for a relaxing day. NOT! Rumor has it that Kristen and James hooked up the night before. Eww. But that’s what the guys are saying. So what really happened? Step inside the magic time machine so we can travel back 12 hours.
We are back at Mexican SUR, right after Scheana told Jax why she set Brittany up with another guy. Jax walks off, James takes over as the DJ, and the crowd goes wild. Even Jax is back, having fun, forgetting all about Scheana and her toxic meddling. Kristen is sloppy drunk, split-humping the floor, and this turns James on. Kristen tells James how much fun she is despite the fact that she’s not. The gang decides to head back to the hotel and call it a night – with the cameras. Apparently everyone kept on drinking.
So it’s the following morning and we are shown both Kristen’s empty bed and James’ empty bed. Cut to Jax and Brittany in bed as Jax tells Brittany he’s not mad at her, he’s hating on Scheana, but whatever because he wants to act out a scene from Law & Order. Jax tells Brittany that James and Kristen were still in their hot tub at 7:30 in the morning, drinking Tequila. Brittany asks if they were hooking up like farm animals. Jax says the smoking gun is the “oddly arranged pillows.” Dun, dun, duuuhhn! Oddly arranged pillows can mean only one thing – James and Kristen were pushin’ the cushions.
Back in LA, Ken has brought home another dog. She’s the cutest pooch ever. Ken wants to keep the cute mutt for a couple of days and see if he fits in. The mutt reminds Lisa of James, which is a great reason to send him back to the pound. But Ken wants to keep him so we’ll see who wins this.
Back at the hotel, roses are delivered to the room for Lala. They are from her man. When Lala asks Scheana if Rob ever sends her flowers, Scheana says what all girls who don’t receive flowers say – they hate flowers. That’s right. Scheana hates being sent beautiful, innocent flowers that give off a delicate scent which can bring enormous joy and calm to a person’s life. Scheana is a flower-hater because they “just wilt and die” like her self-worth. But it gets ridiculous when Scheana claims she doesn’t like presents from the amazing Rob. Or kisses. Or affection. Or those three important words. Scheana is a simple girl with simple needs who gives herself whatever she simply wants. And that’s just sad if Scheana really believes this.
The guys are unsuccessfully trying to play golf. Schwartz only remembers bits and pieces of last night, can’t get out of the golf cart, and will most likely get a hurl in one. Poor Sandoval can’t hit the ball to save his life, but looks good and that’s all that matters. James is still drinking, driving the cart on the tees, and flipping the guys off as he drives by.
Jax tells some of the guys his hunch about James and Kristen. James walks up so Sandoval asks him if it’s true. James says, “Lil bit, but not really.” Jax shows a photo of the “oddly arranged pillows” as evidence. James says he took a nap on those pillows. He whines that Kristen isn’t hot or sexy and he loves Raquel, and then starts to cry.
Brittany and Scheana are getting a massage, but don’t shut up long enough to enjoy it. Scheana says she’s glad Jax is insecure about his relationship with Brittany – just like she is with Rob. The girls move onto the subject of James and Kristen. Did they or didn’t they.
Over at Stassi’s room, the cat finally drags in Kristen at 8:30am. She drops her clothes, gets in the shower, and says she doesn’t remember much of last night. Mmm-hmm.
Ariana, Lala, Scheana and Brittany meet up at the spa. They talk about how late everyone stayed up. Scheana tells the girls that Kristen and James most likely hooked up, but maybe not. Lala has an interesting “dick theory.” What’s that, you say? It’s the philosophy that once the dick has entered one of the orifices, it’s easier for said dick to make re-entry. Scheana points out that if Jax knows, soon Carter and Raquel will too.
Back in LA, Lisa is at the site of TomTom. Ken stops by with Schnookie, so I guess they are keeping the gorgeous mutt. Lisa explains the ambiance of the club and wonders why she isn’t in Mexico partying. They discuss poor little Brittany and her clueless capacity when it comes to Jax, her man of the world. Ken recalls being a man of the world long, long, long ago. Lisa disagrees.
We have come full circle and are back on the beach with Katie and Stassi confronting Kristen with her bad deeds. Kristen says, “Bull-effing-shit” as her denial. Stassi says Kristen’s always putting herself in these situations, getting blacked-out wasted. Kristen says she would never cheat on Carter, but girl, please, nobody believes you because you already have. Kristen has lied about having sex with Jax and with James, but has the audacity to get pissed that Stassi and Katie don’t believe her.
The rest of the gang, sans James, joins the girls on the beach. Right away Kristen is on the attack and wants to know what James said. We then learn that Schwartz was so drunk the night before he wandered off the property and wound up at a different resort. Schwartz has no clue how lucky he was things didn’t go sideways. Katie says this is the final straw and puts him on a drinking time-out. Jeremy goes to his room to check on James and tells him Kristen is livid.
The good news is, the gang is going out to dinner for their last night in Mexico. Ole! Sandoval went to a lot of trouble to get colorful, polyester short suits for the guys, but Jax and Schwartz won’t wear them because it’s too hot. Speaking of Schwartz, he looks like crap. Binge-drinking is not his friend. Stassi says she’s jealous of sick of the people at the table who only look at their phones, like James, Lala, and Scheana. Turns out, she and Patrick are in a fight and aren’t talking. Who knew they were still together? And Kristen can hardly sit still, brimming with contempt while James calmly asks for a cocktail menu.
Ding, ding, ding. Sandoval gets up in his polyester animal print and makes a speech about the trip and asks that everyone come visit club TomTom next week. But wait, Kristen has something to say. She accuses James of saying they hooked up. James denies it. The guys confirm that James said they fooled around a “lil bit.” Kristen tells James he’s lucky she doesn’t knock him out and toss him across the room. But this is what happens when people get stupid drunk and can’t remember shit.
James calls Kristen an attention seeker and tells her to shut up. So what does Kristen do? She proves him right and throws her drink at him. Lala starts yelling. James calls Kristen a bunch of derogatory names that make me want to knock his ass across the room. He and Lala walk out, Stassi follows, talking shit. Everyone is pissed off and the trip is ruined because everyone is a jerk.
Tune in next week for Kristen’s damage control with Carter and Jax getting kicked out of SUR by Lisa.