Hola! We are still in Mexico with Vanderpump Rules. Only three hours into the trip and the group has already gotten into a massive fight over Jax’s hockey dream-job offer in Tampa, and his dismissive treatment of Brittany. Everyone is shitfaced drunk and has split into two groups. Kristen is the drunkest in her group, and James is the winner in his when he demonstrates he can open beer bottles with his teeth. Seriously? Why don’t the Brits like their teeth?
The groups are basically the girls and the guys, except for Ariana – she’s with the guys. The guys have a dance off and drink, while the girls drink, get naked and go into the ocean. Both groups are trying way too hard.
Back in LA, we are at SUR with Lisa as she checks in with Billie Lee. Billie shares that Scheana is trying to set up Brittany with Adam. Lisa doesn’t like this, not because she has an affinity to Jax, but because this will wreak havoc on her restaurant. And it probably will. Lisa tells Billie to tell Scheana to butt out. And she probably won’t.
So in case you were wondering, Lala needs her ba-ba to go to bed at night because she’s a baby and must suck on something until she falls asleep. Her boyfriend is one lucky guy. Over at Schwartz and Katie’s room, they are sloppy wasted, eating in bed. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Stassi. She and Kristen have had a fight so Stassi jumps in bed with the couple because that’s what she does since nobody wants to sleep with her.
The following morning everyone is hungover, but they must get up early and go to a water park. Jax is on the balcony, seemingly sober, reflecting on last night’s drama. He’s rubbing the negativity rock on his forehead, given to him by the amazing Kelsey. Brittany leaves Jax alone so he can get his rock off.
The gang arrives at the water park ready to get their drinks on. Stassi confides to an uncaring Ariana how she can’t room with Kristen because she’s cray-cray. Elsewhere, Scheana asks Kristen about her night with Stassi and she says Stassi is playing the victim. So finally Kristen and Stassi have a talksy. Stassi explains this is her trip, too, and she doesn’t want to be a hostage to Kristen’s craziness. Kristen is like, Girl, you’re a bitch when you’re drunk – and you’re always drunk. And Stassi is like, Bitch, I’m never inviting you anywhere ever again because you can’t handle it. Kristen gives in and says they are both at fault, but Stassi disagrees and says Kristen is 100% at fault for getting homesick.
Brittany finds Jax who is all alone in the water, contemplating life. Brittany is excited to share with him that she saw the cutest darn lemur family this side of the Gulf, y’all. They discuss Florida and Jax says he thought Brittany would immediately be on board. She’s actually on the white picket fence. Jax wants to leave LA – so he can run away from his problems.
A little bit later, James can’t resist crawling up Jax’s butt, like an amoeba. James tells Jax that Scheana tried to set up Brittany with the new bar back. Jax is trying to channel his inner Kelsey, but he doesn’t have his negativity rock to bounce off the heads of James and Scheana. Bummer!
Back at the hotel, pretty boy James gives a lesson in how to use a travel steamer; Katie shares with Schwartz that he has a dad-bod which is good because she has a mom-bod; the amazing Rob can’t get off the phone fast enough with Scheana; and Kristen and Stassi are still annoying.
In LA, Lisa is making a new recipe for Ken, but he’s bored by her conversation of the naughty, alcoholic Tom’s.
Back at the resort, Jax tells Brittany what James said. Brittany confirms Adam does have a crush on her and it’s all coming from Scheana. Jax is pissed that the girls, especially Scheana who should worry about her own one-sided love affair, keep inserting themselves into their relationship. Jax doesn’t get it. If he would stop being a cheating douche bag, the girls would stop telling Brittany she can do better.
The gang goes out to dinner and you’ll never guess the name of the restaurant: SUR! They begin the evening with shots. Lala is not happy with James being so enamored with Jax. She says he’s like a girl who’ll give it up on the first date – and she should know. Scheana won’t shut up about how it takes Rob seven minutes to have sex hang a television set. Sandoval calls Lisa to give a drunken hello from the south of the border SUR and Schwartz is jealous he doesn’t have her number.
Jax and Sandoval go to the bathroom together, like real men do, and Jax tells him that Scheana is trying to set up Brittany with Adam. Sandoval agrees Scheana has crossed a line. Back at the table, Lala shares with the girls how badly James was bullied growing up in the UK, to the point where one mean kid twisted his leg until it clicked. The bullying didn’t stop until he moved to America and all the kids were fascinated with the funny way he talked.
Scheana gives a toast to thank Brittany for organizing the trip and how much everyone loves her, even if she goes to Florida with Jax. Jax’s bullshit detector is beeping, but who cares, let’s go shopping for Mexican penis flutes. Everyone should play a Mexican penis flute. It doesn’t look absurd at all to play a Mexican penis flute.
At a local bar, Sandoval confronts shady-Scheana about setting up Brittany and Adam. She plays coy, but no one’s falling for that little-girl act anymore. Jax joins them and says he doesn’t have a problem with a bartender having a crush on Brittany, he has a problem with Scheana setting it up. Because this isn’t about Brittany deserving better. This is about Scheana seeking retaliation on Jax for saying Rob wasn’t in love with her. And just when I’m leaning on Jax’s side, he goes and says something rude to Brittany – If she were going to leave him, she would have done it by now. Ouchie-wah-wah! So true.
Tune in next week to see James and Kristen get into a cocktail-throwing argument while still in Mexico. Hope these guys have security with them.