Welcome to Vanderpump Rules where fun is always on the menu. We are going to have an up close and personal view of Ariana’s hoo-haw this week when she gets electrolysis. Won’t that be fun! Soon she will be able to say, “I love my vagina.” In the meantime, Ariana and Tom reminisce about Vegas and how it was the best trip ever! Except for the part where the Tom’s got too drunk, overslept and were late for their meeting with Lisa, and that made her very mad. Other than that it was perfect.
Onto James who is so excited dear ole dad, Andros, is crossing the pond for a visit. If you watch RHOBH, he’s like PK but with bad teeth. As the two bond over alcoholic choices, Raquel reminds James he’s not supposed to drink tonight, per Lisa. Lisa arrives and tells us when she first met Andros, he was on a plane with George Michael, plus he and Ken go way back. Andros wants to drink with his son, a.k.a. the Gov’na, but Lisa shuts that down.
Over at Hooters, Brittany, Lala, and Scheana are decorating for Jax’s 38th birthday party. Why are they helping? They hate Jax. And why is Brittany trying so hard to please a cheating douche bag? Cause her mama told her so! Jax and his inner child arrive and both are happy. Scheana asks to speak to Jax alone. She wants to know why he’s going around telling people Rob doesn’t love her. He does! OMG! He loves her to the moon and back. The man worships the ground she walks on. Okay, Jax?! Like, just because Rob doesn’t like kissing, or saying “I love you” it’s no big deal. Scheana leaves with Lala and tells Jax to have a happy effing birthday. The Tom’s give Jax and themselves man-rompers, all three change into the outfits and share a bad fashion birthday moment.
Next we join Stassi and Billie Lee over at Kristen’s house so they can pretend to cook. Billie tells the girls that Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked her out on a date. Isn’t that great? Apparently not. The girls immediately inform Billie about creepy Jeremy. “When I was at Katie and Tom’s wedding I got really freaked out by Jeremy,” Stassi recalled. “He was being creepy. He would not leave me alone. It just gave me a really sick feeling in my stomach.” They advise Billie to go to a public place with him, but have fun.
Elsewhere Brittany and Scheana are having brunch. Brittany says no-can-do on the Tequila since she’s still hanging from Jax’s party. Scheana tells Brittany she wishes Brittany had a man who loved her like Rob loves her. WTF? Here’s what Scheana is trying to say, Girl, you deserve better. Scheana wants to set Brittany up with the new bartender at SUR, Adam. But mostly Scheana wants to eff up Jax’s relationship just like she promised.
The Tom’s show up on-time to an appointment with Lisa and Ken at the construction site. Schwartz is wearing sandals because his mommy didn’t lay out the proper clothes. The task given to the Tom’s by Lisa is to create their own cocktail. Sandoval is thinking dry ice because that’s yummy when it sticks to your lips and burns them.
Next, Lala and Billie Lee stop by Scheana’s place to help Billie get ready for her date with creepy Jeremy. Scheana thinks they’ll be a perfect match because they both smoke pot. Billie tells the girls what Kristen and Stassi said about Jeremy. Lala is pissed because she’s trying so hard to act like she likes everyone this season and it’s about to be ruined. “Stassi drives me f**king crazy,” Lala admitted. “Katie and Stassi tend to say things that ultimately affect people’s lives. I’m not ok with it.”
They find a cute outfit for Billie and she and Lala leave. Lala is going to hang out with Billie until creepy Jeremy arrives. He arrives. Lala leaves. The date begins. Jeremy says he’s cool with the whole transgender thing.
It’s time for more father/son bonding. We learn that during James’ christening, George Michael dipped James into the holy water a little too long, then spit on him. Apparently this is good. Things used to be good for Andros before he and George Michael had a falling out and Andros lost everything. Andros is still in England, pursuing music, and this makes James cry because he misses his daddy very, very much.
Lisa drops by SUR to congratulate her son on getting a $2,000 tip. Wowza! What was the tab? Ariana tells Lisa what the mean girls are saying about Jeremy. Did you know that Jeremy saved SUR from burning to the ground? And so did the fireman, but apparently Jeremy was a big help, too. Lisa confesses she misjudged Jeremy in the past, so hopefully a couple hundred Benjamins will fix that.
The girls are all going out together to support Brittany. I’m not sure if this is a weekly meeting for Brittany or what. We learn that Ariana got all of her hair removed from her hoo-haw with a strangely placed flashback of the office visit. She still doesn’t “love her vagina” but the procedure was a breeze for Scheana.
Lala announces she wants to talk about the elephant in the room. She calls out Stassi for calling out Jeremy for being creepy. Stassi says she and Kristen told Billie to go and have fun, just be around other people. Scheana abruptly leaves. (I’m sure there’s more to this, but yawn.) Katie sticks up for Stassi and explains that Jeremy was predatory at her wedding last season and hit on Stassi. Ariana leaves next. The night to support Brittany is crumbling faster than one of Jax’s lies.
Jax is at home banging on his electronic drums, another gift from his girlfriend for his birthday. Hasn’t Brittany learned you don’t reward bad behavior from training her dogs? Anyway, Sandoval drops by to make some music with Jax. Then he leaves and goes down the hallway to Schwartz’s place and yells at Katie, Kristen, and Stassi who are there to make perfume. Sandoval tells them to shut up about creepy Jeremy or they had better watch themselves. Katie kicks her husband’s best friend/life partner out of the apartment. Who should Schwartz run after? He is frozen with uncertainty.
Down the hall, Brittany gets a call from her dad. She hasn’t told her dad yet about Jax’s cheating because she’s scared. Her dad says, Told you so. He cautions Brittany that at 38 Jax is incapable of change. Jax is eavesdropping, and joins her after the call. He’s upset that Brittany had aired their dirty laundry again. Maybe if Jax would stop dragging their laundry through the mud, it wouldn’t get dirty. Brittany tells Jax he can never cheat again, or that’s it. So what does Jax do? He flips it. Jax tells Brittany she’s not perfect either and there’s a reason they called her “Brattney” growing up. (Because it’s funny.) Jax tells Brittany if she’ not happy, maybe she should move on. Finally, Jax is making sense!
Lala, Scheana, Ariana, and Brittany all go out. They are joined by Adam, Jeremy and Billie Lee. Brittany and Adam are getting their flirt on, y’all. Jax would be so jealous. The group trashes Stassi even though Stassi wasn’t the only one trashing Jeremy. Scheana and Brittany step away for a sec and Scheana tells Brittany to wake up or she’ll be 32, unmarried, with no kids, like her. I beg to differ. I think Brittany will be 32, unmarried, with kids. Anyway, Brittany tears up and explains she’s madly in loves with Jax and can’t help it. Scheana says she knows better than anyone about the time wasted when one lies to themselves. OH REALLY? Breaking news everyone. Scheana lies to herself.
Pack your bags! We are going to Mexico next week and Hurricane Lala is coming for Jax.