Two months will pass on tonight’s episode of Sister Wives — because right off the bat, Maddie announces that she is only seven months pregnant. Maddie has been pregnant simply foreverrrrr — and is doing the birth plyg-style — earning that homespun TLC check. A midwife will be on hand for the in-house bloodbath — but no pain management is allowed. Caleb appears nervous about the plan, and swears that he will drag his wife to the hospital if things get dicey. Maddie is planning a water squat, hoping that it will help the pain. Christine has done it both ways, and in a flashback, appears to be surprised that a hospital birth also produces a newborn.
We shift gears and check in with Kody, who has agreed to accompany the family castoff to Utah, to check out her antique bachelorette pad. Therapist Nancy recommends that he actually share the same air space as Meri, so Kody suggests an audio book to pass the torturous together time. Kody says goodbye to the others, clinging to his three more agreeable wives. Kody doubts that the house will work out, and Meri knows that she needs to come up with the cash on her own. Kody reminds us of the family’s flunky march on the Utah capitol, and how the current bill will make them impressively intense criminals. The gang hears that the bill passed, and Kody wants to cry, puke — or maybe both.
Kody hears from a newspaper reporter, and calls in to share a self-righteously appropriate comment. Meri amps the drama by reporting that the new law makes them super felons, and Kody continues to brazenly blame lawmakers for the evil that goes on in plural cults. Kody distinguishes religious loons from common bed-hoppers, forgetting that he represents both groups. He snarks that he and Mare are in the clear, because he hasn’t seen her lonely bed in years. Meri is peeved that Kody can’t keep his yapper shut, but Kody believes that he should shout their issues from the rooftops. SIGH.
The pair meets Meri’s mother at the house, and Kody is immediately stressed. Kody is uninterested, but Meri is joyous, as is the owner — who has put on a Vegas top and a convincing shimmy—ready to sell a dream. Meri shows Kody the photos of Meri’s crabby relatives, and Kody immediately distances himself from old-time polygamists. Meri offers to name all the rooms Robyn, if Kody coughs up the cash. Kody isn’t thrilled with the structure or the decor, but is mesmerized by the owner. He kinda hates the house, but finds Victoria irresistible. They all sit down to talk business, and Kody shares his concern about being a plural investor in Utah. Meri is giddy over the podunk town, and Kody is thawing, especially if it gets Mare out of his hair. Meri’s heart is already in the house, but Kody’s furrowed brow is worried about the numbers.
Meri realizes that she needs to generate business to pay the bills. Kody is baffled by the mystical real-estate connection, but knows that two large houses for two people is not the brightest set-up. Meri later breaks the news of Kody’s turnaround to the other wives, and Kody cosigns — describing the house tour as “magical.” The wives are shocked by his whimsical verbiage, and agree that Meri’s mother better get ready to roll up her old lady sleeves. Kody clarifies that he has no interest in joining Meri there — ever. He then abruptly jumps ship, and reminds everyone that this is all on Meri — and no one else. The ladies stick up for Meri, but Kody still votes no on an emotional decision — about a dozen times. Kody has shifted from prince to jerk-wad in a flash — admitting that he was suckered in by Victoria’s purple spangles. Meri tells the camera that she is making her dream come true, no matter what these bitches say.
We jump forward two months, and get the word that it’s baby birthing time. Kody and the wives are excited, so they surround Maddie, and watch her roll around on a ball, like a trained seal. The family continues to swap opinions about when the baby will arrive — their clueless commentary mind numbing. April, the midwife, later arrives, and clues them in that this could be a marathon, and probably not a sprint.
The ladies chatter about who gets what granny name, and as Maddie lumbers around, the baby looks like he’s about to fall out onto the pavement. Janelle is bewildered, because she normally sleeps through all home births. Robyn coaches Maddie to squat through a contraction, and hours, hours, and more hours pass. Maddie decides to go to work — which apparently involves sorting fugly clothing over at Meri’s empty house. Maddie’s spotty labor drags on and on, and the Browns take turns delivering simpleton analysis on the miracle of natural birth.
The real pain finally kicks in, and Maddie officially looks like death. Kody requests the play-by-plays, and tells his daughter’s uterus to get a move on. Maddie flops into the tub, preparing for the real deal, in a cluttered, grubby bathroom. Janelle almost singsongs encouragement, and Maddie’s silent response is Janelle’s cue to reassure Maddie that the good mother is on her way. Due to Janelle’s heavy work schedule, the kids prefer ditzy over sleepy, which is a-ok with her. Christine can’t wait to coach Maddie to the finish line, and wants to be there until the bitter end. Maddie is pale and still beached in the tub — proving once again that there is nowhere this family won’t go for a TLC buck.
Christine babbles nonsense, creating a fantasy scenario where a healthy pregnancy means an easy delivery. The second string midwife shows up, and Janelle is thrilled that they didn’t get the fourth in command. Maddie has only dilated one more centimeter, and Kody continues to fill in the blank time by babbling like an ignorant buffoon. Kody informs us that women actually DIE in childbirth — the lightbulb going off after only 18 children. Kody hauls lawn chairs tub-side, so everyone can be comfortable, while Maddie suffers. Caleb rightly finds the audience weird, but Robyn is cool with two of the younger girls prattling questions. April appears, and Maddie finally kicks out the cameras.
TLC keeps the screams coming, and poor Maddie is exhausted. She shifts between bed and bath — and the ordeal is beyond. Maddie decides to ditch the tub, as Mariah and Audrey arrive — the duo and Mare giggling their entrance. The atmosphere is bloody creepy, so they decide to get out while they can. Maddie finally enters a pushing marathon, and eventually pops out her baby boy. Maddie looks half dead, but everyone else is overjoyed. Glad you made it Axel!
A family therapy session goes down next week — and it doesn’t look pretty.