#VanderpumpRules Brittany Rocks Jax’s World With Pregnancy Scare In Vegas!

We’re off to Vegas, baby! Half of the Vanderpump Rules cast is going, half are not, and what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay there. The Tom’s screw up and Lisa is forced to rethink things. But first we begin with the new and improved SUR after the fire. Lisa shows the Tom’s the new chandeliers and explains this is the whole reason for the trip to Vegas, to meet with the light guy. Got it? Sandoval’s birthday is secondary.

Next we join Lala and Scheana at the recording studio. Last time Scheana was here she was “rapping” and still married to Shay. But today it’s Lala’s turn. Apparently she has a “plethora” of experience from high school musicals so this should be a treat. Lala has hired a team of artists including Blk Elviz. Again, what a treat. The song Lala will be singing was written for her man, the rich guy bankrolling this foray, but let it be known that Lala is using her blowjob money on this project. Girl power!

Lala sings for ten seconds, then it’s all about Scheana. She shares with Lala that Jax is going around telling people that although Rob loves Scheana, he isn’t in love with Scheana. Like, that is so untrue. He adores Scheana. OMG, it’s the real deal, they’ve picked out baby names. Lala is true friend when she says to Scheana, So what?

Over at Katie and Schwartz’s place, they are packing for Tom’s big-boy meeting in Vegas. Down the hall, Jax and Brittany are also going, but Jax is talking strip clubs. The gang arrives in Vegas. The Tom’s and the girls are staying in a VIP 2-bedroom suite paid for by Lisa. Jax and Brittany are staying in the economy section. The six head out to the pool to get the weekend of drunken debauchery started.

Back in LA, Lala, Billie, and Scheana are getting their drinks on. Billie is an emotional mess because her man won’t commit because he can’t get over that Billie once had a penis – bigger than his from the sounds of it. Anyway, Scheana of course makes the moment about herself and tells Billie, sometimes you’re with the wrong guy, like Shay, and then you find the most perfect man on the planet, like Rob, who adores you forever and ever. Boring topic so Lala announces she’s going to hire Stassi to plan her performance event for the song. James will also be performing, unless he gets trashed. Odds are probably 50/50. Lala becomes teary because James is her boy, not her man.

Back in Vegas, the girls are getting all dolled up for a night of partying. Brittany and her saggy twins stroll in and announce she needs to pee on a stick on account of she and Jax only practice safe sex when he’s not too drunk to pull out. Unfortunately we have to wait for the answer because Jax needs to hear the news first. False alarm, y’all! Can I get an amen! Jax is actually a little disappointed, though he’s mostly relieved.

Stassi and Lala are meeting to discuss her showcase event over sake shots. These two used to hate each other, now they tolerate each other. Stassi admits she’s not a concert-goer type-person so Lala basically tells Stassi what she wants, which is for her to babysit James. But it’s what Lala says in her testimonial that gives us insight into the inner-workings of Lala. She is “ready to spread her legs.” Hand to God, that’s what Lala said. She meant, spread her wings, of course, but I believe that’s called a Freudian nip-slip.

Let’s gamble! And drink! And do shots! Food and water are for pussies! But give the Tom’s some credit, the gang shuts it down at two a.m. and wake up in time for their meeting with Lisa and Ken at the dining and glassware warehouse. Lisa’s visions for club TomTom is “industrial, romantic, sexy, with Edison bulbs.” The boys have no clue what good taste is, but Lisa and Ken are impressed by their professionalism – so far. Lisa wishes Sandoval a happy birthday, but reminds them they have a ten a.m. appointment the following morning with the light guy. They reason they are in Vegas.

At the hotel, Jax surprises Sandoval with a new guitar for his birthday. Deep, deep, down, under the flab and lies, is an artery hardened, heart of gold. The Tom’s, Ariana, and Katie are dining at Mr. Chow as Sandoval’s birthday present from Lisa. Jax and Brittany weren’t invited because Lisa’s still pissed at Jax, so they’ll be dining at Hooters.

Back in LA, James is having a photo shoot in his apartment while Lala and Raquel look on. Lala shares that during her time at the studio, she put Scheana in the booth to sing, “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.” Lala says the bitch is tone-deaf and her part will be cut. James asks if Lala’s man will be present for the showcase. What a shocker, no he won’t. He’s busy working on real life stuff, while Lala works on fake life stuff. James is particularly upset about this, but is told he’s not allowed to drink at the showcase. He pouts and says okay, but the odds are now 60/40 not in his favor.

After the foursome devour the quacktastic duck, they meet up with Jax and Brittany and get this party started. Tom gets the VIP birthday treatment with a golden shower of confetti and a giant cupcake. Schwartz is trashed by midnight and tries to pull down Sandoval’s pants, when he’s not drinking straight from the bottle. The guys eventually make it back to their rooms after three a.m.

The following morning, Lisa and Ken are meeting with Pandora and Jason to see their new wine label, Vanderpump Rose, which will be served at Caesar’s Palace. The Tom’s are a no-show because they are hurting like hard. They drag themselves out of bed and finally arrive an hour late. They didn’t have time to shower and reek of rancid alcohol and cigarettes. Lisa is not impressed, and for the 315^th time is questioning her judgment to go into business with the Tom’s.

Off they go to see the light guy, but the Tom’s are getting on Lisa’s last nerve because they’re still drunk and won’t STFU. She needs to smack them on the nose, like one of her dogs, who are actually better behaved. The boys find themselves getting ejected from the meeting, and Sandoval tries to interrupt while the grown-ups make decisions, but is sent to time-out. Lisa has had it and ready to reassign the boys to the job of tossers. What’s a tosser? It’s a wanker who continually whacks off. Finally a job Jax can to do!

Tune in next week when Ariana gets her hoo-haw shaved and Billie accepts a date from creepy Jeremy.

 

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