We are still punch drunk in Big Bear on Vanderpump Rules. It’s the following morning and time to drink coffee – before drinking more alcohol. It’s called pacing yourself, people. Lala makes James promise to be a kinder person today, unlike last night where he professed his love while he simultaneously insulted her. Meanwhile, Jax goes for a run because he’s sick and tired of hearing Scheana go on and on about how wonderful Rob is.
Back in LA, Stassi stops by SUR to see Lisa. She asks about club TomTom and we learn there’s a Vegas trip in the works for the Tom’s. Stassi asks Lisa to be a guest on her podcast and teach the listeners how to get a (rich) man in three months. Lisa, feeling charitable, agrees to do it.
After Jax gave up on his run because he’s old and can’t breathe, he tries stomach crunches on the dock, but sucks at that, too. It makes perfect sense that Jax would then try to conquer the water. He finds danger instead when Jax discovers he can’t swim. His life flashes before his eyes in a montage of screw ups. Jax calls for help three or four times before the lifeguard gets off his ass to save Jax’s drowning ass. Inside the cabin, the girls nearly die laughing over the fact that Jax almost died. Not to worry, best guy ever, Rob, totally would have saved the day if the lifeguard hadn’t.
Back at SUR, Lisa tells Katie she and Ken will be taking the Tom’s to Vegas to pick out lighting for club TomTom. In her testimonial, Katie says Schwartz was a pretty good actor, but he was born to play the role of a real business man who continuously fucks up. Billie is also at SUR and tells Lisa about her wonderful experience being interviewed by Stassi. Billie got to share how she went to Thailand and bought a vagina which she loves and thinks is beautiful. Like a new purse!
Back at the lake, there’s a problem. Ariana realizes the Vegas trip will take place during Sandoval’s birthday, and once again, poor Ariana will be left out, so she pouts. On the beach, Lala has decided to go topless since Katie isn’t there to complain. Jax and Sandoval lose their shorts while tubing and reveal pink underwear. And for the finale, Rob walks on water, if you ask Scheana.
In LA, Stassi stops by Katie and Schwartz’s apartment. She needs their help to come up with in-depth questions that delve into the psyche of Lisa Vanderpump. Important questions like: Does she sit around in sweatpants? Does she eat Taco Bell? Does she know what Taco Bell is? And Schwartz would like to know when Lisa lost her virginity. All very fascinating stuff. Stassi admits to Katie and Tom that she and Patrick are falling back into their old, passive/aggressive habits. No one cares.
James and Lala go paddle-boarding, leaving Raquel behind on the sand. Poor thing has no clue she’s literally being left in the dirt. Meanwhile, Tom, Patrick, and Rob take the boat out. The guys ask Rob about Scheana. Finally – the goods. Rob doesn’t paint the rosy picture Scheana does. He regales the boys with a story of breaking up with the Prince of Brunei’s daughter because “he wasn’t ready” and getting back together with Scheana after her marriage busted up. Wait just a perfect-frickin-second, Rob dumped a princess for a waitress? WTF! Rob explains how he’s not ready to say “I love you” to Scheana even though she says it to him all the time. Then Rob drops a bombshell. He says it’s really easy for him to hurt people. Believe him when he says this, Scheana.
Tom and Ariana discuss the Vegas trip and his birthday again. Tom explains that although he’d rather be with Ariana not having sex, he needs to be a grown up and go to Vegas on business. They can celebrate with everyone we he gets back. I smell a Vegas trip for everyone!
Back in LA, Katie and Schwartz have date night. Still not clear why they aren’t in Big Bear, other than there’s no room, but hey, it’s nice they have some alone time to eat fried poppers and take selfies. Yawn.
At the lake, Raquel and Lala have a heart to heart and we learn that Raquel does in fact notice that James and Lala are bonding on a totally different level. She’s as smart as a box of rocks! Lala tells Raquel she has nothing to worry about because James doesn’t have millions of dollars, a Range Rover to give her, or access to a G4.
It’s time for Straight Up with Stassi! Lucky for us, Lisa has had a couple of glasses of wine and is loosened up. First up, who is Lisa’s celebrity crush? George Clooney. Lisa explains that philanthropic men make great lovers because they aren’t selfish in bed. Duly noted! Next up, Lisa says she nabbed Ken after six weeks and married him in three months. Stassi gives her best Diane Sawyer moment and asks Lisa if she’d rather swim in a pool of poop or swim with dead bodies. Lisa picks poop. This interview was riveting.
It’s the last night at the cabin and Scheana is trying to act like boss lady housewife and make everyone clean up. In a private moment, Tom tells Ariana he’s asked his mommy Lisa if it’s okay to invite the gang to Vegas, and Lisa said yes – something she will later regret. In the hot tub, James informs Lala that he discovered her, therefore she’s his? James is like, If I were a billionaire, she’d be with me. But you’re not, so deal.
Back to the checklist, Scheana is cracking the whip on clean-up duties the next day. The place is cleaned and everyone splits. Back in LA, Kristen stops by Scheana’s place to give her a gift card. Kristen wastes no time informing Scheana that Jax is telling people Rob says she’s putting pressure on him. Scheana is like, No way, Rob adores me. I’m his world. According to Scheana, Jax is just jealous because Rob is incredible and Jax is not. And when you consider that Scheana and Rob have already named their first daughter they don’t have, well there you have it. Love conquers all, folks.
Kristen deserves an award for not losing her lunch as Scheana blabs on and on about how much Rob shows his love every day. Make no mistake, Scheana is pissed. She throws down the gauntlet and announces if Jax is going to f*ck with her relationship, she’s going to fu*k with his. It’s on!
Tune in next time when the Tom’s oversleep in Vegas and miss their meeting with Ken and Lisa, and Brittany tells Jax she’s pregnant. Talk about fu*king with his relationship!