Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules! Tonight’s idiot will be played by James Kennedy who makes a fool of himself in Big Bear. Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob, and his family own the cabin, so naturally Scheana thinks it’s hers, and has invited the gang to spend the weekend at the lake. Sounds like the makings of a horror movie, so let’s get this party started!
SUR is under construction from excessive smoke. While working at Villa Blanca, Ariana, boyfriend Tom, and Scheana tell Lisa about their weekend plans at the cabin. Scheana shares a text from Jax/Jason, aka the asshole, refusing to sleep in a twin bed with Brittany due to his bad back because he’s 38. Did you know that? Jax only mentions it All. The. Time. Maybe he should sleep on the floor. It would be good for his back. Not to worry, Scheana says the cabin will cure everything because it’s Rob’s happy place and now it’s hers too. (Insert creepy music.)
Over at Brittany’s apartment, she, Katie, and Kristen are decorating their motorized scooters. God forbid they get real bikes and tone some muscles. Stassi arrives and is a mess. No tears are falling, but she cries that she spent two whole days binge-eating, so she is forgiven, after she pays up. Stassi confirms that Patrick told her she was acting bat-shit crazy again and he’s glad others got to see it. Besides that, and walking out, it was the best birthday ever!
Jax and Brittany are packing for Big Bear. He’s anxious, so thank goodness he’s been seeing plenty of Kelsey to help him with his “meditation skills.” If only Jax could “chain Kelsey to his leg” for the trip. When Lala arrives, Brittany confesses that Jax is worried about being in a small cabin with James. Lala agrees that James is a drunk who tends to cross the line. Lala vows to never have sex with James again. Eww.
Off we go to Big Bear! This is the life Scheana has envisioned for herself – a man who ignores adores her. The guests are Jax, Brittany, James, Raquel, Lala, Sandoval, Ariana, Scheana and obviously Rob, though he’s in hiding trying to “fix the boat.” There are more people than beds. Tom and Ariana push the twin beds together because she no longer hates her vajayjay as much. Problem is, Tom cut his hand when he stopped to buy a knife so he could pretend he’s a manly man. One step forward, two steps back with these two.
Over at SUR, work is limping along. Chairs need to be reupholstered, floors need to be restained, walls need fresh paint. It’s a mess.
Back at the cabin, the boys have gone on a liquor run. James says he’s cut down on the drinking, except when he’s with other people. The girls are in their swim suits, hanging by the lake, tired of listening to Scheana brag about Rob and how he can do no wrong. Lala decides to tell Raquel that James is a loser for trashing her man and she had better keep him in check this weekend. Like that’s going to happen.
Back in LA, Katie stops by Stassi’s apartment to fix her bench. It’s very complicated tightening bolts and it requires the equally complicated tool the allen wrench. Patrick doesn’t do stuff like fix things. I’m sure Rob can, but he’s not there. Stassi is torn about her relationship with Patrick so she’s going to get her tarot cards read tonight because that’s way better than learning to trust your gut instinct.
At the cabin, Raquel tells James what Lala said about trash-talking. James, ever the five year-old, tells Raquel that Lala has said hurtful things about her. Called her a skinny bitch, once. James explains he doesn’t respect Lala’s boyfriend, doesn’t think it will last, and she deserves better, said the guy who’s madly in love Lala.
SUR is reopened. Lisa pats herself on the back.
Back at the cabin, the gang is getting their drinks on and trying to cook at the same time. Thank goodness they don’t let Tom near a knife. James is in the lead for the award of best buzz. The gang toasts Rob for his awesomeness. The gang toasts Tom for opening a club one of these days. Then the gang toasts Jax because he’s old enough to be Raquel’s dad. Ouch! Meanwhile, James is totally hitting on Lala.
Who wants to play, Never Have I Ever, which is always a bad idea? First question to Rob is has he ever been to a swingers party. Rob says no because he doesn’t want his junk to fall off, otherwise he’d be totally down for it. Scheana doesn’t want his junk to fall off either because it’s totally awesome like everything Rob does. While the gang continues to play, James gets cozier with Lala, making everyone uncomfortable, especially Raquel.
We interrupt this awkwardness for tarot reading time! Angie the tarot card reader tells Stassi she will start making babies in 2019 and will have more than one kid. No need to check with a gynecologist or a man. But the sad news is, Stassi is told her current relationship is not worth it, which you really didn’t need cards to know this, just five minutes alone with the couple.
Back at Big Bear, James is speaking in tongues. Can I just say it’s nice that for once Jax isn’t the biggest drunk in the room? He and Tom separate themselves from James because Kelsey told him to do so when he’s stressed. Tom is worried that his buddy Jax will be a bartender well into his 40’s, but Jax seems okay with that.
James’ obnoxiousness can be heard from the other room. He wants to play truth or dare and wants Ariana to lick Lala’s nipples. This leads to a fight between Lala and James while Raquel just stands around like a cactus. Lala asks if she and James can talk like friends outside. James says, “Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhm, no.” Can somebody drop kick this guy into the lake?
Raquel follows James outside to tell him that touching Lala is not cool with her. James says, STFU and go get Lala. Scheana tells everyone to STFU so fabulous Rob can get his beauty sleep. Meanwhile Lala asks for an apology from James for trashing her man, and he tells her to STFU, after professing his undying love to her.
Tune in next week when we hear how Rob really feels about Scheana. Second spoiler alert: He doesn’t adore her like she thinks he does.