Happy MLK Day! We resume Vanderpump Rules with a repeat of last week’s drama of Ariana and Lala providing the audio “sex tape” of Faith and Jax for Brittany’s listening pleasure. However, it seems that Jax and Faith were talking, not doing the deed like we were led to believe. But it’s still bad. Jax is caught on tape saying he doesn’t want kids, (thank God) doesn’t want marriage with Brittany, (dodged a bullet) and hasn’t had sex with Brittany in months (less antibiotics to take). After hearing the audio, Brittany angrily announces she’s going to play the tape for everyone. Jax leaves the party and most of the guys follow. Lala gets on her soapbox about not taking crap from men who think they can do whatever they want. Girl, please, you started this mess.
Down the hallway, Jax admits he did everything wrong, but says that Brittany told him she wanted to work things out. He’s angry, hurt, and confused — none of which matter. Sandoval thinks they need more alcohol because that fixes everything. James is finally kicked out by the women and goes down the hallway to let the guys know it was Lala and Ariana who provided the recording to Brittany. He conveniently leaves out that he provided the recording to Lala. Sandoval is pissed and thinks Ariana is out of her effing mind.
Ariana and Kristen join the guys and the tables quickly turn. Sandoval blames Ariana for the fight between Jax and Brittany, and then they get into a huge fight. I’m not saying Brittany shouldn’t have eventually heard this recording, just not at 1:00am during a night of excessive drinking, which is Tom’s point, too. But hey, that’s reality TV for you.
The following day James meets with Lisa to discuss his return to SUR as a DJ. He’s printed up flyers to hand out that say “See you next Tuesday.” Get it? Just in case Lisa doesn’t get it, James explains it. Lisa thinks James is the C-U next Tuesday. He promises not to drink while DJ’ing, especially because he’s incredibly hungover from last night’s housewarming party. James regales Lisa with an animated recap of Brittany screaming, “Why!” and Jax huffing and puffing. During a confessional, James divulges he stole the recording from Faith – like the punk he is.
Some of the girls have gathered at Scheana’s apartment for breakfast even though Scheana doesn’t cook breakfast. Tom is with Ariana and they are all hungover. Tom asks what the hell made them think giving this recording to Brittany was a good idea. Cohesive words fail the girls. Sandoval says he wants Ariana to take responsibility for her actions, for once. Ariana says she’s tired of being judged and suggests they break up. Dun-dun-duunh.
Over at Brittany’s place, Jax walks in like he owns the place. He says he has no words for what Brittany pulled last night. WTF? She was blindsided, but Jax won’t listen and tries to turn things around on Brittany. Jax says what she and Ariana did was so wrong in so many ways. Are you nucking futs? Excuse me for pointing out the obvious, but if Jax hadn’t done something wrong in so many ways, they wouldn’t be here. Brittany tells Jax he’s a dirty human being after he blames her yet again for this mess. On his way out the door, Brittany calls Jax an asshole and tells him this is all his fault. Yes!
Moving on, Stassi, Katie and Schwartz meet up with Stassi’s current (or now ex) flame Patrick at a cool bar behind a bookcase. Because Tom has a man-crush on Patrick, he gives him the info dump about getting drunk and making out with a chick he doesn’t remember. Patrick’s eyes glaze over. It’s like watching a 13 year-old boy talk to a 28 year-old man. Katie fills Patrick in on what went down at last night’s party while Stassi wishes she could disappear. The sociopath they are trashing is her ex-boyfriend.
Up next we are at the recording studio with James, Lala, and Sandoval. Apparently Lala can sing. She lays down her track over James’ rapping and it doesn’t totally suck. Next up, Sandoval pulls out his trumpet a.k.a bag of feelings – raw, wake the dead, feelings – and it does suck, but James and Lala pretend they like it.
Later, Stassi and Katie stop by to check on Brittany while Jax is hiding out hunkered down in his man cave. Brittany tells the girls she and Jax are ignoring each other and she wants to go home to the farm, but Stassi says it’s time to face the music – and the song playing is, Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What cha gonna do.
It’s time for the “C—U Next Tuesday” at SUR with James. Behind the bar, Ariana and Tom aren’t jelling. Jax strolls in to join the party, even though Brittany is trying to work. He doesn’t care. The rest of the gang trickles in and the place is hopping like it’s”C—U Next Tuesday.” So far James is keeping his word not to drink.
Lisa stops by to check on things and to explain what mea culpa means to Jax. He doesn’t know because he’s never admitted fault.
In the kitchen, Scheana is bitching about how she’s still pissed that Katie spread the rumor about her boyfriend kissing another girl. Rob wouldn’t do that because he doesn’t like to kiss. Duh. Scheana tells Katie to keep her relationship out of her mouth. Katie says, fine, whatev. Next, Scheana confronts the SURver she thinks started the rumor and says, blah, blah, blah. Who cares because Scheana only wants to see and hear what Scheana wants to see and hear.
Before Brittany leaves for the night, she stops by to chat with Lisa and tell her she’s stuck because Jax won’t leave the apartment and she won’t grow a pair and kick him out. Brittany knows she deserves better, but not really. Lisa tears up and tells Brittany that tired cliché, don’t get mad, get even. If only!
The night is nearly over so Ariana and Tom have a sit down out back. They agree it’s stupid to break up over other people’s drama because they should definitely break up over their own drama. Ariana thinks Tom sucks when it comes to empathy, but hey, maybe this will lead to make up sex for the two of them. Probably not.
The following morning, Brittany calls her mom to share the news she’s decided to give Jax another chance. What is this, number 5,325? But Brittany was raised to be a good Christian woman who forgives and forgives and forgives not matter that the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Her mom has been married four times and Brittany only wants to be married once – to a guy who doesn’t want to be married to her? She goes downstairs to tell Jax the news and what does he say? Well, he doesn’t say thank you, he says this whole thing wasn’t his fault. Why, Brittany, Why?! Jax promises nothing like this will ever happen again. And the world says, yeah right.
Tune in next week when Brittany’s mom makes a surprise visit. Fingers crossed for a Kentucky ass-whooping!