Last night’s episode of Sister Wives was entitled “Groomzilla” — and TLC’s title was spot on. We begin with the bride and her motherly entourage, who are embarking on a wedding dress hunt. Tony is inserting himself into the bridal biz, because he’s all about “challenging ideas and norms.” The ladies don’t appreciate his buttinski challenge, but he doesn’t care. Mykelti hopes to nail her curiously labeled “vintage” culture with her dress, and Tony hopes to learn what fit and flare means. The ladies are amazed by how well Tony “crazy knows” Mykelti, and can’t wait to see how his icky influence plays out in the young woman’s life. Mykelti begins to model gowns, and TLC jumps us between the organza bonanza and the TLC couch, where the ladies are laughing hysterically over Tony’s tirelessly stupid jokes.
Mykelti knows that she’s “hot stuff” in the strapless frocks, and because she’s only quasi Mormon, she doesn’t give a mock crap about modesty. Tony is basking in the female chatter, and appears curiously comfy in the gaggle of women. Mykelti pulls a fast one, and bluffs a top pick to put the opinionated women in their places. She pats herself on the back for the successful whammy, but Tony is allowed to jabber a continuous stream of nonsense. Mykelti continues to play mind games, dragging out the dress marathon. Robyn and Tony argue over wedding hair, and what twerk-friendly style actually nails the theme. Tony wants Mykelti sweaty and droopy, but Mykelti wants a dry updo. Robyn informs the audience that Tony is deep and fabulous — we just might never see it in our lifetimes. Mykelti finds her winner, and Tony hopes that some sweaty locks will really set the gown off. Christine takes a moment for an emotional sniffle, and ups her description of Tony’s devotion to her daughter to worship.
Christine later reveals that she’s been hired as the wedding singer — but is worried about baring her off-key soul to the bajillion guests. Christine agreed to the job, but only after she realized that her daughter’s request was serious. She has hired a voice coach to drag her vocal chords through an acceptable rendition of Let Me Call You Sweetheart. Christine croaks out a verse, and hopes that her effort will prove her belief in their gloriously true love.
Meanwhile, Meri is still obsessed with snagging her old family home for a B&B. She admits that the business aspect doesn’t interest her, but a second address is looking pretty nifty. Meri has planned a girls excursion to sell her plot, and the gals plan to meet Mare’s family, to drop the bomb and surprise them. Meri reminds us that things still stink between herself and Kody, and is worried that he might party poop all over her plans. Kody is happy to be left out of the flunky business opportunity, but Meri’s mother is overjoyed that her daughter is scoring the sentimental structure.
The women have never seen Meri so happy away from her computer, but as they gush over the cluttered interior, they realize that four bedrooms can’t possibly generate cash. The owner reveals that a ghost named Sarah is on the prowl, and the ladies squeal over discovering their marketing hook. Meri hints that an outbuilding will be her future bachelorette pad, and the wives raise their eyebrows in unison. The ladies are thrilled by Mare’s new sparkle, and Janelle adds that the place is just the ticket to keep Mare out of the nut house. Janelle offers to pack her bags, but reminds her that Utah still hates polygamists.
Christine informs that audience that Meri is still phone-obsessed and uninvolved, aka a family loser. Meri admits that her role is very fuzzy, because she’s in a different phase of her life. Mare is also uninterested in becoming a free babysitter, and admits that she feels unneeded. Meri finally owns up to a shifty focus, and wonders if the other women will engage with her dodgy dance. Christine knows that the house will serve as a getaway, and Meri finally confesses that she would rather block out her sister wives altogether. Meri insists that all of the women are failing miserably at their sides of the relationships, refusing to take all the blame for the wonky disconnect.
Back at wedding central, it’s time for the family to taste the menu for the vintage Mexican bash. Tony is insisting on stuffing his guests with tacos, and hopes to make them spicy. The lovebirds high-five over making taco cramps cool again, and are impressed by the venue’s effort. The planner informs Tony that not everyone will be as hungry as he is, but his trough demands will be covered, nonetheless. They’re expecting a mob, but Janelle reminds everyone that they don’t have to stuff their guests into a coma. Tony prattles off a series of unrealistic cake demands, and Janelle wants to punch his mouth shut.
Cake tasting is next, and the women are jittery with excitement. Mykelti reveals that a cake buffet is planned, and throws in a game-changer when she adds chess as a third wedding theme. The family dubs the couple’s unhinged uniqueness “endearing,” aka just plain weird. As a side note, in their never-ending hard-sell, the wives share that Tony is a genius chess player. The couple is going to deliver a cake face-mash — and Tony shades the Brown’s input as “white.” The dessert smorgasbord shuts up all of their objections, and as the family scarfs lots of free cake, all is well. Tony scores his beloved cake flavor, and reminds us all that he’s always right. Kody climaxes over a bite of mocha cake, and Mykelti tags Tony as a Mexican Kody Jr. The day turns out cake-tastic.
TLC delivers big when we learn that Christine plans to choreograph a girl-group lip synch/dance for Mykelti’s shower — a phenomenon we haven’t seen since the pre-catfish years. Janelle has gotten wild, crazy, and a little more conscious over the years, so she’s decided to be a good sport, and join in. Janelle is nervous about the ordeal, but Christine assures her that the lyric load is minimal. The ladies shove their lumpy bods into some cheap disco polyester, revealing that they’ll truly do anything for a TLC check. They provide an astounding load of snark material with one brief rehearsal — so thanks ladies! The gals drag Janelle into plyggie-rhythm, and the display is unbelievable. Janelle decides that while dragging herself out of the box blows, its not torture, so she will survive.
The episode ends with a sit-down with Maddie and Caleb, who are dropping good news and bad news. They reveal that they’re preggers, but that means that Kody will soon be a grandfather. Caleb shares his thoughts about the pregnancy, and Maddie seeks advice about how to steal Mykelti’s thunder gracefully. They decide to share the news with the family in six weeks, so while they wait, Maddie will cross her fingers, and hope that Robyn won’t get knocked up and steal her thunder.
Next week, Maddie and Caleb jump back onto the TLC payroll, the ladies get naked, and the dance continues.