This week on Vanderpump Rules, we learn more about the cheating men and the broken women who love them. After Guillermo’s party, the gang goes back to Schwartz’ apartment to tell him he can’t drink and cheat anymore. Schwartz tells Katie that she’s not his mommy. Waah! Most couples would have this conversation in private, not by committee, but it explains why they’re in the mess they’re in. Katie tells Tom he is not the person she married. Nor is she.
Next, things are looking up for the other cheating man, Jax, and his doormat girlfriend, Brittany. He wants them to have a housewarming party since they are back together. Brittany has two requests of Jax: 1) be a new man and 2) be a faster bartender. I’m not sure Jax can accomplish either of these.
Lala is back at Sur as hostess so Katie asks if she can talk about the gossip that she’s spreading about Tom. Lala explains that after Scheana told her Katie was making comments about her man, she went for the jugular. Katie is now pissed off at Scheana, but she’ll settle that score later. For now Katie wants to hear what happened with her man and Lala’s friend. Lala tells her they made out and Tom kept calling this chick by Katie’s special nickname, Bubba.
Lisa is at Sur and checks in on Katie. She tells Lisa that Tom still can’t recall making out with anyone due to the excessive amounts of shots he had that night. Lisa finds this very troubling. Lisa tells Katie that while she may put up with Schwartz’ bullshit excuses, she will not. Lisa informs Katie she wants to talk to Tom and he had better be very scared.
The following day, after getting a ticket for sort of stopping at a stop sign, Lisa meets with Stassi to plan another event. Stassi tells Lisa she’s been invited to Jax and Brittany’s housewarming party – which is ridiculous because Brittany should be throwing a Jax’s ass is out party. Lisa tells Stassi she doesn’t have to go, but Stassi has absolutely nothing else going on with her life.
It’s male bonding time with Schwartz, Sandoval, and Jax. The trio are having a self-portrait painting party. Schwartz says he’s not drinking today and his best friends say, oh yes you are. And not just anything, they are drinking absinthe, the hallucinogen. The boys compare their relationship troubles to being on probation and doing community service. Nice. Jax advises Schwartz to admit to making out with the girl even though he can’t remember any of it.
Across town, Brittany, Katie and Kristen meet for drinks, and discuss what the hell has become of their lives. Brittany tells the girls she and Jax are going ahead with their housewarming party and informs Katie she’s invited Lala. Katie says she’s okay with Lala because her new frenemy is Scheana. Then proceeds to tell the group that Scheana’s boyfriend Rob was making out with another girl at another party. So now things have been evened up.
Next up, we are with Rob and Scheana as they host dinner for Tom and Ariana. Scheana loves Rob’s big…kitchen and his big…house. Finally Scheana feels like she is dating a big…grown up. Ariana and Tom arrive and are very impressed with Rob, especially Sandoval. Lookout Schwartz, you may have competition. The meal is catered and four waitresses are serving four people. It’s a bit much. Scheana explains she’s still technically married and can’t marry Rob until July. Upon hearing this Rob freezes and plays dead. Scheana says she’s kidding, but we all know she’s not.
Schwartz arrives home with the portrait he painted of the real love of his life – Sandoval – and tells Katie he only sipped on the absinthe. Katie relays to Tom that Lala said he kept calling the girl he made out with, Bubba. Tom questions whether they are embellishing the story because he can’t remember anything. Katie says, that’s nothing, Lisa is really pissed so good luck dealing with her. Tom’s mea culpa is he likes the taste of Jaeger and says he can’t quit his dude friends – so don’t make him choose Katie or you will lose.
Ariana and Lala are shopping together, trying on sexy close, and spanking each other. Lala talks smack about men who cheat and how they should be placed in the dog house unless they have lots of money. Then Ariana tells Lala she doesn’t want Tom’s penis in her vajayjay anymore. This comes from a past abusive relationship she never dealt with. Lala tells her to look in the mirror every morning and tell her body parts how special they are. For example, Lala thanks her man hands every day because they give great hand jobs. She so special, but Ariana needs real therapy.
Over at Vanderpump Dogs, Katie and Tom stop by to get their dogs washed and for Schwartz to get out of the dog house. Lisa gives Tom the death glare and takes him upstairs for a tongue lashing. She explains that a partnership is like a marriage and she’s not sure she wants to be married to him. Schwartz says he’s learned his lesson and he promises to grow the eff up.
Brittany is getting the place ready for the party and Kristen and Scheana arrive early to help. Really it’s so they can tell Scheana that Rob made out with another girl. Scheana doesn’t believe it. How does she know? Rob isn’t a kisser. Oh girl, have you been drinking the absinthe, too? Scheana thinks this is suspicious timing since all the other guys are cheating. Nope. Didn’t happen, said the girl in total denial.
Party time! Brittany says the only rule in her house is that everyone must get drunk. Cut to Schwartz who is on probation with alcohol and he’s very sad about it. They are playing spin the bottle with assorted shots. Schwartz is not allowed to play and he’s very sad about it. Scheana is there, but she’s not there. All of her attention is on her phone, texting Rob the non-kisser about kissing another girl.
Jax and Carter are having a pow-wow about how Jax is a bottomless pit of need and screwed up with Brittany. Brittany walks up and Jax lets her know he’s in the middle of something and to butt out. This upsets Brittany because: 1) she’s drunk and 2) she thinks Jax should be talking to her. Jax freaks out and tells Brittany the Oscar goes to her.
But it gets worse. Turns out, Faith sent James the audio of her and Jax getting it on. This just screams premeditation on Faith’s part. Lala goes to get Brittany so she can hear this special audio, something no woman should ever hear, and Ariana is too drunk to tell Lala no. Brittany says she wants to hear it. Meanwhile, and unsuspecting Jax is in the kitchen drinking with his buddies. After listening to the audio, Brittany finds Jax and tells him he’s a piece of shit and kicks him out – something she should have done weeks ago. Jax leaves willingly.
Tune in next week when Sandoval and Ariana come to a breaking point.