Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a wonderful night. Speaking of massive amounts of alcohol, let’s get started with Monday night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. As you recall, Jax finally copped to sleeping with Faith, however the details on how many times they did the deed are a little fuzzy. We resume with the sleep over at Brittany’s place so the girls could prevent Jax from trying to come home. The conversation switches to Lala and her married/not married boyfriend who chartered a G4 for her and Scheana to fly to Vegas. No one else wants to go.
The next day, the hungover Tom’s are meeting with Ken and Lisa about the future of club TomTom. Lisa explains how their negativity may ruin the relationship, and as of right now she’s on the fence, but for a mere $120,000 each, 10% can be there’s. The boys don’t have this kind of money, or rich parents, or a line of credit. Sandoval says their value is in their sweat equity and they want to pay $60,000 each for 10% each. Umm, no dum-dums, that’s not how it works. Lisa says this isn’t a negotiation, but since you can’t squeeze blood from Tequila, they agree to $50,000 for 5% each, which is a better deal for the boys anyway.
Back at the apartment, the girls are chowing down on Taco Bell when Jax strolls in. He’s pissed because they are slobs and this is supposed to be his “safe zone.” When Jax tells them his latest cheating scandal is no big deal, Brittany opens a can of Kentucky whoop ass and tries to kick him out, but Jax won’t go because his name is on the lease, too, damnit. Jax blames the girls for filling Brittany’s head with garbage, when he’s the garbage that needs to be kicked to the curb.
From the car, Sandoval calls Ariana to share the good news about club TomTom. Sandoval says he wants to celebrate with her now, which is code for let’s finally have sex, but Ariana says she has plans with Scheana. WTF? Cancel those plans, girl! Schwartz tells his BFF not to worry because his wife, Katie, will have sex with both of them – yes he did – on camera. At the apartment, Katie is thinking what a pivotal moment this is in their grown up relationship, but probably not anymore.
Scheana is packing for Vegas, regaling the whoop ass scene to Ariana, when Lala stops over. So like, the jet leaves at 1:00, so like, be there, be square, except if you’re like, an ugly chick. Scheana stirs the pot by telling Lala the comment Katie made about her man being married/not married. Lala asks if Katie is trying to get popped because she’s so gangsta. Time for some good ole retaliation. Lala announces that Schwartz tried to make out with her friend. Back up the truck, sista. Say what? Lala says she wasn’t going to say anything, but now it’s guns blazing.
Over with Stassi, she is busy planning Guillermo’s birthday party so she can be a grown up someday. Lisa tells her not to screw up and hands over her unlimited credit card. Stassi is told to buy cake and flowers, but I’m sure some shoes and jewelry will wind up on the bill for uniform purposes.
Across town, Jax is meeting with Schwartz for lunch, telling him he can’t go to Guillermo’s party because he’s a douche bag Brittany will be working. Tom recommends to Jax that he and Brittany consider a don’t ask/don’t tell relationship so this shit doesn’t keep happening. Like that would help.
Turns out, adulting is hard, you guys. Stassi has no idea how people manage to work every day, but it’s cool, she’s got this. Stassi’s instructions are super crystal clear: everything must be pretty as shit. Lisa shows up and is somewhat impressed with the somewhat emotional component, and snaps a pic of her hoo-haw with the Polaroid, now that Stassi got the batteries. Meanwhile, Brittany is nearing a meltdown because the girls (Katie) thoughtlessly brings up Jax.
Elsewhere, Jax meets up with James to slam shots of absinthe – and because they were the only two not invited to Guillermo’s party. Jax and James can’t handle the shots and cry like little bitches – then have another.
Back at the party, Lisa gives a touching speech to her partner of 12 years. The Tom’s are excited because they want to be the next Guillermo, minus the Latin accent and good looks. Ariana asks Schwartz if they can step outside and talk. She tells him about the rumor that he drunkenly made out with someone in January or possibly February. Tom says, no, but admits he was way too shit faced to recall those months. Tom says he will tell Katie what he doesn’t remember when they get home.
Back with Jax and James, the bro-mance is brewing and so are the hallucinations. Jax says he wants to run his head through the wall. Do It! Do It! Do It! James asks how things are with Brittany. Jax explains the hate-sex is great, and that the whole cheating thing happened because he suffers from Madonna-syndrome with his princess Brittany. In other words, more excuses that don’t make sense.
Meanwhile at the birthday party, even though Schwartz said he’d wait until he got home to tell Katie about not remembering making out with one of Lala’s friends, he tells her anyway. Pissed off, Katie walks outside. Stassi follows and says you can’t believe what Lala says. Katie asks if this is some kind of karmic punishment (yes) and do not tell her not to cry, damnit. It’s Guillermo’s party and she’ll cry if she wants to. Cry if she wants to. Cry if she wants to. Katie tells Tom to get it together and walks off again.
Lisa gets wind of this and wants to know what’s going on. She is shocked this apparently happened after the wedding. I mean, here Lisa went out of her way to go online and get her certificate to marry dumbasses and then drove to the forest to officiate this crash and burn marriage, and look how they repay her. Lisa’s wondering once again if she should go into business with the two Tom’s. What if one day they can’t remember where they put last night’s deposit? Lisa tries to console Katie, but really needs someone to console her.
Tune in next week when the girls play the audio of Jax and Faith having sex for Brittany to hear. And they call themselves her friends?