Merry week before Christmas and happy holidays! We begin Vanderpump Rules with a spa day. It was supposed to be a special day for Jax and Brittany to celebrate their two-year anniversary, but as you know Jax screwed that up by screwing Faith. And of course Stassi is the perfect choice to bring along and receive unsolicited advice for handling the many betrayals of Jax. Flashbacks are shown of Jax repeatedly begging Stassi for another chance. Brittany confesses to sleeping with Jax the night before. Stassi sighs heavily, but who is she to judge? If anyone gets hate sex, it’s Stassi.
Up next we are with Tom Sandoval, James and Jax as they meet up for drinks and a bitch session. Secretly Jax wishes Brittany would just go ahead and sleep with someone else to ease his guilt. Tom shares that he and Ariana haven’t had sex in two months and they aren’t even married. It’s gotten so bad, Tom has resorted to downloading an audio book about intimacy. And poor James is freaking out because this is what the future holds for him.
Onto Tom Schwartz who delivers cheap flowers and a deflated manhood balloon to Lisa and Ken to apologize for being ungrateful douche bags. Lisa explains it wasn’t Schwartz who was the ungrateful douche bag, it was Sandoval for accusing her of spying. Tom has no idea why Tom is acting this way. (Probably because of no sex.) Schwartz says he’s ready to drop the cutesy act and get busy with club TomTom. Lisa says they can plan another meeting next week.
It’s time for Stassi to pretend she’s an event planner. Lisa gives her implicit instructions on how to throw a proper party. All Stassi wants to do is be a boss lady because bossing people around is the only thing she’s good at. Lisa’s partner, Nathalie, makes it clear that Stassi is not the boss of the SURvers. Just fluff the pillows and straighten the candles. You go girl!
Over at Katie and Tom’s place, she informs him the girls are throwing a “Dump His Ass” pajama party for Brittney over at Stassi’s house. The other Tom stops by and Schwartz explains to Sandoval that from now on, they can only bitch like two little girls in the safe zone of their apartments. They may bring the looks and charm, but Ken and Lisa bring the class, the money, the experience, the contacts. Try not to screw this up, boys.
Ariana is at the horse stables with Brittany so she can become one with a horse named Walter. Ariana admits to Brittany that her relationship with Tom is in a weird place, too, but not as weird as Brittany and Jax. Ariana has an important competition coming up and will be riding Walter to prepare. Walter is feisty horse who gets spooked, and tosses Ariana. But you know what they say, when you fall off the horse, get back on. This is not a metaphor for Brittney’s relationship with Jax – though he does claim to be hung like a horse.
Up next we are visiting Lisa at Vanderpump Dogs where you can adopt the cutest doggies ever. So cute. James and Raquel swing by so she can pick up poop. Lisa doesn’t have much faith in Raquel. And James has worked out a deal with Lisa that he can be a club promoter/DJ on Tuesday’s – which is way better than Monday’s. James tells Lisa he doesn’t do shots anymore. So by shots, James must mean antibiotics because he still drinks like a fish.
It’s competition time! Ariana is perched on top of Walter who is more aggressive and regal than her boyfriend Tom, just saying. So get this, Tom and Ariana’s brother Jeremy are there to give their support. While waiting for Ariana’s turn, Tom tells Jeremy he and his sister aren’t having sex right now. Dude, are you freaking kidding me? No brother wants to hear this conversation. Jeremy tries to offer a stock suggestion, but good god, Tom, man up. Finally it’s time for the horse show. Ariana and Walter are a better team, just saying. She wins the blue ribbon and Tom wins the blue balls.
At Jax and Brittany’s place, which he has not been kicked out of for some reason, Brittany informs Jax of the pajama party at Stassi’s. She says to prepare for his ears to burn over the shit-talking that’s about to go down. Jax has the nerve to tell Brittany he doesn’t want other people talking about their relationship. Excuse me? Then quit sleeping with other girls. Jax seems to think that friends don’t do that. Really? You know what boyfriends don’t do? Cheat on their girlfriends and then call them “a dime a dozen.” Brittany asks Jax if there’s anything else she needs to know; Jax says no. These are called: famous last words.
All the guys go out to a bar and all the girls go to Stassi’s house. The shots start flowing at both places. Over at Stassi’s house, Scheana and Ariana show up – and they hate Stassi, but that’s how important it is to rally around Brittany. There’s beer cheese and a piñata with Jax’s photo on it. Can’t wait for her to beat the shit out of that. Back at the bar, Schwartz says Jax doesn’t appreciate the shit storm that’s brewing right now. The girls cast a spell on Jax that involves a lemon and a pin. Then the girls start kissing each other. I’m sure the pillow fight is next.
Lisa is at SUR and orders a glass of rosé. This is just a setup to re-introduce Lala. She’s begging for camera time her job back even though she has a man that provides her with “wonderful things.” I guess he doesn’t provide that wonderful thing called cash because she needs some. Anyway, holding back tears, Lala professes to have changed, and Lisa gives in. But Lala gets a stern warning not screw up again. Fingers crossed she does!
Remember that storm, it’s about to make landfall. The girls tell Brittany the one-time fling with Faith wasn’t one-time. Oh no he di’ent! Rumor has it Jax and Faith slept together a “bunch of times.” Ariana even tells Brittany what Jax will say, “What’s the difference between one or ten times?” When Brittany calls and tells him Faith is there, which is a lie, Jax freaks and yells at Brittany to shut up. It’s very unsettling to say the least. Brittany tells Jax they’re done…again.
Jax goes back inside and tells the guys he didn’t hook up with Faith more than once per hour. The guys don’t know what to believe. Ariana calls Tom to inform him that Jax can’t come home tonight…again.
Tune in next time when Tom and Katie are hit with their own cheating rumors. Until then, have yourself a Merry little Christmas and may all of your wishes come true!