Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules where there are no rules — especially for Jax! And that’s the only hint I’ll give you right now about that cheating rat bastard. You’ll just have to wait for the rest on that cheating rat bastard. So, we’re still at Scheana’s birthday party and chaos ensues as the party breaks into two camps — Jax’s camp and Faith’s camp – each claiming they are telling the truth. As you know, we’ve been down this road many times with Jax. And as for Faith hooking up with Jax in the home of an elderly woman, eww, just, eww. Brittany says she doesn’t know what to believe. Even Lisa, who typically doesn’t believe street gossip, isn’t sure. Kristen is 100% sure Jax is guilty and says he can suck her “mutha-f*cking dick” which she probably has.
Brittany decides to leave the party and go home to her other dogs who are actually loyal. Scheana finds Jax doing shots at the bar with the guys and screams at him that he should chase Brittany down the street. When Jax declines, Scheana tells Jax he doesn’t deserve her. Then James drops the bombshell that Faith is also claiming to have missed her period. Jax face freezes. The ish just got real because Jax isn’t that good of an actor.
The following morning, we join Lisa at her home, Villa Rosa, as a new Rolls Royce is delivered. She didn’t like the doors on the last Rolls, so she got another one because obviously. Stassi drops by to discuss a new career called event planning, decorating and styling ala Lisa’s checkbook. Lisa decides to throw her a bone — this Saturday. Next, Stassi informs Lisa that she’s back with Patrick much to Lisa’s dismay. In fact Lisa suggests that Stassi get back with Jax if she’s determined to move backwards. Stassi says she wants to impale Jax for hurting Brittany. Worry about your own train wreck, Stassi.
Next, a tearful Brittany stops by Katie’s apartment. Katie consoles Brittany as best she can but hey — it’s Jax…this comes with the territory. Brittany says that one time she came home and found eyelashes, so that proves everything. Brittany has decided to run away visit a friend in Vegas and party like she’s single because she is now. There’s another knock at the door. It’s Jax and he’s still in full denial. He hands his phone over to Brittany, she says it proves nothing, and throws it at Jax screaming she hates him. Jax slithers away.
Across town, James and his girlfriend Raquel are meeting with Lisa. Straight away Lisa mentions that Raquel’s shorts are too shorts. Like yeast infection short. And get this, Raquel wants to work at Vanderpump Dogs. Lisa says she can volunteer if she’ll wear real shorts because apparently she doesn’t want the dogs sniffing her hoo-haw all day while she’s picking up poop. Next, James asks for his job as a DJ back. Lisa tells James he’s a pain in her arse, but maybe on a weekday.
So Tom Schwartz is at his second birthday party in 12 hours that his wife is not invited to. WTF? Does everyone hate Katie? Does Tom not care that everyone hates Katie? The other Tom is there and gives birthday boy Jeremy a key to his apartment. He’s moving back in with Tom and Ariana since they’re trapped in a sexual desert right now.
Brittany returns to their apartment to pack. Jax tries a new approach called honesty. It’s new, so bear with him. Jax admits he cheated with Faith. #Shocker! Brittany tells Jax to rot in hell. He explains that it was during a “bad time” in their relationship which makes all the difference, right? But give Jax some credit. This time he admitted he cheated AFTER he got caught instead of denying it for months and months and then confessing. Such growth.
Back at the birthday party, the gang talks about Jax. James tells everyone that Faith may be preggars due to the lack of a love glove. Tom Schwartz is trashed and leaves to call Jax to tell him that everyone is gossiping about him, and he wants his mommy. Sandoval finds his buddy Tom in tears. Schwartz admits he’s lost his mojo and is stinking drunk. The Tom’s profess their undying love and support of each other. So why didn’t these two get married?
Before she leaves for Vegas, Brittany calls her mom to tell her that Jax cheated and she’s going to Vegas for vengeance. Her mom wishes her the best. Brittany leaves without saying goodbye to Jax. He looks on from the balcony watching the best woman he’s ever had, ever will have, drive away because he can’t keep it in his pants.
It’s time for the Long Beach Gay Pride parade, y’all! Lisa is the Grand Marshall, of course, as Ken drives her in a completely different Rolls Royce, of course. The Tom’s and Ariana are there to kiss ass give their support and to inform Lisa that Jax has admitted to his whoring ways, but they still think Brittany and he will get back together. Lisa wants Brittany to dump Jax. Let’s party and participate in BDSM, who’s in? This is what Ariana and Tom must resort to, to spice up their dry and desolate sex life. Sandoval apologizes to Lisa for his stupidity and says he wants to move forward with TomTom. Lisa is like, meh, we’ll see.
Over at SUR, Brittany shows up for work and everyone treats her like a puppy dog who fell down a flight of stairs. Brittany explains that she’s on a merry-go-round of emotions ranging from hate to sorrow to sickness. Scheana tries to make it about herself, but Sandoval interrupts and asks if it’s official that she and Jax are no more. That’s a hell yeah – or is it? Brittany says she didn’t get wild in Vegas because right now men gross her out – or do they?
Stassi and Patrick are on a date and I’m about to fall asleep. Patrick is Stassi’s pod-cast mentor and has to explain things like juggernaut and galvanizing. When Patrick tells Stassi she’s uber talented, I swear Stassi is thinking he’s recommending she become a driver. Turns out Patrick is going to Amsterdam for six days and wants to invoke the “don’t ask/don’t tell” rules. Uh-oh. Somebody’s more invested than the other.
Jax shows up at work and is worried he’ll make Brittany uncomfortable. Now he’s worried? When Sandoval recommends Jax move out of the apartment right away, Jax shrugs and says he spent the entire day with Brittany. But it gets worse. Brittany tells Scheana and Ariana that she and Jax hooked up that afternoon. Poor Brittany. Jax is like crack and she’s whack for being hooked on him.
Tune in next week for Brittany’s revenge and Lala’s return.